Advice on how to be supportive through the grieving process...

Re: Advice on how to be supportive through the grieving process...

• Sillygirl45 member

  

  November 2013

  Hello all,
  
  My husbands grandma passed away last weekend, and we have all been completely devastated.
  
  She was diagnosed with uterine Cancer about 6 months ago, and so we have had some time to accept the fact that eventually, this disease would take her life. However, that didn't make any of this easier. She lives about 4 hours away, so for the past 6 months we've spent the weekends driving to her house, spending time with her, him helping her get adjusted in her bed and me painting her nails, of course chatting, playing cards when she could and so on. We got the news last Friday that she probably wouldn't make it through the night, and as we were on our way to go see her - she passed away. We missed her.
  
  We continued to drive up, and went to her house to spend some time with his grandpa, his mom who had been driving up a few hours before us, but still missed her. We had planned to stay the weekend, if she had stayed a little longer, and a big part of me wanted to stay for the weekend anyway, just to be with family, as it was a place of fond memories. I am also very close with his grandpa, and my MIL, so I wanted to be there for them. My husband couldn't even bare to be in the house - it was just too painful for him, and so after a few hours we drove home.
  
  My husband and I were very close to his grandma, though of course she has been in his life forever, and they have memories, and connections that run deeper than I had with her. That being said, I am of course very saddened by her passing, as she has been in my life for quite some time, however he is absolutely crushed.
  
  My husband is very quietly emotional, usually we work through things really well, as we both (usually) understand each others POV and thinking process. However, this time I am at a loss.
  
  We are opposites in the fact that for me, it is comforting to talk about her - to remember the fun we had, and to look at photos and to be around other people.
  
  He has been wanting to grieve alone and frankly, just be alone at all times since she has passed. I know it has just been a few days - but I am struggling not to take it personally. I took the day off work on Monday, and he was almost disappointed that I was home, because he just wanted to be alone. He has been playing xbox and coming to bed way after I do - which is sometimes normal, as he does work night shifts - but usually he will come and snuggle with me before I go to bed if he is not at work, and then stay up until he is tired - but right now - he is really avoiding being close to me. I have told him that I won't bring it up, or ask him about it unless he wants me to - but maybe he thinks I will anyway and he will become upset?
  
  Overall, I am just really struggling with the fact that we are grieving so differently. I know grief is personal, and for me, I would like to be around people, and spend time with my husband and for him, he would like to be alone.
  
  I have spoken to him a little bit about it (of course very carefully) - and how for me, I would like to spend sometime with him, and it would help me with this process too - but I also told him, that I want to be there for him, for whatever he needs - but he does need to remember to tell me what that is, as I can't always tell how he's feeling (since he doesn't verbalize it).
  
  I'm not really sure if this is a question, or if maybe I would just like some input on how you guys would handle this situation going forward?
  
  
  

  This is the thing, grief is so personal and everyone grieves differently. Be there when he wants you to and leave him alone when he wants. Sometimes it is nice to just be alone and do your own thing. 

  I know you're usually together and very open about how you're feeling, but sometimes you just need to be alone with your feelings and thoughts. Please remember this is not about you or your relationship. I would suggest grief counseling if this gets to be concerning. If you need support, I would suggest grief counseling for you as well. He may not be able to be there for you at this point, so you may need an outside source of support. I am so sorry for your loss and your husbands. 

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• LaxWife member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  @Sillygirl45 Thank you so much. You are so right, that was much needed.
  
  We actually had a big talk about it a few days ago, and we are in a much better place now.
  
  
  

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• Phantom&Tessa member

  

  December 2013

  Grief is a personal thought process, everyone's got a different way of coping. All I could do when my husband's grandparents passed away was sit close. My grandmother needed an embrace to hold her together when we got to the hospital too late for my grandfather. I needed to throw myself into work, give myself time to think about it in private, take a walk in the woods.

  I'm glad to hear you're in a better place with your man now. I hope you remember her with love and laughter and joy for what she meant to each of you.

  x

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