Bad Day, need to vent (long)

islandmonkey8 · December 2013

Back story: We spent Thanksgiving with DH's family, saw mine for 20 minutes that day. DH's family was told at Thanksgiving that we were doing Christmas this year with my family since we spent Thanksgiving with them. Figured we would rotate. We asked my family if they wanted to come to our house for Christmas. They agreed. We invited everyone including DH's family. We knew they were going to DH's parents, but wanted to make sure to send the invite anyway. We would love for our families to spend the holidays together, but no matter how hard we try, they won't change their traditions. But my family, will meet in the middle per say, and come to our house for a holiday. DH's won't.

Present: DH and I had a great Christmas yesterday up until we went to bed. His sister text him and was reaming him out for her only seeing us for 45 minutes yesterday. (We actually got to his parents at 11:15 and left at 1:45 because my family was coming at 2, SIL didn't show up at her parents til 1) She told him that he has no right to "take Christmas away" from his mother and can't believe we didn't go there for Christmas and instead were with my family. She went on and on and DH went back at her because of how pissed he was. I asked him to just leave it because I knew she was making it worse because she was drunk (everyone drinks a lot at the holidays at my in laws, nothing wrong with it, I just knew that was one thing making their argument worse). He didn't listen and they went back and forth for 45 minutes. I got really upset because I don't understand why they even think we are taking Christmas away from his mom. DH says it ended fine, but I went to sleep very upset and lost.

I can't stop thinking about how frustrating it is that our families won't spend the holidays together. I hate that his parents will go to his sister's house for Easter, but won't come to any holidays at our house because Thanksgiving and Christmas are his mother's holidays to host and nothing will change that. My family would have gone to my IL's yesterday if we weren't hosting and they had been invited. But my family wasn't invited to their house, so were we supposed to just not see them for Christmas or Thanksgiving this year?

I don't know. I slept like crap after all of that. I've been close to tears all morning. If I see one more announcement or new baby picture on FB I may break down right at my desk. I wish I could go home, but I'm out of time for the year so I'm stuck at work miserable with AF on top of it all.

If you made it through all that, you're awesome. Today is just not a good day for me, I'm sad and want to be home cuddling with my dog and DH.

LuckyAngel07 · December 2013

Oh sweetie, that sounds like the pits!! I'm so sorry your ILs refuse to compromise on holidays, like EVERY family needs to do when their children get married! It never ceases to amaze me that one family thinks they should get all the holidays, while the other child's family never gets any. That's awful and selfish, and I'm so sorry YH's sister was such a bitch about it, especially after you already told them how it was going to be.

((hugs)) And I'm sorry that on top of that yesterday, you're stuck at work today AND with AF in tow. Ugh. Hopefully it's a quiet day for you and you don't have to deal with too many people. I hope it goes by quickly so you can head home and snuggle up with your pup!

nfp147 · December 2013

Ugh...Christmas really does bring out the worst in people. I'm sorry you are having such a bad day.

sparklingdiamond · December 2013

I'm so sorry :-( That sounds so frustrating! Like it would really be that hard of them to just come to your house for once!! I hope your day gets better!

nightmare_of_beauty · December 2013

Wow, just wow. Your ILs sound like real peaches. I am so sorry you had to deal with that. DH should have dropped it, but I am happy he stood up for you guys.

Some families just can not let go or compromise. You two have arranged what you will be doing, if they don't like it they can put on some big girl panties and deal with it themselves.

*hugs*

Xan921 · December 2013

Ugh, I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. Splitting up time between families for holidays is never easy and I feel like someone always gets their feelings hurt somehow unless the two families come together but let's be real, I feel like that rarely happens for people. Hopefully your day will go by fast and tomorrow will be better!

Aimothy · December 2013

This is why we set our schedule from the very first holiday we spent together. We rotate holidays. THanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family one year and we rotate the next year. We do not see the other family on the holiday that we don't celebrate with, but find time to go over/down before or after the official holiday. It was hard for my MIL the first year because they live so close to us, so we "could" see them before we leave to go to my parents, but I stood my ground because we can't just go see my parents before heading over to their house, since they live two hours away.

If your MIL has determined that the holidays are "hers" to host, then you'll have to figure out a way to make that work so that you can be happy. I'm just one that believes the elders are the ones that get first dibs on holidays. If you offer to have it at your house and your MIL declines, then it's your job to figure out what will work for your family. Was his sister told of your plans to leave at 1:45? Could you have communicated your timing schedule to her so that she could have spent more time with you?

I think this opens up a great time to discuss with your DH how you are going to do holidays from here on out, because it's not fair to either of you to be screamed at or made to feel sad about ruining the holidays.

PandPMeant2B · December 2013

UGH, how frustrating!!! Sorry you have to deal with all this. (((bug hugs)))

mrsvedo · December 2013

That sounds incredibly frustrating. I'm so sorry your ILs not only won't compromise on location but also are giving you a hard time about doing what works for you and your family too.

islandmonkey8 · December 2013

Aimothy said:

This is why we set our schedule from the very first holiday we spent together. We rotate holidays. THanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family one year and we rotate the next year. We do not see the other family on the holiday that we don't celebrate with, but find time to go over/down before or after the official holiday. It was hard for my MIL the first year because they live so close to us, so we "could" see them before we leave to go to my parents, but I stood my ground because we can't just go see my parents before heading over to their house, since they live two hours away.

If your MIL has determined that the holidays are "hers" to host, then you'll have to figure out a way to make that work so that you can be happy. I'm just one that believes the elders are the ones that get first dibs on holidays. If you offer to have it at your house and your MIL declines, then it's your job to figure out what will work for your family. Was his sister told of your plans to leave at 1:45? Could you have communicated your timing schedule to her so that she could have spent more time with you?

I think this opens up a great time to discuss with your DH how you are going to do holidays from here on out, because it's not fair to either of you to be screamed at or made to feel sad about ruining the holidays.

Everyone was told on Thanksgiving what would be happening Christmas day. We actually weren't supposed to end up at my IL's at all, but we found time so we went, same as on Thanksgiving when we found time to spend 20 minutes at my family's. When we got married we said we would switch holidays each year, prior to being married I would be with my family and DH with his and one of us would end up at dessert at the other's.

So, last year it was Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas with his. I think his sister was pissed because we actually hosted Christmas this year. I honestly think if we had done the exact same thing, but gone to my parents she wouldn't have bitched. I think it also hurt DH more because his sister flipped so much because her boyfriend's family went to Christmas there, why couldn't mine. (mine were not offered an invite and aren't the type to just "show up")

So, next year it should rotate back again. Unless a miracle occurs and everyone wants to share holidays.

mrshall1027 · December 2013

I'm sorry you have to deal with that situation. Hopefully you start having a better day and you feel better soon.

poppies717 · December 2013

I'm sorry. I hate the holidays because of this stuff. I'd lay out your holiday plans well in advance next year. @Aimothy gave great advice.

MRads · December 2013

My mil is a selfish person. We have "taken" every holiday from her, she says. I won't go into it but she has ruined holidays for me because we never see them enough, even yesterday when we spent 6.5 hours at their house. I am really trying to focus on what I can do and not worry about how she or others will respond. But it is hard.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, work and Af. Big hugs.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

islandmonkey8 said:

Aimothy said:

This is why we set our schedule from the very first holiday we spent together. We rotate holidays. THanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family one year and we rotate the next year. We do not see the other family on the holiday that we don't celebrate with, but find time to go over/down before or after the official holiday. It was hard for my MIL the first year because they live so close to us, so we "could" see them before we leave to go to my parents, but I stood my ground because we can't just go see my parents before heading over to their house, since they live two hours away.

If your MIL has determined that the holidays are "hers" to host, then you'll have to figure out a way to make that work so that you can be happy. I'm just one that believes the elders are the ones that get first dibs on holidays. If you offer to have it at your house and your MIL declines, then it's your job to figure out what will work for your family. Was his sister told of your plans to leave at 1:45? Could you have communicated your timing schedule to her so that she could have spent more time with you?

I think this opens up a great time to discuss with your DH how you are going to do holidays from here on out, because it's not fair to either of you to be screamed at or made to feel sad about ruining the holidays.

Everyone was told on Thanksgiving what would be happening Christmas day. We actually weren't supposed to end up at my IL's at all, but we found time so we went, same as on Thanksgiving when we found time to spend 20 minutes at my family's. When we got married we said we would switch holidays each year, prior to being married I would be with my family and DH with his and one of us would end up at dessert at the other's.

So, last year it was Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas with his. I think his sister was pissed because we actually hosted Christmas this year. I honestly think if we had done the exact same thing, but gone to my parents she wouldn't have bitched. I think it also hurt DH more because his sister flipped so much because her boyfriend's family went to Christmas there, why couldn't mine. (mine were not offered an invite and aren't the type to just "show up")

So, next year it should rotate back again. Unless a miracle occurs and everyone wants to share holidays.

Your SIL sounds really selfish and rude. And I'm willing to bet this is not the only time she's behaved like this either. Let's see what happens one day when she's married and is faced with the same dilema on how to split up the holidays. It should not matter if you went to your parent's house for the holiday or hosted them at your house, or even if you guys had chosen to spend it alone - you and your H are free to spend the holiday how you choose and she needs to accept that or stfu. You guys did your part and extended the invite to your IL's to come spend the holiday with you at your place - they are the ones who chose not to come -and you even made time in your busy schedule for that day to go see your IL's...what more do these people want?

The one very big and important thing though - your H stood up for you. Always remember this. No matter how bad the things his sister said were about what you chose to do for the holidays, your H stood by you and put you first.

Don't let her ruin your day....and try to feel better

BruinsBabe33 · December 2013

Ha! My SIL ruined our Christmas, too! And our Thanksgiving! I'm sorry she sucks and ruined the holiday. Hopefully, next year she will not be such a doucher.

Uptowngirl2009 · December 2013

This really sucks. I'm sorry you had to deal with that stress.

rccola1981 · December 2013

I agree with what pp have said, it is not right for ILs to make you feel this way. From our dating days forward we have followed a set holiday plan, for Christmas and MIL has been wonderful at adapting her meals to accommodate my family or even inviting my parents as BIL/ SIL have no other family in the area and don't visit SIL's family anyhow. I'm an only child so it was really important to me to be able to visit my parents for holidays. Occasionally SIL will say something snide about us not being there on Christmas Eve but DH reminds her that in my family the bigger thing is Christmas Eve.

sgautschi · December 2013

First off, the way you decided to do the holidays makes perfect sense to me. We did something similar this year.

Second, your ILs (especially SIL) sound like real jerks. I'm sorry they made the holiday stressful.

I'm also really sorry about all the PR/BR stuff that you have been bombarded with. And AF is a bitch for showing up on too of all that. Big ((hugs))!

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

BruinsBabe33 said:
Ha! My SIL ruined our Christmas, too! And our Thanksgiving! I'm sorry she sucks and ruined the holiday. Hopefully, next year she will not be such a doucher.

Jeez, you too?!!! What is wrong with people?

lindsayandjamie · December 2013

We've had to get on a rotational schedule with my in laws and my family. We rotate Xmas breakfast and Xmas dinner between the groups. Next year we've decided we are staying home and if they want to see us, everyone/anyone can come over. We're tired of racing around on Xmas day to see everyone. But in our case our families are all on the same page so no fighting.

ljraff29 · December 2013

So sorry. DH and I have had too many arguments about holidays to count. I hope they're more understanding as time goes on. I know we're getting there, it just takes time.

FutureMrsWright2012 · December 2013

Sorry, island... That has to be so frustrating! I don't know why the holidays seem to bring out the worst in people sometimes.

Maybe it would help to set the stage for next year's holidays early (like after things die down from this past holiday season). Perhaps your hubby can also sit down and talk things out with his parents, too. Sorry again, Miss! Wishing you a very happy (and stress-free) New Years!

BeeLu · December 2013

I'm sorry your in-laws are being difficult. I think you handled things well, and that SIL probably shouldn't be allowed to have a phone when she's been drinking.

MariaBend25 · December 2013

Others in my family have a similar rotation, but with a twist. One year they will be with the maternal side for Thanksgiving dinner, then will depart for the paternal side for the rest of the night. For Christmas they have dinner with the paternal side, then depart for the maternal side for the rest of the evening. I don't know what times your family gathers for the holidays, but perhaps that could work (if hosts are not too far from each other). It is difficult to split the holidays between families, but it can work out. Another Christmas idea is having Christmas Eve with one family, and the Day with the other.

Just know that almost everyone faces this each year, but you and your husband will figure out what works best and the holidays of the future will get (hopefully) easier.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

lindsayandjamie said:
We've had to get on a rotational schedule with my in laws and my family. We rotate Xmas breakfast and Xmas dinner between the groups. Next year we've decided we are staying home and if they want to see us, everyone/anyone can come over. We're tired of racing around on Xmas day to see everyone. But in our case our families are all on the same page so no fighting.

See, I wish we could see both families on the holidays but mine lives 2.5 hours away so it's really not possible to see both on the same day. Unless I want to sit in 8 hours of traffic and ruin my holiday.

My dilemma for both Christmas and Easter is the fact that my IL's actually celebrate both holidays twice. (Eastern European) My H and I actually had a big argument about Thanksgiving one year because his mother was insisting that we go there AND also spend all the other holidays there too - for both celebrations. I put my foot down on that because she was being really ridiculous about it. She's slowly getting used to the idea of us not being there for every holiday now, but we still struggle sometimes. Like, we just hosted them for Christmas, but Armenian Christmas is in 2 weeks, so it's 'expected' of us to go there for that. Meanwhile, I have my family too that I would like to see at some point. It gets to be too much running around though and I've decided that if (IF) I do have a child, I'm not putting them through all this running around on the holidays.

My advice to everyone is not to let ridiculous rude relatives push you around. You just have to do what works best for you.

Bad Day, need to vent (long)

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