Low drive and pain during the deed. HELP!

cpg002 · December 2013

Hello Nesties I need a little help.

My DH and I have been married for a year and a half and we have never gotten into a sex "routine". We dated for 6 years before we got married, and chose to wait until we were married to have intercourse. Our wedding night hurt quite a bit (he went very slow and spent a lot of time on foreplay) and every other time we've had sex it's hurt just as badly- I have had to stop him because of the pain. We have gone for periods of up to 3 months without sex and it breaks my heart. I've spoken to my doctor about the pain and was basically told to drink a glass of wine and relax (I tried, the pain still persisted). I have a very low sex drive but I am willing to have sex whenever he wants and I "get into it" as best I can.

My husband is such a good man and I love him with all my heart. He has been incredibly patient and understanding but I can see our lack of sex is starting to taking a toll on our marriage. We have waited for so long and he deserves to have a great sex life with his wife.

Advice please?

doeydo · December 2013

Perhaps you have vaginismus. http://www.vaginismus.com/

cpg002 · December 2013

I've asked my GYN about vaginismus and she does not think this is the case. I have no issue using tampons and I've never had issue with pelvic exams. Thank you for the reply!

oldbugle · December 2013

The key phrases here are "....very low sex drive.." & "...try to get into it as best I can..."

This implies that you are not at all interested in sex for your own sake but merely to be a good wife for your husband. Unfortunately sex is one of those 'it takes two to tango' activities. If you are not interested (for whatever reasons) then you never will be "into it" and it will always be a failure because successful sex is actually a communication between man and woman and it works best when both are involved in eachother by mans of friendship, lust or perhaps, love. It will also be highly likely to be physically unpleasant and painful.

Your only chance is to decide to enjoy your own body for your own sake....get sensual about quite ordinary stimulation.....get your husband to massage you all over in a non-sexual way first and then as your sensuality develops in a sexual way. Examine ALL means of arousing your mind and don't be afraid to explore ideas that you might shy away from because you don't think it's what a nice little wife should be thinking about!...there are many, many different types and 'flavours' of sex and a rich fantasy life is one of the best ways of tapping into it.

Also, get a good sex manual (or better still a few!) and have a good read...make it an interest.

Lastly, make sure you are fully orgasmic on your own and without your husband playing a part then transfer what you have learned about yourself to your relationship with him........

Rampage007 · December 2013

Have you tried using lube?

cpg002 · December 2013

@oldbugle thank you for your candor and your suggestions. I will take them to heart and give them a try.

@rampage007 I do use lube every time- I've tried KY and Astroglide. KY didn't seem to make a difference and Astroglide seems to make things a little more bearable.

I do have a desire to enjoy sex but it is secondary to my desire to please him.

artbyallie · December 2013

Do you masturbate at all? If not, start! Learn to get yourself off. I don't have issues with lack of desire, but my H is fairly well-endowed and things always go more smoothly when I've had at least one orgasm before penetration. You talk about him going slowly and using foreplay, but that's all for naught if it's not actually getting you wet and loosened up. The cervix literally moves up and out of the way during arousal, because bumping it in the event that one is not properly aroused can be quite painful.

jb7877 · December 2013

When it comes to lube not all are created equal. If you are sensitive and have a lot of yeast infections since ky is made of sugars it can lead to some yeast infections.

I suggest browsing an adult bookstore/video store and discuss good lubes with them.

cloudymeatballs · December 2013

cpg002 said:

@oldbugle thank you for your candor and your suggestions. I will take them to heart and give them a try.

@rampage007 I do use lube every time- I've tried KY and Astroglide. KY didn't seem to make a difference and Astroglide seems to make things a little more bearable.

I do have a desire to enjoy sex but it is secondary to my desire to please him.

THIS right here. You need to for once step back and figure out what feels good to you. Men will be fine! Lol, they get aroused pretty easily if they are a okay. Women sometimes need a little more to get worked up. Start just having him explore you, foreplay and see what feels good, what doesn't. Once you see what feels good to YOU Sex will feel sooooo much better!!! Be selfish about this right now and talk with your H about it. I'm sure he would love to help you out!!

cloudymeatballs · December 2013

.

FemmeLavande · December 2013

If there is no medical cause, then lack of lubrication and tense muscles are probably the cause of the pain. I've had this problem so I'll just tell you what I learned. Sorry if this is long.

Insufficient lubrication is generally caused by too little foreplay (if you're already really in a mood, then you need relatively less, or if you're not really in a mood then it takes a lot more to get you in a mood). You can explore different things… Sometimes a lot of gentle touching (not even necessarily in "erotic" zones) is really nice. It can make the connection between love and arousal that you may be having a hard time making - it could be the reason why you don't really seem to be into sex. If you want to engage in more "erotic" acts, I find that I become extremely lubricated with oral sex (giving or receiving). That being said, the other big cause, tense muscles, can cause pain even if you're lubricated. On that note…

My muscles tend to become tense when I have sex. I don't have a condition (doesn't affect me with tampons), but I've come to realize that my body often becomes tense right before penetration or during penetration. I meditate so sometimes I take a few breaths or moments to centre myself before penetration - I bring my attention to the muscles and focus on relaxing them as I breath. I have to be careful not to become tense again (especially if we're more "active") - I take moments to breath and relax my muscles.

Finally, I'll say that it doesn't sound like you've found your interest in sex yet. You can try to feel sexy and desirable when you're not in the bedroom. It's really true that a sexual connection is built just as much (if not more) outside the bedroom than in the bedroom. Feeling confident and attractive affects how you feel about sex. Another thing would be to read things to inspire you… maybe soft erotica (novels or stories) will increase your desire.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

lifeguard · December 2013

Hmmmmmmmmmm Where you told that sex was dirty,evil and not to do it?
I know of some couples who were told with good intentions of preventing pregnancy, SUD's or a broken heart. They were told not to have sex but the message was about the "evils of sex". Instead of the virtues of not having sex.
It's difficult to turn around and suddenly make the change to have what was bad is now good.
Please don't pressure yourself , blame yourself or become frustrated. It will all work out in good time.

Kimbus22 · December 2013

artbyallie said:

Do you masturbate at all? If not, start! Learn to get yourself off. I don't have issues with lack of desire, but my H is fairly well-endowed and things always go more smoothly when I've had at least one orgasm before penetration. You talk about him going slowly and using foreplay, but that's all for naught if it's not actually getting you wet and loosened up. The cervix literally moves up and out of the way during arousal, because bumping it in the event that one is not properly aroused can be quite painful.

This. So much this. You need to make this about you too. Not just secondary to pleasing your H. He want you happy. So make yourself happy and then show him how. If you've ruled out the physical causes of lack of lubrication and tense muscles, you need to explore the psychological causes. Practice on your own. Practice with him. Try small vibrators and work your way up. Take your time. But don't just make it about him. That's probably the bulk of your problem right there. You're still new to this and it seems like you're not really knowledgeable about what works for you. So find out! You'll both be happier when you do.

BrittyBoop12 · December 2013

First of all, I would like to start out with how absolutely sorry I am that you have gone through this. I honor the fact that you and your husband chose to wait until you were married... and what an unexpected and heartbreaking thought to find out that you are dealing with this.

Secondly, I want to let you know that sex therapy is one of my specialties professionally. I see that there are a lot of well-meaning comments on here of people who do care and try to help. I can't imagine also how disheartening it is when you get suggestions only to find those don't work either. It infuriates me to hear that your gyno told you to drink a glass of wine and relax. It's mind boggling to me how CLUELESS they are and that's their area of expertise. For you I am willing to bet this goes beyond just figuring yourself out (as far as masturbation goes)....

The comment that someone gave you to check on vaginismus was wisdom and you ruled that out. Check out http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/painful-intercourse/DS01044 and see if dyspareunia fits you.

Also, I want to encourage you to make an appointment with an Endocrinologist Gynecologist or known as Reproductive Endocrinologist. Your low desire may stem from a hormonal issue beyond what your regular gynecologist is trained for. Also, if it is dyspareunia, you may be in need of a pelvic floor specialist... basically a physical therapist that is trained with the pelvic floor muscles. I would be willing to put money on that a pelvic floor specialist could do wonders for you.

Finally, if you would be willing to tell me where you live, I would love to recommend a sex therapist in your area through a network I am connected with so that you can see someone face to face who KNOWS what they are talking about.

I want you to know that you are not alone and there is hope for you.

Brittany

lifeguard · December 2013

You get full credit for trying to make things right. Many have gave up or suffered in silence.

asoiafguy · December 2013

You BOTH have to work on your sex game. Hand to hand combat

TarponMonoxide · December 2013

Lots of lube and go slowly. AND lots of foreplay.

If that keeps up after the lube and the foreplay and going slowly, get another doc and get a full checkup.

You could have anything from sexual anxiety to interstitial cystitis to an intact hymen or some other problem..

I also highly second the masturbation! Do it alone and take your time and find out what turns you on. Then show him.

Make sure your doc gets down to the bottom of the issue, so to speak. GL.

dees14 · January 2014

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I'm going through the exact same thing. I could've written this post. You're not alone..

Nifftiffniffer · January 2014

Just my own feedback that I've been going through painful sex for 3 years. I have always been able to use a tampon and have managed with exams. But a new midwife (the only practitioner of 3 who actually was willing to help with more than suggesting relaxing and foreplay) tried just touching different areas with a swab and visibly saw muscle spasms leading to a suggested diagnosis of vaginismus.

Low drive and pain during the deed. HELP!

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