Family Matters
Zshamoun
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
NEW! Real bad family situation Im involved in. Please some help and advice would be appreciated!
Hi all, I am new to this board and was looking for some help. I want some advice on how to confront my dad, brother and sister. They have made false accusations against me, and no proof was ever provided, and finally my dad said he didn’t have any proof. So here is the story below. I’m sorry it is a little long.
My father and I had a huge fight in May of 2013 and him, my younger brother and sister all were against me accusing me of stealing jewelry (all gold) , 150,000.00 in cash, and robbing our family business blind too. So according to them about half a million dollars. . I was completely taken back by all this. I asked my dad who would say this, and he said my brother and sister discovered this information. So naturally, I asked for proof. Well my dad was just not having it. He hit me a few times; my brother and sister were cussing me out, so I left.
My father and I had a huge fight in May of 2013 and him, my younger brother and sister all were against me accusing me of stealing jewelry (all gold) , 150,000.00 in cash, and robbing our family business blind too. So according to them about half a million dollars. . I was completely taken back by all this. I asked my dad who would say this, and he said my brother and sister discovered this information. So naturally, I asked for proof. Well my dad was just not having it. He hit me a few times; my brother and sister were cussing me out, so I left.
I called my grandpa, he booked me a ticket and I left to Texas to be with him. I left in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. My face was bruised from the punches, and I asked my dad repeatedly what proof do you have, and he would just get madder, and say he didn’t have to prove anything to me, that my bro and sis would not lie about something this serious, and that I needed to just say the truth. Well I refused. I told him I would not admit to something I did not do. I cut contact off with him for 6 months up until recently. He ended up coming up with a dozen more accusations against me. “You were stealing clothes too, your boyfriend stole money from my shop too, and you are living a good life off my hard earned money, and even proceeded to tell the rest of the family that I cleaned his bank account out. The whole thing just makes me sick. So 3 days ago, I snapped. We argued back and forth for 2 days via text message. And I finally got my answers. He says the reason I was being blamed was because I am the oldest, and I was responsible for everything. Then he said that I "cover up my tracks" and "hide my traces" really well but when the snow melts all the shit will show. In other words he has no proof, but insists and knows in his “heart” it was me. Now, lots of people in my family are telling me that my dad is pissed with me.
All my brothers and sisters listen carefully to him for fear they will be cut out of the will, or disowned. ( Strict Muslim family). When I left my home, and was actually on my own with my grandpa in Texas, I ended up doing really well. I finally got to finish my degree, I have a very good job that pays really well, and have made new friends out here. I got my real estate license and now sell real estate also. So in other words, I don’t want to go back to Michigan. So my family members are telling me that Dad is upset with me because I left him, and "took control of my life without his permission and blessings" and he’s upset. So this is his way of getting me back home so I can "face my dad, brother, and sister" and clear my conscious.
All of you thank you for reading; this whole drama has taken a huge toll on my life. I wake up so depressed and sometimes don’t feel like getting out of bed. I just want to confront them and be done with it but I don’t know exactly what to say. It’s not common for me to argue with my father, and I have never stood up to him. So any help would be appreciated.
All of you thank you for reading; this whole drama has taken a huge toll on my life. I wake up so depressed and sometimes don’t feel like getting out of bed. I just want to confront them and be done with it but I don’t know exactly what to say. It’s not common for me to argue with my father, and I have never stood up to him. So any help would be appreciated.
Re: NEW! Real bad family situation Im involved in. Please some help and advice would be appreciated!
I would immediately talk to a professional counselor that specializes in these kind of family issues. Set up an appointment today.
I have gone to counseling before I believe it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.
I wouldn't bother with confronting them. It won't do any good. You know you didn't steal anything and that is all that matters.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Has your dad threatened to kill you? Are you a woman? I know that in some strict Muslim families, these types of actions (or perceived actions) are punishable by death, which is carried out by a male in the family. I have heard of this happening in Western countries too.
If you are in danger, please seek to hide yourself from them and contact the authorities. Also, please save any and all written and verbal communications and save them in a place where your family cannot access them.
Dear God, stop focusing on this proof nonsense. They don't have it and never will.
Your father threated to kill you. Go to the police now with all the evidence of his threats. Go now.
Okay, I used to work in a bank. The only reason we finger printed a person is if they wanted to cash a check drawn on our bank and they personally did not hold an account with us. Those were the finger printing reasons...it's a way of tracking potential check kiters. A bank does not finger print because they are suspicious of its actual account-holding customers. If a bank were thinking a customer guilty of fraud, they would investigate and shut down accounts.
Step 1: Tell your father you are cutting off contact and if he continues to threaten and harass you, you WILL get a restraining order
Step 1.5: Tell everyone you DO communicate with that you are cutting off contact with your father and ask that they respect this and do not communicate with him about you.
Step 2: Change your phone number
Step 3: If your father continues to harass and threaten you, immediately go to the courthouse and ask for an order of protection. If he violates the OOP, have his ass arrested.
Step 4: Stop fixating on this proof nonsense. If he had any proof, you would be dead and/or in jail right now.
Step 5: Get thee to a counselor. Immediately, if not sooner.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Has your dad threatened to kill you? Are you a woman? I know that in some strict Muslim families, these types of actions (or perceived actions) are punishable by death, which is carried out by a male in the family. I have heard of this happening in Western countries too.
Yeah that's not that situation here at all! My dad is acting crazy and out of line, and he can be very intimidating but he has never threatened to actually kill me! Not all Muslim families are like that, majority are not. IMHO.
And at this point, I don't think our relationship could be salvaged. I'm not "daddy's girl" anymore. I just want us to be civil. Just with him at least. We were never like this. We always got along. Only when I started to want to do thing on my own, and be more independent, and move out, and just live my life, is when he changed. And he admits that. Im just having such a hard time accepting all of this. And I find myself constantly trying to give him a chance to change his mind, to put the past behind us and move on to the future. One day he says life is short Sara, lets move on. I say okay and we are civil for 2 days, then the next day, back to the same sh*t.
Its a cycle I keep falling into. I swear it hard. =(
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Bolded. I know the majority are not. I am glad to know this isn't the case for you and your situation.
Not sure why people assumed that I think all Muslims are like this...I didn't state "all" and I didn't infer "all" either. I actually said, "...in some strict Muslim families..."
When I read that you had been a victim of violence and that your family is threatening you, I worried that your life could be in danger (as did/do other posters). I just worried that you could be a woman needing to know that people recognize that these actions do and are occurring in the world. If a woman is seeking help in a violent situation she often wants to know that she is not alone and is understood (faith and upbringing can be parts of being understood).
I addressed this with the OP, but I do need to address it here.
What is "mind boggling," to use your word, is how you do not seem to read my posts in their entirety or if you do, you do not think on the text before responding to my posts. It's like you see a post from me and skim it to try and quickly toss out a response. "Gotta get back at ML for being a dork!"
Please see my bolded text above. I wrote, "...in some strict Muslim families..."
I feel that the two words "some" and "strict" pertain to a small portion of Muslim families. These words do not under any circumstances lean toward the use of the word "all." You accuse me of possibly thinking that "all Muslim families carry out honor killings." I did not say that. I did not infer that.
I assure you that I am very well read on the world's major religions, as well as my own. And, I make it a good effort to avoid superlatives like "never, "all" and "always" unless I can, with 100% certainty, use those words safely and accurately.
Also, I feel that my questions, which I am glad to find out are unfounded, were fair. The OP stated she has already been physically harmed and that she is threatened. Also, she stated that she comes from a Muslim family. Yes, you could possibly accuse me of jumping to conclusions...but let's just be honest here...we are on the Internet trying to give personal advice to people we don't know.
Without face-to-face communication, without inflection, and without personally knowing the OP, why can't a poster ask the tough questions? What if I were accurate? It changes things, no?
Well, you have been hurt and violated on many levels. Those emotions can make a person feel alone, like, "Does anyone identify with me? Or care?" Plus, the people who we hold in high esteem and love so much (our family) is the cause of the despair here. What you feel is normal and it is a justifiable anger and frustration. Allow yourself to grieve over this. Let it bubble up.
The important point here, though, is to not allow it to stew in your heart and mind. Once you permit yourself the mourning period over it, you need to come to a place where you move on, otherwise, this will own your heart.
You have a choice here. The power is in your hands to decide what to do with this. If you allow it to remain inside you, internalized, it will eat away at you over time.
As PPs stated, you could probably consider visiting with a counselor. Since you are a woman of God, you may consider meeting with someone who also either shares your religion or is also believes in a divine monothestic being. Religion and faith are very defining points in peoples' lives and experiences; it behooves us to seek out counselors or mentors who "speak the same language" and can truly empathize with us on the faith/spiritual level.
You will overcome it - if you want to. Up to this point, part of your personal definition has been your family. For the time being, at least, you need to rewrite that definition to exclude them. Exclude them, avoid contact, but forgive them.
The key to forgiveness is that it releases the forgiver from hurt. It's the best way to push aside negative emotions and heal. Forgiveness is not accepting peoples' poor decisions or agreeing with them. It isn't allowing them in your life. But, it is a form of love that comes back 100-fold and helps the person doing it. But, they don't deserve to be forgiven!!! This is so true, but again, forgiveness isn't really about the wrong-doers, it's about the person who has been hurt and violated, healing and regaining a "say" in the matter.
You can PM me if you want.
He hit you. You said that you had to sneak out of the house to get away from him with a bruised face.
You know you did nothing, however your father is still accusing you. And it looks like there is no reasoning with him.
My advice is get into counseling. That is the first thing.
Second is leave all the "proof" stuff. They will not listen to reason. They have made it clear. Reasonable people talk things out. Not hit their children just because they are said to have done something.
It sounds like you KNOW why this all happened. You wanted to grow into your own woman. Have your own life. Live independently. Parents fail to realize that being independent has NOTHING to do with needing your parents. Sounds like your dad is mad he has no control anymore. You said it yourself.
I completely disagree with TELLING everyone "I am cutting my father out". Change your phone number and don't answer him or your siblings. I really think your safety is at risk. I actually don't even know why one of them hasn't gotten on a plane to talk to you face to face. I also think your siblings are so scared of your father that will say ANYTHING to keep his wrath off them.
Change your number. Stop communicating with him and get counseling. YOU deserve better.
Many years ago (10+) my mentally ill mother falsely accused me of trying to steal from my sister. She had my sister convinced as well. I hired an attorney and the police completed an investigation. It took some time but I was able to clear my name. My mother has since passed away and my sister and I have mended our relationship. Through therapy I have come to accept that my mother was not trying to harm me but for whatever reason she felt that I was to blame. My mother was very controlling and the accusations began when I finally decided to stand up to her. During the investigation I insisted that all contact be via my attorney. Once the investigation cleared me of any wrong doing my mother was still not convinced. We did not speak for three years. We only began speaking again because she was diagnosed with cancer. She never apologized and I don't believe she ever fully accepted that I had nothing to do with my sister's identity theft even though I was cleared.
You need to cut off contact with your father, hire an attorney, and see a therapist. Continuing to respond to these accusations will do nothing. Also, while I am sure it is difficult and heart wrenching, it is OK to stop talking to your family if this is how they treat you. Best of luck to you.
First of all congrats to you for getting out of that situation and becoming successful. Not an easy thing to do to leave in the middle of the night & try to start all over with nothing. I agree that counseling could be good for you and that trying to cut off communication with your family is necessary, even though it will be a hard thing to do.
Good luck on dealing with this.