Will my DH resent me down the road?

MtnLvr109 · December 2013

As some of you may have read from my past posts, my DH's family owns a family business and they all (DH, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL) all work there together. I'm the only one who doesn't work there. My DH has always known that when his parents decide to retire that he and his 2 sisters will take over the business. My DH and I currently live on the business property, as do my MIL and FIL who live right next door. Some of you know how much I've struggled living next door to my in-laws and needless to say it's been quite a bumpy road over the last few years. Now, my in-laws are slowly stepping away from the business and allowing my DH and his sisters to take over more and more. They've decided that they want to move into our house (their rental home) and wanted one of their kids to move into their house. My DH and I have been saving up to move and are planning on moving in the next few months. They approached us asking if we'd want to move into their house. I absolutely refused to (kindly of course). My MIL is crazy and needy and is constantly bugging me which drives me crazy! I can't stand living next to her and I refuse to live next to her for the rest of my life. So since we turned down the offer, my SIL and BIL have now decided to move in. My DH is afraid that his sister and BIL will now be able to take over more of the family business since they will now live on the property. I can't really see his parents doing that because the business should be split equally between he and his 2 sisters, but who knows his parents really favor my SIL and BIL. His parents have also proposed that we try and buy one of the properties next to the business so that we can still live close by, but I don't want to live anywhere near his crazy mother. I'd like to move only 5-10 minutes away, which my DH has agreed to, but then sometimes he says how he wants to stay close the business and doesn't want to move as far as I want to. His going back and forth is very frustrating. Anyway, I'm worried that if I make him move he will resent me one day for not allowing him to live at or close to the business. I've told him I just want to move away for our first home while we start our family so we don't always have his mother breathing down our necks and then we can move closer to the business in 10 years or so. I also want to move a little further (like I said only 5-10 min away) so that I can be closer to my family while we start our family. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but I'm so scared that he's going to resent me for making him move one day. What do you all think?

cloudymeatballs · December 2013

I think you have every right to want to move where you would like. I love my MIL but I would not want to live next door to her! No thanks. You need your own place and time. 5-10 minutes away is not far at all. You are extremely close and as long as you and your H discuss this hopefully there won't be a problem. Starting a family and a marriage is needed of alone time.

cloudymeatballs · December 2013

I think you have every right to want to move where you would like. I love my MIL but I would not want to live next door to her! No thanks. You need your own place and time. 5-10 minutes away is not far at all. You are extremely close and as long as you and your H discuss this hopefully there won't be a problem. Starting a family and a marriage is needed of alone time.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

I remember your original post about living 'too close for comfort'. Honestly, moving 5-10 minutes is not far at all and if your H thinks that it is, there's something seriously wrong with him. In fact, you guys are a married couple, and therefore are your own family unit, so you can move whererever you want to. Whether it's 5 minutes away or 5 hours away - it is not his family's business (or even your family's) - you guys make the decision and do what is best for you, not what is convenient for everyone else.

WendyGR · December 2013

unless it's a farm, what is the reason that everyone feels the need to live right on the property?

MtnLvr109 · December 2013

WendyGR, it's a greenhouse business, so yes, in a sense it's a farm. The thing is, if anything were to happen, we'd be able to get there quickly since we'll only be 5-10 minutes away. I think he's just afraid that the BIL is going to take over his share of the business since the BIL will be living there and he won't. You also have to understand my DH family is insanely close and they think it would be "cool" if we ALL lived on the same compound, which is completely absurd to me. It's difficult because I can tell he would like to stay living on the property but I've made it very clear that if he makes me stay there it will end in divorce. I refuse to live my life revolving around his family and being constantly unhappy.

WendyGR · December 2013

I think 5-10 minutes is perfectly reasonable for a greenhouse. (My dad was a farmer when I was growing up, onions/potatoes, and my friends' parents had greenhouses and dairy farms, so I get the culture you're talking about). Stick to your guns. If he's worried about BIL taking over, does that mean there is no succession plan? It is important that this gets straightened out sooner rather than later, as I have seen these things get REALLY messy. It needs to be clear up front how the business will be divided in the future. Otherwise there is always going to be this undercurrent of uncertainty.

MtnLvr109 · December 2013

I agree, WendyGR. He needs to figure out what's going to happen for the long term future of the business so he can put his mind at ease. I think he really does want to move and have some distance from his family and the business, but he's afraid of being cut out of what he's worked hard for. He's put his blood and sweat into this business his entire life and it would really be a shame for him to lose out just because he moves a short distance away. It's nice that someone understands what it's like to live an agricultural setting. Life really is different in this kind of environment.

WendyGR · December 2013

Yes, it is different! Some times I miss it. Not the everyone being all up in your business part, but the everyone looking out for each other part.

EastCoastBride · December 2013

Well, clearly if you don't move, YOU'LL resent it and as you said- it might even lead to divorce.

I get it that they are close, but really.... your DH feels he can't move even 5 or 10 mins away? If it's really a possibility that that TINY distance could mean him losing his part of the business - I think he really needs to think a little more deeply about how smart being in business w/ people (family or not) who would do this to him actually is.

None of this sounds healthy. I don't know if you have kids or not, but I'm kind of in the camp of "take your time having kids" if you don't. See how these next couple years play out.

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

5-10 minutes is completely reasonable. If they are truly going to leave the business to the kids it needs to be written up legally as a 3 partner situation. No ones share should be in jeopardy over where they live. You also should have a plan B if this doesn't all work out as planned. No one should put all their eggs in one basket.

MariaBend25 · December 2013

5-10 minutes is more "on top of" than "far". To me being far apart is driving about a day and a half to see each other. If you can walk to your destination (your in-laws) then I don't think there should be any problems except that it might not be far enough! As for your husband's situation in the family business, his parents will do what they want and it would probably suck even more if he never moves "away" just to try to stay in the business and then they write him out of it anyways, nothing to my knowledge says parents have to split things evenly among their children. I don't know what business they have and if you and your husband could (or even want to) open up a second store to run and manage, carrying on the family name/business but without having to share everything with his siblings and parents. It might be worth looking in to. But move away for your own sanity and health of your marriage.

CowgirlK39 · December 2013

I'm kind of curious.... Was none of this ever discussed before you got married? It sounds like you knew that hew would be taking over the business, but was it a sudden decision that he needs to be so close? What else has he said, other than that he is worried about losing his part? He absolutely should get something legal written up stating who has control over how much of business so that they cannot pull some crap on him. You have the right to move where ever you want, but it sounds like maybe this was something you should have chatted about. My husband is a volunteer fireman and our future home MUST be no further than 10 mins from his dept. I accept that and even though there are places I dream of living, I know what is important to him too. Is your DH resisting moving or just worried?

Leftie22 · December 2013

I was thinking the same thing as @EastCoastBride - what about YOU resenting your DH for how entangled your lives are with your ILs?? And in my experience, families who claim to be so close and who are so intertwined often DO lash out when they don't get exactly what they want. They're close and supportive until you do something they don't like. You need to have your identity, your space and time for your family, just as much as he does. One side of the family shouldn't dominate your lives. And definitely don't bring kids into the mix until you've determined 100% that YOU and your children are your husband's priority, even over his family. It's not an easy situation, and I've been there. I feel like my well being was sacrificed for my DH's family, and we nearly divorced. H got his priorities straight, but I do still have some resentment. So until you can resolve things with no resentment on either side, don't take a big step like kids. Good luck with everything, I hope you get to move a little further away!!

MtnLvr109 · December 2013

I've always known that my DH would take over the business some day. Until the last couple of years, we weren't really sure how involved his sisters would be in the business as they were finishing college and figuring out what they wanted to do work-wise. At this point, it seems like all siblings are there for life (or as long as the business is up and running). When we moved into our current home (in laws' rental home) it was only supposed to be for a couple of years. We've been there for 5 years now. When we first moved in, he was the one who had reservations about living there and expressed he would want to move within a couple of years. As the years went on, he became more comfortable living there and has gone back and forth about moving for a while now. I know he wants to have the distance as much as I do but he worries about the business aspect of things. He's afraid that BIL will swoop in and take over since he will now be the one living on the property. He also likes the comfort and convenience of having his home on the property (he can go home for a snack, use his own bathroom, change clothes in the middle of the day if he needs to, go home for lunch, etc.) I keep telling him that I understand it's more convenient for him to live there, but normal people don't live in this type of situation. Also, we lived all the way across town for the first few years of our relationship and everything was fine. This is why I don't feel like 5-10 minutes away is very far since he used to have to drive 20 minutes. His parents have not come out and said that he must be close to the property for business sake. They just want him close because they're crazy like that. He's not necessarily resisting moving, he's just worried about how things are going to turn out. I know that I will 100% resent him and his family if I don't move. I can't stand being so close to MIL and have even told him I will be moving by next fall, with or without him. I cannot sacrifice my happiness any longer. My relationship with his family is already strained because we live too close. I honestly think that if we had never moved there in the first place, I wouldn't have nearly as many issues as I do with his family and I'm looking forward to getting my life back on track and being able to live with a healthy state of mind. Also, if we lived on the property there's no way that we could legally buy one of the homes. I work in the legal field so this is a huge concern of mine. I'm not willing to put my hard earned money into a home and then have something happen down the road where we get screwed. You never know what could happen. For example, the business or his parents could go into bankruptcy and they'd lose everything and we'd be out a home that we've put all of our money into. Also, we'd never be able to sell the home if we ever did want to move. DH agrees and also doesn't think it's a great idea financially.

Disneygeek77 · December 2013

I used to work in title law, so I understand what you are saying about the home. Yes definitely move and do everything you can to get something in writing clearly explaining what will happen to the business when your ILs retire or pass away.

graciesmurf · December 2013

We live 15 minutes away from my in-laws, and 45 minutes away from my parents... to me that feels like being "right on top of" everyone.

Will my DH resent me down the road?

Re: Will my DH resent me down the road?

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