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chichick
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5 months newlywed and he's no longer attracted to me?
My husband and I have been married for 5 months now and for the past 5 weeks we haven't been intimate with each other at all, and before that it was very rare. Even on our 11 day honeymoon we probably only slept with each other about 3 or 4 times. When I started dating him I was a virgin and he wasn't. Me wanting to wait (despite the fact that we fooled around) always made him worry that our sex life after marriage would be non-existant, but I feel like now that we're married I'm the one that wants it and he doesn't. We talked about this a few months ago and it turned out he wanted me to go back to the same size I was when we got married. I did...In fact I've lost even more weight since the wedding. I'm by no means a big girl...between a size 2 and 4 but he still doesn't seem to want me sexually. I've noticed over the last weeks some searches online for...well...realllyyyy fit models and I just don't know what to do. Every time I try to bring up the sex issue he brushes it off. I know he loves me emotionally but I guess I'm just really hurt about the fact that he doesn't seem to want me physically. It's gotten to the point where I actually feel uncomfortable changing in front of him in case I turn him off any more. If I try to initiate anything, it never goes anywhere. I don't know what to do anymore...does anyone have any suggestions??
Re: 5 months newlywed and he's no longer attracted to me?
Whoa...he said what to you???
His larger problems: He gave you an excuse and it was tacky as hell for him to say that to you.
For that alone, you should be stark raving livid at him.
Something is flukey here. What were things like before you got married? Were they sexual? How far did you guys go?
What exactly was his sex life like with other women before you and he met?
He needs to communicate more effectively --- and just for the record:
You could be even "fitter" than these "models" he is looking at on the web but I very much doubt if that would change him into a raving sex maniac. He's not a sexual kind of guy, by the looks of it.
I will suggest what I always do:
LONG talk with him and no hemming and hawing. Tell h im you did not marry to gain a celebate roommate -- and you tell him you will kindly go back to being the size you were. Tough titty on him; he's handed an excuse to you and frankly, why should you bow in to what he wants???
Heck, he isn't bowing in to doing his husbandly duty!
He's acting like you're a major blimp. Indeed he is tacky and how dare he even say such a thing to you.
He can't brush off the issue: he is to participate fully in the discussion -- and make it clear that you want an active sex life.
If he won't, you can decide what you want to do. You can either live with the fact that your husband isn't into sex. Or you can ask for an open marriage prospect for yourself...or you can choose to have this marriage annulled in a civil court.
Therapy for YOU -- nip this in the bud now. Don't let him make you think that you are at fault because your husband isn't into sex: this is a problem that existed before he even met you, I will bet.
He may be a guy with a very low sex drive, have a deeply seated problem or have some other conflict that cannot be solved minus a therapist's intensive help. Whatever it is that's going on, it's not healthy and you didn't get married emotional love alone.
He could also be gay. Only he knows what his problem is.
See a sex therapist on your own and bounce this off him or her. What you have there is not a healthy relationship.
Do not stand for this. He needs to see a therapist also -- I would also make that a must during the talk you have with him.
Tell him that his marriage's survival is contingent upon his attending and you are tired of not having an active sex life.
I am a self professed prude but my opinion:
It is not a good idea to "wait" for marriage to have sex. If you have a committment to one person and you love each other and you know your relationship will be a monogamous one, nothing wrong with being sexually active with each other.
We criticize in others what we find uncomfortable with ourselves. As I said: you needed to be red hot livid when he said that to you.
A douche indeed!!!
Suppose you gained weight due to pregnancy, the side effects of some sort of med or wow, simply because you did, due to inactivity, eating junk on the run, not getting to the gym enough or etcetera! My goodness; wonder what he'd do in a case like that???
Not only is he inadequate when it comes to keeping his wife happy, he's also immature and self centered.
And if he had oh such the problem with you and your size, why didn't he just move on when he realized you won't be toothpick thin?
He's a shit who handed you an excuse.
I urge you to get to the bottom of this. As I said, he does not have the option of NOT participating in the conversation.
He's acting like you are grossly obese or that you're the size of a Mack truck.
Something is very amiss here; as I said, stand for nothing; find out precisely what's at hand here.
Suppose he is the one who turns into a fat and flabby version of the Hulk --- very doubtful you'd even dare say a word of "honey, I am worried about you; as you know overweight contributes to metabolic syndrome, high blood pressure, diabetes and a host of other maladies...let's talk about it".
Nor would you go "Get down to your premarital weight or ELSE!" pretty much wot he told you.
What a mannerless lout. Give him hell for daring to talk to you like that.
I agree that he is being a douche, and this is NOT about your weight, if you have an issue with your body you might have a problem but if you are satisfied then stop losing weight because you are healthy as you are! If it really is about your physique, he has major control issues and that needs to be addressed pronto.
But I disagree with Tarpon, giving your husband hell is not going to solve the issue you are having and will probably make it worse. You two need counseling, or a very long sit-down talk at the least. He might be having some issues, maybe sexual identity, only he knows, but maybe work stressors, or maybe even that sex with you wasnt what he had in mind (if you didnt have sex at all before your marriage). If that is the case, tough cookies, he married you for better and worse and you two should go to sex counseling if sex is the actual problem and there is not some underlying factor.
However, in the interim of figuring out the underlying cause you need to be frank about things, if you have not explicitly talked about sex, start now. Tell him your feelings/needs, and ask why he doesnt reciprocate. be understanding if it is actually some other factor in his life and then ensure he gets the help he needs. If it is that he is controlling, get marital counseling and consider getting out (i rarely advise that but control issues tend to get bad quickly). If it is that he doesn't like sex with you for whatever reason, work on it together by going to counseling and being open and honest about what you need. If sex is the issue and it isnt addressed he will probably end up cheating since he is already looking at pictures online and things might snowball from there.
Nothing about this situation is good, so get to the bottom of it before things get worse. Post your progress or if other things come up that can help us advise you what more to do.
What a douche! My ex made comments when I gained weight but he also gained weight. He was unhappy with himself and cheated on me. So, it is HIS problem I can tell you that.
Also if he is messing about with supplements, especially steroids, that could have awful effects on his testosterone levels. There can be all kinds of nasty stuff in even innocent looking herbal supplements that could kill his sex drive.
I vote he is not a sexual kind of guy.
Nor will he ever be.
And that puts you in the "loss" column big time.
This is a profound case of sexual incompatibility -- and possibly one that cannot be cured or rectified: he is what he is right now and no amount of time will change him into a raving sex maniac.
You are 5 months in as a wedded wife.
What's happening here is not normal and it is not healthy.
Get yourself to a sex therapist and get input immediately.
Based on that input, you decide where you want to go:
You can sit him down and tell him he needs a sex therapist and a marriage counselor immediately and he'd better attend and pronto and that attendance willingly means the survival of his marriage....or you can ask him for an open marriage....or you can head for your attorney's office and file for a civil annulment.
They used to call this kind of thing "alienation of affection" -- grounds for an annullment.
I don't think he's got a low t problem, a thyroid problem, a steroid problem or anything related to that. He's just not into having sex and you shouldn't be into being married to a guy who is incompatible with you sexually.
Don't stand for being put last in your marriage. That's what's happening here. .
This whole issue is not about whether you weigh 2 pounds or 2000 --- the issue is that he will not perform as a husband should perform in the bedroom. He's also vastly immature, a douche and he's using weight to skirt the entire issue -- don't stand for any of this.
To a sex therapist, stat -- and you put yourself first. That's where this is at.
Not into sex?
He's not even into being a full grown man..
(He probably lied about not being a virgin before you and he met. Sheesh...he went from having lots of intercourse to none at all with you? We all know a guy just doesn't stop having sex. A sure fire bet he had no sexual experience at all when you met him -- and if he wa so into sex before he met you, why didn't he start being that kind of sex machine after you and he wed? Something is funny here and how)
The more I think about it perhaps it is better if you call it a day and get to your attorney and get this sham of a marriage annulled. There's a lot more going on here than a celibate marriage: he's got no respect for you, he's refusing to be a team with you and he simply is not concerned about you or your happiness.
I wouldn't even tell him an annullment is coming up. I'd simply get finances ready and when that is complete, get the annullment started.
Get away from him before your self esteem and self image is shot for good and before you develop some type of a complex -- how dare he tell you "I"m not attracted to you anymore" and cite a supposed weight problem?! That's lying between his teeth!
Get away from him. I don't think working on this "marriage" is worth your while.
I would divorce solely based on the weight comment! What as ass!
And if this is the case, why did he waste the OP's time by getting married at all??? I will say that if he's having an affair it did not start when OP and her H got back from the honeymoon; likely it was ongoing... and if this is the case, another ground for annullment.