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Is he crazy?

So my husband and I got into it again. This is the second time he has told me that I have "never worked" for anything in my life. Now, I do not know where he gets this. I served my country for five years right out of high school in the Navy. After the Navy I have graduated and gotten certified as a Medical Assistant. I've worked in a couple of ER's and ICU. I'm currently in college (part time) working toward my BSN AND working part time. Yet, he bought me a car when we first got married because my engine was about to blow. I could not afford a decent car at the time and frankly, I felt that I could get one on my own. However, he felt that he should get me a car and he did. So, now he holds that and the fact that he has so much more money than I do over my head. He's a day trader, I'm a CSA at a local drug store. I needed "my" car today, he was working on it and we got into a blow out. He went as far as to tell me as he has in the past that he'll "take" my keys. 

I am an adult, a woman past her twenties and this man is treating me like a kid. He never wanted kids. I always feel that he is controlling me because I am not as healthy as him, etc. I've been sick for the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, I will have to have several tests and a couple procedures in the new year. I want so bad to make him eat his words. I refuse to hear his non sense and I will not tolerate his words because they are FALSE. I really think he enjoys making me feel like I have nothing because when I told him I was going to get my own car he laughed and said "with what?"... What an ass! He has it all. The close family (I'm only close to my paternal aunt), a big house, a nice truck and a car that he says is mine. He's a part time college student, a day trader, and yes, he is retired from the military due to being wounded. 

I wasn't wounded. I was fortunate to be in the Navy and at sea VS. shore. I had a rough childhood and had to grow up very fast like many have. I survived. I keep surviving. That is all I know how to do... 

What would you do and/or how would you feel if you were in this particular situation?

Re: Is he crazy?

  • I'd wonder why the fuck I married such an asshole and get myself a lawyer.

    Exactly!
    If you're married how is everything his or yours still? It should be our money, our house, etc. Get that lawyer.

  • I would feel like I was being controlled by an abuser and I would get a divorce.
    image
  • Where is the love, support and generosity?? It sounds like your DH resents you and sees you as a nuisance, instead of supporting you (in sickness and in health, wasn't that the agreement?) I think our partners should be our number one supporters and cheerleaders, instead of the people who point out our flaws and make fun of our life decisions. If he can't accept and love you for who you are, and be there for you when you're going through health issues, he's not the right person for you. He sounds awful, inconsiderate and like he has a superiority complex. You know how he views you is not who you really are, and why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you? You're worth more than that. Buying you a car doesn't give him the right to start insulting and controlling you. I hope you stand up for yourself.
  • Okay well, if he sees himself as earning money and attaining your financial goals whereas you are contributing only minimally to the household income yet not having kids to care for I can kind of see where he is coming from. Not that I necessarily agree with him, but I can see where he may be coming from. He doesn't see you as an equal or a team mate and fair enough - financially you are not and he feels that you are more of a dependent on him.

    What was the plan when you first got together? The plan for your careers? Have these changed? 

    It feels like there is a lot more going on than just him being upset about your earning potential - but that this is what he is choosing to focus on. I'd talk to him about how you are feeling and suss out what the two of you want for the future - and how you can work toward that. 

    And if you can't have an easy conversation like that with your husband you've got some other things to consider.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • He is abusive. You need to get out. His behavior is inexcusible and likely to escalate. You need a lawyer, and I'd recommend getting in touch with a women's shelter for help and advise. There is just no telling what a man who would demean his wife like that is capable of. I had a friend whose husband said very similar things to her, which she brushed off for years, and he eventually became very scary. The early acts on generosity that are then held over your head, those are classic early signs of abuse. Good people don't do that.
  • He sounds like my father....get out now....
  • Wow. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It sounds to me like 1) He doesn't respect you at all. 2) Your values are totally different.
    He sounds like a controlling, materialistic, selfish, and abusive guy. From what you said, you are VERY accomplished in your own right, and I would feel very bitter if I did all of that and was told I never worked for anything. That is some MAJOR B.S.

    I'm sorry to say but this doesn't sound good at all. He has no respect for you, and it doesn't seem like you can trust him if one minute he's offering you a car, and the next he's taking away your keys and insulting your accomplishments. And a marriage without respect or trust does not sound like one that can work. Either he needs to have a huge wake up call, or I'd start thinking of how to get away. You said you don't have kids, so that hopefully makes it easier. :(


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  • This is weird, HE is weird... and it is going to get weirder unless you ditch this guy.

    he's got a whole control issue tied up in that dopey car. Let him have his car back and you make sure he hits the road for good while you're at it --- I wouldn't tolerate the control issue. 

    If he is this controlling with a car, what else will he control next???


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