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Financial burden of parents-need advice
I know that sounds like a horrible title, but here's the deal:
My mom is 56 years old. She has not worked for...about 10 years I'm guessing? I might be off by a year or two. This is not because of any physical limitation or inability to work. She just simply hasn't tried to get a job. I used to try to motivate/cajole/what have you to encourage her to get a job, but she just always has an excuse not to. She has had a live-in boyfriend for the last five or six years that has been employed part-time off and on, so his income is what they use to pay bills.
To this end, she has absolutely nothing to her name. No assets, no savings, no retirement, nothing. The home she lives in is owned by my grandmother (who is in a nursing home). The vehicle she drives was handed down to her from another family member. The only good thing about this situation is she also does not have any debts that I am aware of.
My H and I are concerned about what will happen when she needs medical care and/or long-term care. She does not have any health insurance so I don't know if she has any underlying medical conditions, other than being pretty overweight. I know she has some medical things that have gone untreated, such as a knee injury that constantly bothers her, and various other things like that. I even asked her several times to go check out the health care exchange to see if she would qualify for a credit, but she has never done it.
Neither of my siblings are in any position to help at all financially. I love my mom and obviously I want her to be taken care of as much as possible. However, I am concerned that the full financial responsibility of her care is going to fall on me and H. We are financially stable but we are still working on getting our retirement accounts up to where they should be, and we are trying to build an e-fund and fix up our house. I'm scared that it is going to bankrupt us to end up shouldering the care for my mom.
Does anybody have any ideas? I thought it would help if I could purchase health insurance for her, but that doesn't seem to be possible. I'm not sure what steps we can take now to try to prevent a crisis in the future. I know I sound really selfish, but I don't want to give up everything my H and I have worked for because of her poor decisions.
Re: Financial burden of parents-need advice
Check and see if she qualifies for Medicaid, or any other assistance. Also what local senior assistance programs/housing etc are available and their age/income requirements.
I see a huge need in the future by baby boomers for those that have not planned and prepared for their aging needs.
Call Social Security to find out if there is a way to get her estimated payout report (not sure if that is the right name of it). Basically it's a report that shows based on what she's earned to date what her Social Security pay out may be when she is old enough to retire. Hopefully she'll realize that not working all these years is lowering what she will get. When she is old enough you can help her apply for medicad & medicare. Also remind her that even though BF has been around that if something happens & he leaves or dies, that she no longer has any income source from him, especially since they aren't married. He could live another 20 years but what is her plan if he were to die in the next few years, how would she take care of herself. Also if she has siblings, when grandma passes would she be looking at having to selling the house to give the siblings their share of the estate & then what would she do for housing? Basically time to give her the harsh realities of the future and to be honest with her that you aren't in a position to take care of her financially down the road. What she does from there, you have no control over. All you can do is talk to her, express your concerns, share the information with her to think about and offer to help her find resources for help if she wants it. Good Luck!!!
Oh this sounds so familiar to me. My mother is 57, and while she has always worked, she has done absolutely zero to save for retirement. Well, she did at one point, but because of her mountain of debt, she took whatever she had left in her 401k (because according to her, when the market crashed, most of her 401k money was gone, so what's the point of leaving what was left in there). My father, ummm...well, he works....but he seems to be unemployed more than he is actually working. And every single time he is out of work, I get the panicked email from my mother saying 'oh noes, we're screwed!'. So I know both of them are not prepared for retirement, and to be quite honest, I seriously doubt they will ever be able to retire because of this. My mother actually told us that they have nothing for retirement, and I just did not even know what to say.
I've given them advice on how to get themselves out of the hole they are in, which has basically fallen on deaf ears. They yes me about it, then do the exact opposite (or ignore it). It's frustrating to watch and I've pretty much resigned myself that this is how it is going to be with them and there really is nothing I can even do to help them at this point. I can't and won't help them financially because any amount I would give them anyway would not even make any meaningful difference in their debt. And quite honestly, it is not my responsibility when they are the ones who have made poor choices. Not to mention, what lesson will they learn if someone just bails them out? I have one 22 year old brother, who still lives at home, goes to college, and works part time....he does not contribute anything to the house. If anything, even though he has his own money now, he still expects my parents to pay for stuff. I've yelled at my mom time and time again about this too - usually when she emails me complaining about my brother, my dad, or both. I tell her to stop enabling them, and meanwhile, my last trip down there, we went to pick my brother up at the hair dresser he goes to, and I see my mother paying for his haircut. wtf.
So yea, anyway, OP - your mother's financial problems are not really your responsibility. She's made the choice not to work, not to save for retirement, basically not to do anything to better her situation, so really, this is not your fault, nor is it really your problem. Help her to get signed up for Medicaid or whatever, but beyond that, I would flat out tell her that you are in no position to help her beyond that.
You can help your mom by directing her to the resources she needs to get help, but it is not your job or responsibility to "make" your mom care to use them and it is certainly not your job to pay for her aid when she hasn't done anything to help herself.
Ditto PP who said to keep your finances a secret.
And by all means don't feel bad for the hard work and sacrifices you have made to cover your own behind for the future. People who look for and take hand outs have a way of making the hard workers feel guilty about their successes.
Thank you all for your replies! Really, they are not harsh at all and I agree with most of what has been said. I feel more assured that we won't be held liable for my mom and her care when she gets older, although it's hard not to worry about how she will be taken care of.
Hoffse--I'm with you on the not sharing our finances. I don't share anything about my H and I's financial situation with my family. They believe that if you have the money, you can afford something. They would be utterly shocked that we have money in retirement and savings that we have not spent, and would probably start asking for loans.
Maple2--I can appreciate the sentiment behind what you are saying. Like I said, I want to see my mom taken care of. However, I don't feel obligated to put us in a financial crunch to help her, especially when she is making zero effort to prepare. It would feel a lot different if she was working but was just coming up short; I would definitely want to step in and help where I could. However, at this point, stepping in to 'help' would mean me paying for everything since she has not even attempted to plan for the future.
To answer one of PPs questions: the house is not my grandmother's primary residence; therefore, if she runs out of funds to pay the nursing home and has to go on Medicaid, the state would take the home my mom lives in first. She is aware that this is a very real possibility and is still not taking steps to prevent possibly becoming homeless. It makes me very sad.