Family Matters
afox007
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Dealing with FI's ex and the holidays
At my wit's end with FI's ex wife and now that we're getting close to Christmas it's even worse. FI's son has lived with us for the past year and a half and only seen his mom a handful of times in all that. She's on meth and her addiction got her stuck living on the streets a few months back. Despite her being awful to me in the past I made the mistake of helping her out a few times dropping off food, getting her a motel for a few nights etc. She's turned into a damn stray cat and calls daily asking for more handouts. I finally told her no I can't afford it and she immediately text her son that I was refusing to help since i'm broke. Now every time I spend money I get judgmental comments from FI's son. I get my nails done he comments how his mom hasn't eaten today. I buy shoes for FI's company xmas party he points out it's cold and she could probably use a hotel room.
The biggest problem is we let him go up to her parents for Thanksgiving and now he's come home with this new attitude that its FI and my fault that she's where she is and I'm mean. And she's fighting FI that she wants her son for Xmas even though she has no where to go. FI said no and apparently this proves we're the bad guys.
Re: Dealing with FI's ex and the holidays
As we see on these boards w/ GROWN adults - people want to believe their parents are wonderful and perfect, no matter how many signs point to the opposite. Of course an 11 year old is going to feel this way and its' magnified by the fact that he's so young and immature in the way the world works.
Have you all considered having him see a counselor? He's dealing w/a LOT and I feel that a neutral 3rd party might be helpful.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think the boy feels trapped in the middle. He probably likes you guys a lot but he feels (rightly or wrongly) a sense of loyalty to his birth mom and he wants his birth mom to like him too, which is why he is behaving the way he is toward you.
My guess is that sooner or later birth mom will ruin the relationship with him and will hurt him in some way (I have experience with the drug addict mother of our Little Brother), and the boy will turn back to you.
I would be loving and patient toward him and I would also do what you can to focus on the mom's good attributes (whenever he brings her up) so he sees a stark contrast in the language and word choices between her and you. Kids are smart - he will notice if you choose not to verbally insult her or have negative feelings about her. Be the consistent one for him - set the pace of a reassuring relationship.
If the money spending issue comes up again, you might want to just stick to facts that his mom is hurting her body and that she needs professional help (redirect the conversation away from your purchases versus giving her money).
Lastly, the kids does have a point about the addiction of cigarettes. You could be in stark contrast to the birth mom by quitting them.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Even when we mentioned that she has picked him up from a friend's house without our knowledge/consent and wouldn't answer the phone to tell us where he was and the cops couldn't do anything nothing happened. They basically shrugged their shoulders and said there was nothing the cop could have done.