Feeling like an outsider in my own home...

meangieman · December 2013

Recently my in-laws have fallen on hard times and had an accident to their home so we offered to let them live in our basement. I can't help but feel like I'm the outsider since they aren't used to living with us and our family. Every time I try to punish the kids at least one of them is there to console the girls and try to offer a helping hand. Even when I try to talk to my husband about it they always seem to hear. My MIL felt like she wasn't welcome here at the beginning but we assured her that they were. Is it wrong of me to think I shouldn't have to change the way we do things and our routines to accommodate them?

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

No, you shouldn't have to change your routine to appease them - family or not, they are guests in your home.

I do not have kids (yet), but the way I see it, you are the parent - YOU. Not your IL's. And your H needs to step up and tell them that they are not to undermine you when you are disciplining your children or anything else to do with your children. Because that is exactly what they are doing. You have rules and routines in place for a reason and they need to respect that - especially when it's in your home.

Disneygeek77 · December 2013

Yep, your husband needs to talk to them. You guys shouldn't come across as the bad guys for disciplining them.

afox007 · December 2013

Definitely have your H talk to them. We try to monitor how much sugar FI's son has because he gets incredibly cranky . EVERY time FMIL comes over to visit (usually unannounced) she either brings him a ton of junk food pulls him aside and loudly tells him it's ok it's from grandma just don't let your parents know or during dessert when we gladly give it to him she not so subtly switches his emptied plate for a new full one. FI finally told her if she continues to break our rules in our home she isn't welcome and it has worked.

RedInLove · December 2013

My MIL's IL's interfered greatly with her raising BIL, and to this day it greatly shows. It might seem small now, but it's really not and will become a bigger issue the more it goes on. They are essentially undermining your authority, rules, etc. and it needs to stop. They will follow the rules of the home or they can live elsewhere. Get your DH on the same page, and then he or the two of you together need to lay it out for them to understand, and don't budge an inch.

Tofumonkey · December 2013

Oh man you have to put a stop to that stat! They absolutely cannot undermine you as parents, and NEVER in your own home!

Pull them aside and gently but firmly tell them that you know that they love LO and as grandparents it is natural to spoil them - and there is a time and place for that. However, you and your husband (this conversation should be coming from the both of you) are instilling your own parenting and family values to how you raise LO and the four of you are giving LO mixed messages. When LO is being disciplined we ask that you please not interfere, even if you are very tempted to come to the rescue. If you find it difficult maybe leave the room for a bit but with grandma and grandpa there to save the day LO will naturally start to play their parents and grandparents off of each other and nobody wants that.

On another note - take a look at things from your MIL's perspective. She has had to move into the basement of her son and DIL and their family, becoming a burden on them. She must feel absolutely humiliated and useless. If it were me I would be trying to help out in any way I could, but timid to do so as I wouldn't want to step on my DIL's toes. That leaves interacting with the kids and trying to "help", which could be her diffusing stressful situations for you with the kids.

Try giving her something to do, to help out with. Ask her to cook one of her specialty dinners that you all love one night. Or help the kids with a project or their homework or something. Try to find the reason for her behaviour and be a bit strategic about it - see if things improve.

Best of luck.

asoiafguy · December 2013

Your husband needs to be the point person for a lot of this communication. Be strong, stand your ground, and know you are being charitable with your in laws.

Mom987 · December 2013

afox007 said:
Definitely have your H talk to them. We try to monitor how much sugar FI's son has because he gets incredibly cranky . EVERY time FMIL comes over to visit (usually unannounced) she either brings him a ton of junk food pulls him aside and loudly tells him it's ok it's from grandma just don't let your parents know or during dessert when we gladly give it to him she not so subtly switches his emptied plate for a new full one. FI finally told her if she continues to break our rules in our home she isn't welcome and it has worked.

This. My FIL gives our kids sweet tea and cookies just for fun. Without trying any other food or drink first. It's fun for him which pisses me off. He'll say "can he have a cookie?" While he's standing there and already eating one! Then I'm mean for saying no. F that.

Feeling like an outsider in my own home...

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