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Advice needed (Loss mentioned)
So I need some advice on how to handle this situation. As most of you know and have come to realize on this board, H and I aren't the best with words. So I want some advice on how to address this situation, and how to word it.
Yesterday we had our big Christmas on my mom's side of the family. About 75-100 people show up, and we rent out a school gym for it. Both my mom and my grandma know about our loss. We haven't been secret about it, but we also haven't been fully open about it either. We will discuss it with close friends and family, but that's about as far out as we've gone.
So H and I were talking to one of my great aunts, and she asked us how we were doing with everything. We assumed she was making small talk, but then she asked us about our loss and our struggles. We were taken back that she knew about both.
Then later I was packing up the food we brought, and a 2nd cousin was standing by me and said "I'm sorry to hear about you and H's loss." This is a girl that I've spoken to a total of maybe 10 times in my life, and is my mom's cousin.
Then we were getting ready to leave, and H and I went over to get my mom in the group of people she was chatting with. When we approached the group, she was talking about how they were supposed to be grandparents and went on to talk about how I don't get periods on my own, how we went through IF treatment (which is frowned upon in our community to begin with) to get pregnant, then lost the baby. Of course everyone noticed that H and I came up to the group, and nobody knew what to say to us.
We both want to say something to my mom and grandma, but am seriously at a loss with what to say or how to approach this subject with them. I want this to be something that WE tell people. Not that my mom gossips about with everyone she see's. I tried telling her the other day that it isn't something that I'm going to belt out about in front of everyone, so it isn't something to be telling everyone she's ever known. Guess she didn't understand that memo.
So how else can I tell her and have her realize that it isn't the topic of conversation to bring up with everyone and anyone? Right now I'm regretting even asking her if she ever had female issues and being open with her about our struggles. Keep in mind that my mom and I have always had a very open relationship. Her, my grandma, and I have all been very close. So the last thing I want to do is hurt them, but I also want them to realize that this isn't something to go talking about with everyone.
Any suggestions, or has anyone else dealt with this?
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
Re: Advice needed (Loss mentioned)
Anyways, I would start off saying that you appreciate that she cares about you and is there for you during this difficult time in your life, but you aren't ready for everyone in the world to know yet, and that you will tell everyone when/if you're ready. In the meantime you would appreciate it if she would just keep it quiet.
This is a difficult situation though, because I feel like she's sharing as a way of grieving the loss of her grandchild. Not so much just gossiping.
I hope you and your mom can get on the same page though. And I'm really sorry you had family members that you aren't particularly close with approaching you about your loss.
my read shelf:
I'd just flat out tell her that while you appreciate her support, this was not something you were ready to share with the entire family (even if you never intended to tell) and you do not appreciate being the family gossip. I'd then ask her to please refrain from sharing ANYTHING about your struggle/loss with ANYONE unless she specificially asks for your permission first.
I have a very very close relationship with my mother too, but sometimes you have to be stern on things and let her know that it hurt you. I've found that if you're too nice about certain things, it will continue. Nip it in the bud. Then tell her you love her, you're sure she didn't mean to hurt you, and really do appreciate her love and support
In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my LIGHT, my STRENGTH, and my SONG!
T-TTC since Dec 2008. PCOS/nonexistant cycles(anovulation) and endo. HSG in '10 revealed both tubes blocked. Lap surgery in Dec '10 to correct. Failed Clomid/IUI and injectable(Bravelle)/IUI cycles so far.
BFP 2: 7/7/2014 Beta 7/8: 115, Beta 7/12: 638, Beta 7/16: 3793, Beta 7/21: 21,625
B/w 1/8: betas 17,345, progesterone 25.6
@rockabye You said that so eloquently, and I feel like that would get it across to my mom pretty well. Now hopefully I can reiterate the same thing and make it sound half as good.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
I would simply say, "mom I know you would never do anything to hurt or upset me, but when H and I found out you were telling everyone about our loss and IF troubles it really bothered both of us. If we feel comfortable telling people than we will, but its not your place to share this"
I've said things like this to my mom in the past and I can tell it kind of hurts her feelings, but ultimately I have to stick up for myself and my H. and your mom will get over it.
ETA: clearly I should have read the abover before I answered! RAB says it best!
The Rowdy Roberts
"I DO NOT love that you think so many things revolve around you. I know you're bitter. I get it. But I'm over your feelings." The best person on the internet ever!
DE IVF ER - 12/2/2016 (17R/10F = 8 frosties); FET 1.0 (1/27/2017) - BFP 6dp5dt (EDD 10/16/2017)
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussFET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!