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stigmes23
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How would you motivate your husband?
Before we got engaged, my husband now worked hard to better himself. He lost weight and improved his diet. He was even performing well at work.
A short time before we got engaged he regained most of the weight. He promised me and my mom that he would lose the weight and work on his smoking habit.
We live in two different countries. I visited him and I noticed that he had gained so much weight. I was frightened! [He doesn't have hormonal imbalances. He is unfortunately lazy and simply eats too much.] He always has excuses for not exercising or eating right.
Now that we're married, I am cooking at home and cooking healthy, but as he is VEREY sensitive about his weight I find it difficult telling him how much to eat.
He goes to football practice 3-4 times per week. However, he is the goalie and isn't training as hard enough and isn't always selected to play during matches. He isn't getting a serious workout.
I am waking up early in the morning and running for about 1 hour. After my run, I come home and prepare a healthy breakfast. More often than not, I find him sleeping on the couch YES not in bed our bed, ON THE COUCH with both alarms on his phones sounding out. I let them sound for 15 minutes just to see if he gets up or not.
He doesn't budge. I wake him up- even then he asks for more sleep time. Any way, the whole point of why I wake up early to run and finish house tasks, study, cook and clean is to make a point to him without speaking- that we shouldn't sleep our life away!!
He is addicted to TV and stays up late work days!!! He doesn't make an effort to sleep early. And we don't sleep in the same bed.
He is obese, and due to his high blood pressure now----NO sex life. He is 37!!! Blood pressure isn't the genetic type.....he brought it on to himself.
I am so frustrated with these issues and more.
He has poor hygiene- doesn't brush his teeth regularly as he should. Doesn't wash his hands unless I remind him. Yet he has other great qualities as a person. But I need him to be more active. We don't go out alone much because he says there's too much traffic. So I find a solution like suggesting an activity at home or near by....anything that involves minor movement. But he chooses the television over ME.
Help anyone please 
SO sad we got married this July and in our culture we don't really live with the person before marriage FYI.
SO sad we got married this July and in our culture we don't really live with the person before marriage FYI.
Re: How would you motivate your husband?
1. The two of you are not compatible. That's okay, but stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. The two of you would be happier with like-minded partners.
2. This is why living together before marriage is usually a really good idea.
3. He sounds depressed to me, or self-conscious. What country did he come from? Is he having language or climate adjustment difficulties? Are you certain there is no medical issue?
A lot of things can be dealt with if you choose to continue in your marriage, and quite easily but you need to back the hell off a bit. You don't marry someone to change them into what you want them to be - this is just making it worse. Your "in your face" morning runs and uber efficient fitness regime is condescending and clearly not helping.
Why don't you sleep in the same bed? Can you try? Tell him that things need to change, this isn't working for either of you and you want to have a life together worth living. Cut the cable. If he really wants to watch something he can do that on netflix or the internet. Those are things that you seek out and watch, not just watch for the sake of something to do.
Go to bed together at a decent time, say, 11pm. No later than that. He needs his 7 or 8 hours. There are many reliable resources that advise cutting out electronics of any type 30 minutes before going to bed - why not try that? No TV, no computer, no phones, no iPads. Just reading a book, tidying up, working on a project or spending that 30 minutes getting ready for bed - warm shower, brushing your teeth, putting the dog out, anything. Get that quieting down time started together and see if it makes a difference after a couple of weeks. If you stick with it his internal clock will adjust to this pattern - which may help him wake up earlier and feel rested and energetic. It's worth a shot, right?
In the morning - what is an acceptable routine? What time does he start work and have to be out of the house? Is he eating breakfast? My dietician is adamant that the best breakfast is homemade oatmeal with blueberries and another fruit in the morning - it jump starts your metabolism for the day and regulates your blood sugar which sounds as though it would be really good for him. Now to get him on board - I have a similar problem with my husband - he would come downstairs like a zombie and have only coffee for breakfast, then be a bit lethargic for the morning. Now I make oatmeal for the both of us and he eats it - after about a week I noticed a huge change in his energy levels in the morning and productivity.
Has he seen a dietician? Has he had his blood tested for diabetes? Try getting him onto a timed eating plan of oatmeal in the morning, every morning - WITH you and an orange, apple or pear at 10:30 am like clockwork. Try it for a couple of weeks or a month so that you (and he) are satisfied that breakfasts are now fully under control, then start working on improving his lunches and reducing his other snacks or junk food intake. Improve one regular meal at a time and it won't be so overwhelming for him.
He is playing soccer as a goalie - that is great - you are pushing too hard. Encourage him through this in that he is having fun and hanging out with the guys, not that everything is about fitness and weight loss.
What other things do you guys like to do? How can you make that more active? We like seeing old sights and country walks so we go for a hike every weekend. It isn't about the fitness, it is about the sights and the time together. How can you do something similar? He is obese so going rock climbing with friends is not going to be in his comfort zone - but walking somewhere to see something might be. Swimming might be. Biking might be. Dog walking. Slow and steady.
These are the kind of changes that I would start with -and I would absolutely back off the everything needs to be about fitness and weight loss and health kick with him. It isn't working and is making him despondent. The bedtime routine is so you two can connect with each other and talk without distraction, 30 minutes isn't asking for very much. The oatmeal is because you read a great article on the energy you get from oatmeal. The walking is to go explore a new area or a romantic walk along the pier - whatever. It is NOT about him being obese and you not being attracted to him, or about him dying young.
These are just ideas, but I wish you all the best.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Have him get his thyroid checked. Symptoms for a low thyroid are tiredness, weight gain, and sometimes depression (also feeling cold). I have an almost non-existent thyroid and gained a whole bunch of weight in a relatively short period of time before it was diagnosed. Even taking medication for it, eating well, and exercising...it is extra hard to lose weight. And then it becomes a vicious cycle where I don't even want to try because it seems so impossible.
Anyway, not saying he has this medical condition, but it is a possibility. And even if he doesn't, it can be hard to climb out of that "I'll never be fit/feel better" pit.
LET HIM SLEEP.
Don't lift a finger. Let his ass oversleep and let HIM get in trouble with his boss.
Don't enable this louse. Tough shit on him if he gets busted for being late to work. None of this "Maaaa, I wanna sleep tennn more minnnutes" bullshit for you...or for HIM.
It could very wall also be he has never been a sexual person. I am wondering how much extended time you spent with him from the time you met him up until your marriage --- if you were in 2 diffrent countries, your time with him was very limited.
The intimacy problem -- he will NOT sleep int he same bed with you --- the butts, the weight and the snoring and the lax behavior with his health all have to go. Let us know what kind of headway you make. .