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Step-Children and Blended Families
Hi all,
I apologize ahead of time for the long post. I was hoping to get some feedback from those of you who are part of a blended family. Some background information. My husband and I just got married this past October. He has a 3 1/2 year old son who has been actively part of our relationship since a few months after we started dating. His son and I have gotten along from day one (granted he is 3), and his parents split up when he was only 8 months old so he has no recollection of them ever being together. She and I have our moments of mutual respect and mutual dislike for one another; we err on the side of respect at all times when my SS is present. While I have to say that the road has been a long one, we have all made a lot of progress in our relationships with one another and with SS and things look promising to only continue that way.
My concern, and probably prematurely so, is what the future will entail when involving our own bio children. Neither of us are in a hurry for kids of our own yet.Of course with the recent marriage everyone is asking about a baby. We talked from the beginning about our plans for the future and agreed we would (eventually) like to have 2 of our own. However, after everything that has transpired with my ss and his mom and our lives in general, I am beginning to question how to make that future the best for everyone involved. I am concerned with how my feelings will change towards my ss, how his will change as he gets older and has more realization of the dynamics between families. I worry about my DH feeling guilty for ss and how much he missed out on. I worry he won't love our kids the same as he does his first child (although he was deployed for the entire pregnancy and birth and was not even stationed in the same state until his son was 3mo old, so all of that experience will be a first for him). I looked on a few step-parent forums and was mortified at the number of "I hate my step-child" posts, or "my DH treats our kids terribly but spoils his child with no rules etc." I love my ss, but I know that it is not the same unconditional love that you have with your own bio children. Can anyone offer any insight/advice on making this a positive experience, or have any personal stories involving step-children/step-parents/blended families. Oh also, we discussed rules regarding how we want to raise children very early on. We are on the same page and ss follows the rules that our future children together, if we have them, will also be expected to uphold while in our household. Of course we are a little more lenient right now because he is only 3 and has much more liberal expectations with his mom full-time (as in we don't find cussing funny, but he isn't immediately in trouble for something that is a joke at his mother's house for example).
I am not trying to get too far ahead of myself, but since the topic has come up more and more, DH and I have revisited the idea a few times. He knows my concerns, and shares some of the same. Again, we aren't planning for anytime soon but after reading so much negative talk about the entire situation, I have begun to question if I really want any of my own at all, just for fear of ending up in such a terrible dynamic.
Re: Step-Children and Blended Families
The blended families board on the bump is a great place to get advice! good luck!
Yes it is. Come on over and introduce yourself :-)
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013
Well, I was in a blended family growing up. I lived with my mom after she divorced my father. When I was 3 1/2 she remarried to a man with no children. They went on to have two kids of their own.
My own experience was great. I never felt like any less a part of the family. I don't consider my brothers to be half siblings. They're my brothers and that's all there is to it. The only thing they noticed was that I got extra presents at birthdays and Christmas since I had two families to see but it was never an issue.
I have a really close relationship with my Dad. He's always assured me that he loves me just as much as his biological kids and I believe him. He absolutely adores my son and is always bragging about being a grandpa and they obviously have zero blood connection. And for me, it's more special. My Dad choose to love me. He did it he WANTED to, not because he was biologically wired to.
I realize this is a different situation since your SS probably does not live with you and DH full time but I wanted to tell you that it can be a wonderful experience for everyone. You just have to be open minded and try as much as you can to make all the kids feel involved and equally important.