Family Matters
roandee
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: In Laws just irk me
Well, if I am going to be completely honest, some of this is you being nit picky and some of these are legitimate concerns. That being said, my overall message will be " Pick your battles."
1. The wedding- the only obligation they had was to show up. That's it. As nice as it would be to help with wedding stuff, they simply don't have to if they don't want to. Yes, yes even if your family did a ton of helping that still means their only obligation is to show up.
2. Your BIL has just as much right to use the bathroom as you do and I doubt he even knows what your schedule is.
3. I would be furious if I told someone to leave my dog alone and they deliberately ignored me and my dog ended up getting hurt. Absolutely furious. Your husband was 100% wrong there.
4. They are also not mind readers. Just because you guys envisioned a nice small family dinner after the parade, that wasn't what they had in mind. Sure it would have been nice to let you guys know, but I wouldn't get hung up on it.
As I type this, the more it seems like you are just looking for reasons to be mad at them. Yes, you have some legitimate complaints like your BIL not chipping in for groceries, the rude comment your FIL made to your bridesmaid and all the questions about you being pregnant, but your other complaints are downright silly.
Listen, step back for a second and focus on the bigger issues and talk to them about it. Tell your FIL that the current state of your uterus is none of his concern. Tell your BIL that he either chips in for groceries or he doesn't eat them. Next time your FIL makes an incredibly rude comment, call him out on it.
Does your BIL pay any rent ? If not, then he needs to.
Yeah, I have to agree - some of this comes across like you're trying to FIND things to be mad at. Disney covered a lot of it.
A few additional thoughts:
1- His dad and the comments? Start "talking back". "That's none of your business". "If you ask again, this conversation is ending" - then hang up/ walk away, whatever you have to do. DON"T start crap like "We dont' have room". DON'T defend/explain yourselves! You don't owe him that. Tell him to cut it out.
2- His brother. Hell. You all have gOT to stop pandering to him and enabling him. No wonder he's so "sensitive" - everyone walks on eggshells around him. It's what he's used to. Stop buying stuff he wants. He wants it? He can buy it. Stop making cookies for him because "aw, geez, he misses his mommies cookies" - when you KNOW he isn't going to appreciate it.
3- the bigger thing here - I think you and your DH need to start doing some deeper soul searching here. It seems there is an expectation on your part of what you think a relationship with them should be like, and you go into every get together wanting "family time to catch up", and then you're disappointed when that doesn't happen.
If there really is different treatment of your DH as compared to his siblings, that does suck. But if you all aren't close to his parents, don't have "catch up" time - that also might just be what his parents are like. Trying to force a square peg into a round hole rarely works.
I think some (a lot?) of this is you readjusting YOUR expectations.
And again, you all have GOT to f-ing stop enabling his brother. He's' IN COLLEGE. He's not a baby, and he sounds woefully unprepared for the "Real world". Let his parents get pissed. He's living under YOUR ROOF> You get to call the shots.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Not sure if there is anything you can do about the parents, but email them, call them, try to keep in touch with them. If you want a family dinner, let them know in advance.
In regards to BIL, since no money is coming in, sounds like it's time for a house meeting to set up some ground rules on what is expected of him to help around the house. It will be an ackward meeting (been there myself) but it will help your relationship in the long run. Let him know what your schedule is and try to work out bathroom times. I lived in a house temporary with 4 other adults and one bathroom, it was very hard, especially on weekends and holidays when we all wanted to shower, but we communicated our schedules and figured out bathroom times around that. If he does something wrong, let him know and what the correct way to do it is. Chances are he doesn't know and if you don't correct him, how is he suppose to learn? But if he continues to do it, then you can always do, three strikes and off to the laundromat for you. Sounds like he's gone from mom's house where everything was probably done for him to your house and he still expects the same type of treatment. Helping him to learn how to do things for himself and to help you around the home will help him in the future when he needs to live on his own or when he gets married.