Um, WTF? Advice needed

poppies717 · January 2014

My sister called me to check on me today. She let me know that she would still be gestational carrier for us if we really wanted to do that. I told her that it was so nice of her to offer, especially because we both live in pretty GC-friendly states. It's definitely something DH and I are opening up to. We could have genetic links to our children if I can't have a successful pregnancy. My sister would get to carry her niece/nephew. I told her I would hopefully know more by the summer.

"Well, just so you know, we want to try for our second in September."

Why the F would she offer to be a GC for us if she's planning on trying for her second? I didn't know what to say except, "Well, we wouldn't want to wait until the end of 2015 to start this process." Then she kept telling me that she was totally willing to be a GC for us and wanted to do it, but she just hoped I understood she couldn't put off her family plans. I totally understand that (and I really do, but FFC: I better get pregnant before she does...I might actually lose my mind), but we didn't want to put off our family plans either. We've been trying for almost 2 years - why would we wait another 2? She just kept reiterating how badly she wanted to do this for us. I know she's going to bring it up again after our WTF appointment. What do I say? I'm tempted to just be like, "Thanks, but no thanks. I can't believe you want us to wait another two years," but I know that's bitchy.

carcrashheart · January 2014

that's probably exactly what i would say. that's pretty much making an offer that the other person really can't take them up on. almost as if it makes her feel better about herself because she made such a grand gesture offer when really, it's not an offer at all and was better off left unsaid. i wouldn't take her up on her offer either and would simply tell her that while i appreciate it we really aren't going to wait two years for it to be able to happen, that's just not an option.

R.Wilsonny · January 2014

Oh that's shitty. Why offer something as big as this then turn around and say 'well yea, I'll do it but you have to wait.' That's not very fair to you guys. I would tell her exactly what PP just said too....

Apollo11235 · January 2014

WTF? I'm so sorry you're dealing with this with your sister. I would probably just decline the offer and tell her you're not ready to sit back and wait 2 years for her to be ready for you to have a child the way she wants so badly for it to happen.

nfp147 · January 2014

I don't know your sister at all, but my sister and I are very close and I know that it would be very hard for her to offer to be a GC, but then tell me about her plans. In our relationship, my sister would be feeling really bad about the timing. Maybe yours does too and just wasn't good with her words?

I'm also going to play devil's advocate. Imagine if you were her. You want so badly to help, but would you really put off your own family plans for 2 years to do this for her?

I'm sorry poppies. You have had some really shitty things happen lately and I wish nothing but the very best for you

islandmonkey8 · January 2014

I'm sorry. I don't know at all what the right thing to say here is. ((Hugs)) wish you didn't have to think about this at all.

poppies717 · January 2014

nfp147 said:

I don't know your sister at all, but my sister and I are very close and I know that it would be very hard for her to offer to be a GC, but then tell me about her plans. In our relationship, my sister would be feeling really bad about the timing. Maybe yours does too and just wasn't good with her words?

I'm also going to play devil's advocate. Imagine if you were her. You want so badly to help, but would you really put off your own family plans for 2 years to do this for her?

I'm sorry poppies. You have had some really shitty things happen lately and I wish nothing but the very best for you

Thanks. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that she brought it up from the beginning (about 5 months ago). I have never asked her to offer. I don't understand why she'd offer only to tell me she is planning on getting pregnant soon. It feels like an empty offer, and given what's been going on, it hurts even more. I wish she'd never even offered even if it comes from a place of wanting to help. I can understand her wanting to expand her family and would never ask her or expect her to wait for us. I just can't understand why she didn't just leave it at "We are looking to expand our family soon" and leave the GC stuff out.

ETA: my crazy over emotional self is thinking too much. It feels like a slap in the face. Like, "Well, let me just get pregnant in September, finish my perfect family, and then I can come back to save your broken body."

LuckyAngel07 · January 2014

I'm sure it was very difficult for her to decide and offer to be a GC for you, no matter how close you both are. But I really don't think she should have reiterated the offer just now when she knows their plans for baby #2. It's just not appropriate.

I think you should be honest with her, and tell her you appreciate the offer, but your timing and her timing are not going to work out. It's not fair to either one of you to make the other wait to fulfill her plans.

poppies717 · January 2014

LuckyAngel07 said:

I'm sure it was very difficult for her to decide and offer to be a GC for you, no matter how close you both are. But I really don't think she should have reiterated the offer just now when she knows their plans for baby #2. It's just not appropriate.

I think you should be honest with her, and tell her you appreciate the offer, but your timing and her timing are not going to work out. It's not fair to either one of you to make the other wait to fulfill her plans.

Thank you for taking exactly how I feel and putting it into eloquent words. Inappropriate to reiterate the offer. Yes, so much yes.

sgautschi · January 2014

I agree with what @luckyangel07 said. She should have just TTC#2 then afterwards, if you still needed the offer (which I really hope you don't), she could have brought it up again when she really was able to offer it.

I really hope this next cycle works though so you don't even need the offer. FX for you!

ILoveRedVino · January 2014

Keep in mind that there is a difference between people who can't get pregnant and people who can't stay pregnant. GCs are usually an option when a bio mom is unable to carry a pregnancy.

RockABye · January 2014

I'm sorry

I kinda see both sides of it, not that it makes it any better. She also may have thought that you wouldn't consider the GC thing until later anyway so figured maybe she had time to pursue her own in the meantime? I don't know. I hope that things work themselves out. That's such a sweet offer from her, even though the timing off the offer is off ((hugs))

abt8113 · January 2014

I think lucky said it best. Sorry you are having to go through this. She shouldn't have reoffered if she was making her own plans.

amandaf6383 · January 2014

I'm sorry Poppies :-( Big hugs, you've had it really rough lately.

Um, WTF? Advice needed

Re: Um, WTF? Advice needed

Choose Another Board

Search Boards