Another MIL post

Sharpschruter22 · January 2014

My MIL is a very sweet and loving person. She devoted her life to her 2 kids and this past Christmas was the first one away from their home and with me as an added bonus!

They came to our home for an early Christmas with my single SIL (5 hr drive) because we were going to my parents for Christmas (also 5 hr drive, but in the opposite direction) to see my brother who flew in from NJ. It was wonderful for them to come because otherwise we wouldn't have gotten to see them.

MIL brought some food with her to help with the cost of the weekend which was very helpful. The problem is that when she got into my kitchen she completely took over. On what was our Christmas Day, after a small breakfast that she made and opening gifts, we were tired and both took a nap. I don't think she ever really took a nap though because an hour later she woke me up to say dinner would be in 15 min. What?!? I had a casserole and mashed potatoes I planned on making for it and I had previously told her this. I told her I was disappointed because I had those two items I was going to make and she said not to worry because we didn't really need it. We had ham, velveeta shells and cheese, and stuffing left over and frozen from Thanksgivibg. Not my idea of Cheistmas dinner but I guess she just wanted to make it easy, much like our breakfast was.

They only stayed two nights and were there one full day but she cooked the entire time telling me she wanted me to rest. I know she was doing it out if a good heart and all, but I was really looking forward to hosting our first Christmas and didn't get to do a thing. Because I was disappointed, I chose to be in a bad mood the only full day they were there and instead of staying an extra day which was a possibility, they decided not to which made me feel awful. How do I avoid all of this next time?

WendyGR · January 2014

Instead of being in a bad mood, it would have been better to communicate your feelings. You said that you tried, but I wonder if she was listening? It probably didn't seem like a big deal to her, you should have explained about it being important to you to host your first Christmas and all. In the future, clearly communicate your expectations.

Sillygirl45 · January 2014

I would talk to your H and ask what he thinks about how you can approach this now and in the future. Sometimes it's best to leave the past in the past, and sometimes you need to speak up. If you feel like you can talk to her, apologize for your "bad mood" and tell her you were just really excited to host your first Christmas. I kind of feel like your H shouldn't have let this situation get this far. He should have pulled his mother aside at some point and asked her to stop. You were hosting and to let you host. There are ways to say it nicely, but you get my point. Normally I would also say let him deal with mom, but since you feel like you reacted poorly, it's up to you to apologize and/or explain if you feel the need to. As for your reaction, once you realized dinner was made, suck it up. Make you casserole for the next day, or go ahead and have it with MIL's dinner. You can always reheat a casserole.

In the future, make a menu with items she is responsible for. Then she has something to do and you get the dinner you want. I also wouldn't go back to bed after breakfast when hosting guests. Maybe she thought she was being helpful since you were so tired.

If she continues to overstep, your H needs to talk to her and you need to roll with whatever happens in the moment. Let him take the lead with his mom.

EastCoastBride · January 2014

I agree w/ silly- one thing to try is to assign certain things to her. However, this, to me, is also a situation where your DH needs to step up and run interference. The next time you all host her, HE needs to help make it clear to her what you all want of her.

It is nice that she was trying to alleviate the burden from you, but still - it's YOUR home, YOUR kitchen. She needs to let you run the show.

TarponMonoxide · January 2014

Have her stay in a hotel. Foot the bill.

That's how you avoid it next time.

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

Next time I would be polite but direct

" MIL, thank you for all of your help, but if I am going to be honest, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner. It is something I planned for a while now. How about you make your famous _________, though. That sounds delicious."

I have to ask? She really wanted you guys to have leftovers that were a month old ?

Sharpschruter22 · January 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

I have to ask? She really wanted you guys to have leftovers that were a month old ?

She made a double recipe of stuffing during thanksgiving that she immediately froze. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Thanks for your advice, ladies.

Sharpschruter22 · January 2014

When I realized dinner was already made, I did suck it up. I never complained to her. My bad mood wasnt externalized and no one even knew I was irritated. Maybe that is part of my problem. Maybe I should have told her what I was feeling. We had the conversation before she came about what she was bringing and what I would be making for Christmas dinner. That's why I was so frustrated when I woke up to it all being done without the things that make Christmas dinner Christmas dinner to me.

The nap wasn't right after breakfast. It was in the afternoon after a busy day of Christmas festivities. MIL takes a nap every day and when she is here, I take the time that she is napping as an opportunity to relax and have quiet time. That day I was dead tired after not getting any sleep the night before and I took a nap.

EastCoastBride · January 2014

Sharpschruter22 said:

That day I was dead tired after not getting any sleep the night before and I took a nap.

And there is a chance she realized this, felt it was because she was there, and tried to help mitigate the work.

It's still pushy to totally take over a holiday meal. I don't want to totally give her an out. But still- her actions might have been coming from a good place.

Sharpschruter22 · January 2014

EastCoastBride said:

Sharpschruter22 said:

That day I was dead tired after not getting any sleep the night before and I took a nap.

And there is a chance she realized this, felt it was because she was there, and tried to help mitigate the work.

It's still pushy to totally take over a holiday meal. I don't want to totally give her an out. But still- her actions might have been coming from a good place.

Oh I know it came from a good place. She didn't do anything to irritate me on purpose. She was definitely trying to help, that's why I'm not sure how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Greco1014 · January 2014

Sharpschruter22 said:

Sharpschruter22 said:

That day I was dead tired after not getting any sleep the night before and I took a nap.

And there is a chance she realized this, felt it was because she was there, and tried to help mitigate the work.
It's still pushy to totally take over a holiday meal. I don't want to totally give her an out. But still- her actions might have been coming from a good place.
Oh I know it came from a good place. She didn't do anything to irritate me on purpose. She was definitely trying to help, that's why I'm not sure how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Hey lady, I feel for you. My MIL would do almost exactly the same thing. I've spent the last few years perfecting my methods for not letting her take control. Here's how I would handle it in the future (sorry this is so long, but like I said, I've been dealing with the same thing for a looooong time):

1) First and foremost, do not give her the opportunity to take over by removing yourself from the situation (i.e. taking a nap). I can understand why you thought a nap would be okay, but take that as a lesson learned. When you are hosting (and especially when you are hosting your MIL) you stay have to stay vigilant. Get through the event, then go to bed early.

2) Enlist your husband's help ahead of time. Tell him that it's very important to you to host and make X, Y and Z, and tell him that you're concerned his mother may try to change the plan. THis way, he can help out by doing everything from keeping her busy while you are cooking to gently pulling her aside and telling her that you have the dinner under control. If you don't think he will think to do these things himself, ask him to do them. He'll get it eventually.

3) Always be polite, but firm. If you're MIL jumps in and starts to take over, keep a smile on your face and say with confidence, "Oh, you're so sweet to want to help out, but I have my heart set on making X, Y, and Z." Or, "It would mean so much to me to get to make X, Y and Z for you." Try to make it sound like she's doing you a favor by letting you do it your way. I find that's the most effective way to deal with my MIL. And whatever you do, do not back down. Which brings me to my last point:

4) Make what you planned on making no matter what. Worst case scenario, if your MIL was able to get into the kitchen and make dinner without you realizing (like she did while you were napping) and she tells you dinner will be ready in 15 minutes, you jump up and say, "Oh no, I still need to make the potatoes!" ANd then you start making what you were going to make. And if it means that what she made needs to be put aside and eventually reheated when your food is ready, so be it. And if it means that you serve her mac and cheese and stuffing AND your potatoes at the same meal, so be it. I would definitely serve whatever she made, but I would serve it alongside what I make. Hopefully, from this she would get the message that she doesn't NEED to help out so much, and that her doing so won't make your life easier, anyway. And again, the whole time you are putting dinner off so you can make what you planned on making, be kind. Simply make it seem like the whole situation is out of your hands; your potatoes and casserole are on the menu so that's what you are making, and isn't it a shame that MIL's mac and cheese is going to get cold, and you just wish she'd asked you before she made it so you could have saved her from doing all that extra work, and blah, blah blah...you get the idea.

Bottom line is, stay in control, stick to your plan if it's important to you, and always be polite.

R.Wilsonny · January 2014

^^^ I have a similar approach when it comes to hosting things at my house with my IL's. My MIL loves to take control of things and I found the best way to avoid that is to prep stuff in advance as much as possible and have it ready to go, that way there's really nothing for her to do when she shows up at my house. I try to anticipate anything that she could possibly try to do to get in the way or take over, and take whatever steps I need to so that doesn't happen. And I make my H help me - just tell him that I want us to have everything ready before people arrive at our house, that way we can relax and enjoy our guests. We hosted Christmas at our house this year and it went smoothly because we made sure we had everything ready in advance.

ebcrist · January 2014

If it was a normal "hosting" weekend, I would echo what a lot of PP's have said. Your house, your hosting. However, for what it's worth, my perspective is a little different for the holidays.

I don't know about your family, but for mine, Christmas traditions are HUGE deal to the point of being ritualistic. My husband laughs at our attachment to traditions all the time but is game to come along for the ride. The fact that your MIL was willing to change/eliminate something that it sounded like she was very attached to without even mentioning disappointment is a score for her in my book. I know a lot of people who's in-laws get scarily possessive around the holidays. Because of this and the fact that they were the ones who traveled to make the in-law family Christmas happen, I would personally be more flexible with my control of the cooking.

It is irritating that it was discussed beforehand and she never mentioned doing dinner herself (I would want to know that before as well), but maybe this dinner is something she is attached to sentimentally for the holidays, and this was her only chance to make it happen because you were visiting the alternate family. For next time, I would just make sure that I discussed with her any details that bothered you this year ahead of time in detail (like meals, etc.). Even if you have an awesome family not everyone is always going to be happy about everything, so the better you are at compromising before the fact, the easier it is to just roll with it and enjoy it during the holiday itself--even if not everything goes strictly according to "the plan".

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