Online Connections....

catsareniice1 · December 2013

Do you consider people you know on Facebook/Twitter who you speak to on a somewhat regular basis friends (to an extent) even if you've never met them? Particularly if it is someone you inbox and chat with.

I'm asking this question for my niece who is studying social media in school. So, answers are greatly appreciated TY!

hoffse · December 2013

First of all, let me just start by saying that this is something I feel very strongly about - and I probably go against the grain on a lot of this. So this will be long and possibly a bit harsh.

My first reaction is being appalled that your niece's school is "studying" social media - unless it's to promote internet safety, in which case I'm on board.

Most of the real studies on social media - like PhD level - focus on the feelings of worthlessness social media tends to inspire in our "friends" since we can edit our social media lives and make people think our lives are more awesome/perfect than they really are. And of course, friends end up comparing their real lives to our edited ones. It's a lot like advertising, actually - similar to how exposing young girls to nothing but ultra skinny models in adverts can give them body image issues.

Generally, no I really don't consider social media people I've never met to be friends. On forums like this I certainly have "favorites" if you will - I enjoy reading the responses from some folks more than others - but I don't know anybody's real name or too much about them. We could pass each other in the street and not know that we "chat" on the MM forum often. I prefer it that way.

I also think it's remarkably unsafe to spend vast amounts of time chatting with people you've never met - especially for kids. I remember when myspace was a thing and I set up a profile, etc. I was maybe 15 or 16. Well I made the mistake of writing down some real things about myself - primarily my age and physical description. Within a couple weeks I got networking requests from creepy older men. I told my mom and she banned me from myspace.... but I have to imagine I was in the minority about reporting that sort of thing to my parents.

Finally - and this is something that's starting to become an increasingly large problem with teenagers - failing to set appropriate boundaries with social media can inspire some really awful cyber bullying. Every year my law school participates in an intramural moot court competition - basically it's a mock appellate level case that you "try" in front of judges. Well every year it's a First Amendment issue... and my year it was all about cyber bullying that takes place outside of school and whether a school can censor that sort of student speech when it ends up detracting from the learning environment - since it's almost always student to student. I had to read case after case after case about kids who got depression, ended up in physical altercations, and even committed suicide because of "strangers" they met on the internet who turned out to be kids from their school who were intent on making their lives miserable. The Megan Meier case in particular affected me very strongly - that was the case out of MO where a mom decided to "mess" with one of her daughter's former friends. She invented a profile, pretending to be a cute boy, who took interest in Megan. Then eventually the cute boy turned on her. The final message from "Josh" basically said that the world would be better off without her - and Megan committed suicide. For an adult to do that to a 13-year-old-girl is just incredibly cruel. The mom preyed on this girl's self-esteem issues (Megan was overweight) and her absolute need to fit in as a teenager. This colored my perspective on social media very strongly.

Personally, I think social media does have a place - it's great for professional networking, for keeping up with old friends who have moved away through photos, etc. But I don't think it replaces IRL relationships, and for kids in particular it can be a very destructive environment. When we were kids we could disconnect when we got home from school. If we had a bad day at school, well at least we didn't have to face it again until the following day. But today kids are all plugged in 24/7 and they never ever get a break.

Sisugal · December 2013

no- they are not friends.

MommyLiberty5013 · December 2013

No. Never met = not friends. A friendship is cultivated via meaningful interaction. Words typed on a screen are not meaningful interaction.

I also tend to agree with PP....why are the students studying this? All the research has proven that social networking sites have ruined most/many communication and emotional skills of people who are growing up with them. The Internet has removed any sense of accountability or responsibility for words and speech. People would never, ever say some of the things they say online to someone's face.

I wonder what "studying" social networking in school will help the students grasp. Is this some sort of anti-bullying campaign by the school? Is it to learn about online safety? Is it an attempt by the school to get kids to take their faces out of their phones for 5 minutes? If you niece wants stories...here's 2...

1. I was in a medical building with my kids and we were on our way into the parking lot. As we walked out a mom with 2 older boys had to physically take their phones away from them as they were exiting the building. She stated, "I need you guys to pay attention to where you are walking in the parking lot so I am taking these and you can have them back in the car."

2. After a snow where I live, the roads are very messy. While most people are accustomed to driving in the ice and slush, there are still accidents when people lose control of their vehicles. The other day I was driving my son to preschool and was driving past a local community college. A young woman was walking across the busy street, head buried in her phone. The sign said, "DONT WALK." And the cars in my lanes were beginning to move. This woman had NO idea she was walking in front of traffic that was getting ready to move.

My personal opinion is that I don't CARE what people are doing every 5 minutes of their lives. I don't care where you're "checked into." I have one friend on Facebook (and she is a friend for real) that continually posts updates about which airports she's landed in (she is a pilot). I could care less. All these things do is fill the air with nonsense.

brij2006 · December 2013

I know I'm going to be the opposite others here, but I'm very involved on the "Getting Pregnant" board on here. There are a few girls that I have privately messsaged multiple times, and we are friends through Facebook. When we lost our baby, they were by far the most supportive people I could've ever asked for. Yes, we told a few people IRL what happened, and they were a physical shoulder to cry on. But they will never understand the hurt and emotional pain we went through like those girls do (because a lot of them have gone through it).

But I feel like in a situation like that, those girls were closer "friends" than any of my physical friends at the time. So it is purely situational. Adding a random person on Facebook and calling them your "friend" isn't an actual friend. To me a friend is someone you talk to, relate to, tell things to, and care about.

However, I sure hope that your niece isn't just adding people to her Facebook that she doesn't "know" before adding them. The only FB friends I have that I haven't met in real life are ones from the GP board, but I got to know them through PM before adding them to FB.

Xstatic3333 · December 2013

I would not consider them friends. I have a couple of FB friends that I've never met in real life but have friends in common with through a hobby I participate in. I enjoy their pictures and updates about said hobby. I can't imagine, however, how I'd get to the point of messaging them just to chat.

CuriousKiddosMama · December 2013

If I"ve never met you, you aren't a real friend. You would be an acquaintance I guess.

Wulfgar · December 2013

I have very few friends on facebook that I didn't know before hand. Some that are not are related through marriage at some point or distant relatives who know closer family and relatives. I am at the point that I would allow others to connect to me and if I don't know them I don't friend them.

Blogs like the Nest and Bump are different and for me fall under a different category.

I also agree that most research have shown that too much Facebook, electronic media can be more harmful then helpful. I have a friend that has a real hard time turning off which effects her physical life at times.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

On facebook I am on a private July wives page from being on the Knot. There are 15 of us and we share a lot. More than we did on the boards. I wouldn't say they are friends but when someone experiences a loss or a happy moment like a pregnancy I do genuinely feel happy/sad for them.

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