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Duped into marriage?

Ok, I am just not sure how to address this. My DH and I have been married for a few months now, but we've been together almost 4 years. I am 28 and he is 32. When we first got together neither of us wanted another child. I have a son (now 7) from my previous marriage and DH is fabulous with him. Eventually I decided that I would like to have a baby with him. He adamantly said no and that he does not ever want to have a baby. Before we got married I had a sit down with him and told him I did not know if we should go through with it. I told him that I do not think I can be ok not having a baby and that I will eventually grow to resent him for it. I also understand (and still do) that I don't want him to do it if he doesn't want to. I don't want to force him into anything. He said that if the issue is that important to me then he is open to it and we'll discuss it more in depth after the wedding. I asked him, you're sure? We can? He said, yeah, I guess. So all is settled right? No. As soon as we're married he started back to saying no and then acting like I'm crazy for saying he said it was ok. So now I'm kind of feeling like I was duped into marrying him. He's a great guy in all other respects and I love him. Great with my son too, but I can't help but feel betrayed and confused. Am I crazy for this?

Re: Duped into marriage?

  • I think you need to decide if you want to stay with him and not have any more kids or (possibly) find someone else who wants kids and (possibly) have kids with them.

    This guy seems to really not want kids. Even if he "gave in" and had one - he is going to resent you for it. And frankly a kid deserves a dad who wants to be a dad.

    So I think you need to decide what you want to do. I don't think he is going to change.
    "How long till my soul gets it right? Can any human being ever reach the highest light? Except for Galileo, god rest his soul, king of night vision, king of insight." ~ Indigo Girls Anniversary
    When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.

    Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
  • From what you described, he never said he was on board with having children.  He said he'd be open to discussing it in the future.  But it sounds like he's still opposed to the idea.  I can understand being upset but unless you're withholding more details it doesn't sound like you've been duped.  I think you agreed to marry him and hoped for the best.

    You changed your mind (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that), but he hasn't.  It's a difficult situation to be in.  I hope you're able to work through this and come to a decision you're both comfortable with.





    dx:  Unexplained IF (mild MFI)

     TTC since May 2011, 1 year trying, and then 3 TI, 2 IUI = BFN

    IVF #1 (May 2013):  Antagonist Protocol: 
    24R, 18M, 15F w/ICSI; 5dt of 2 early blasts, no frosties = BFN
    IVF #2 (August 2013):  Lupron Stop Protocol: 
    28R, 23M, 15F w/ICSI; 5dt of 1 partially hatched blast, 7 frosties = BFP
    EDD 5/23/14, blighted ovum (6w6d), D&C (8w6d)
    FET #1 (April 2014):  transferred 2 5d blasts = BFP

    C.J. born 01/09/15

    imageimage
  • That is a difficult situation. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

    imageimageimage
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  • Hmmmm, this is tough.  He was honest with you before the wedding...he's on the no fence about kids.  My DH was similar...he wanted to wait 5 or more years and wasn't even sure if he wanted any.  I had to wait for him to bring up the timeline again and HE is the one that has shortened it (much to my joy).  You can't push him.  Yeah, you may feel betrayed, but he feels attacked and may feel that it's all you want from him.  Lay off talking about it for a while.  Enjoy your marriage and see what happens.  He may surprise you.

    Best of luck.
    Anniversary
    Married: 10/13/2013
    TTC #1: Mirena removed 5/26/2015; DH - normal SA, me - diagnosed with PCOS 8/4/2016 - on Metformin;
    BFP - 10/29/2016!!!, EDD - 7/8/2017
  • Thank you Ifk, I had an honest discussion with him and asked his reasons. There seem to be only 2 really. 1. He has ADD and is afraid he'll pass it on to our child---he was tormented as a kid for this. It was before proper diagnosing so his parents put him in special ed and ran him through endless brain tests. 2. He's afraid I'll die in childbirth. Both of these seem to stem from fear and low self-esteem so those are things we can work on.

    Clarification: Everyone seemed to misunderstand my original post. He said he was open to having a baby. I asked him if he was sure. He said yes. We started thinking up names and even told some family members together. This was why I said I felt duped.

    Anyway, now that we've talked I think we've at least got a starting point :)
  • I'm glad you had a good discussion with him. I hope you both can work this his fears together. :)

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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