Vent and advice needed

mrshall1027 · January 2014

As you all know, we've been having a somewhat difficult time with this whole TTC thing. I love the support I am getting from everyone here, but IRL, it's seriously been lacking. I have two good girlfriends that I tell everything to. One of them was my maid of honor and I'm a bridesmaid in the others upcoming wedding. I know they have a lot going on in their own life, but I just feel like they're totally neglecting what I have going on. I try to stay involved with what's big in their worlds and check in often for updates, but neither one of them has once asked me what's going on. I always have to bring it up and tell them anything new. The future bride was even over at my house last night and didn't even bring it up. I purposely didn't bring it up just to see if she would, and nothing.

Should I say anything? Am I being too sensitive? I just feel like I have no one to relate to or share with IRL and it just sucks, especially since things haven't been easy lately. Of course I have H, but sometimes you just need a girlfriend.

mana8503 · January 2014

I personally don't like bringing up Trouble TTC with friends. I figure if they want to talk about it they will bring it up. I don't want to bring up bad feelings if they just want a fun time hanging out. It doesn't mean I don't think about them all the time.

I think it stems from my cousin trying for years, like 8 or so, and nothing. She was really open and we talked about it a lot. Then they moved on to adoption. We went down for Thanksgiving and my dad asked about they baby they were suppose to get. She broke down crying. No one told us the parents changed their minds. 2 year later, she finally got a beautiful baby girl this summer.

islandmonkey8 · January 2014

I don't think it's that your friends don't care. I think they're probably afraid to bring it up. It's a touchy topic and your friends I'm sure don't want to upset you. If it really is bothering you that they aren't asking, maybe let them know that. Tell them you need someone to talk to and hope that they can ask how your doing more often. We only have a couple friends and family members that know what is going on and only one of them asks how we're doing. It's up to us to talk.

Also, if your friends aren't going through similar things, that could be why they won't bring it up too. They might just not understand how hard it is.

Good luck. I hope you get some more IRL support.

lehc723 · January 2014

It's a HUGELY hard thing to bring up if you're not in that world yourself. I've had friends who I sort of knew or suspected were TTC and I never brought it up because I didn't want them to say, "Actually, yes, I just got my BFP but I don't want to jinx it" or anything worse that would make them sad or uncomfortable, so I, as the friend, have always just approached it as: let her talk. So they may just not really know how to broach the subject. If they're close friends of yours then I can totally see wishing that they'd at least try, but honestly, I think it's one of those things that's best talked about with people who can relate or are in your shoes or are removed enough that you can talk about something so personal, you know? But, again, take everything I say with a grain of salt because I'm not in this boat so maybe I'm wrong and maybe all my IRL friends have felt the same.

But, anyway, good luck, and sending major hugs.

brainybrunette · January 2014

I completely agree with @islandmonkey8

H and I aren't TTC yet and don't have any friends who are currently TTC either. I would have no idea how to bring the subject up even if my closest friends were having trouble TTC. I've noticed that when it comes to TTC, some people are very open about it whereas others are not and/or have negative emotions triggered by the mention of certain things. Maybe your friends are kind of like me, with no TTC experience, and have no idea how to approach the subject with you. Maybe you could talk to them about the support that you need?

mrshall1027 · January 2014

I can see that point of view and maybe that's why they aren't bringing it up. I guess I expect them to be more comfortable talking to me about it because we literally talk about everything with each other.

ETA: They used to ask about it in the beginning, when we weren't doing any medicated cycles. It's when we started having trouble that I noticed them not asking about it anymore. But this is when I need the emotional support more.

goatlady12 · January 2014

@ystaalenburg I would just let them know that you need their support. I agree with PP it's an extremely touchy subject to bring up.

LDubHawksFan · January 2014

islandmonkey8 said:
I don't think it's that your friends don't care. I think they're probably afraid to bring it up. It's a touchy topic and your friends I'm sure don't want to upset you. If it really is bothering you that they aren't asking, maybe let them know that. Tell them you need someone to talk to and hope that they can ask how your doing more often. We only have a couple friends and family members that know what is going on and only one of them asks how we're doing. It's up to us to talk.

Also, if your friends aren't going through similar things, that could be why they won't bring it up too. They might just not understand how hard it is.

Good luck. I hope you get some more IRL support.

I agree with this totally. We have a handful of friends and family that knows we are trying, but they don't bring it up. Even when people aren't in the TTC boat, and don't understand exactly how hard it is, there is a stigma with it and people know its best usually not to ask. Especially as you enter into medicated cycles, they may not know ANYTHING about it and don't want to risk saying something insensitive.

Since they are your very good friends, I think you should tell them that you need to vent and need support while going through this. If my friend said that to me, I would ask more and probably research what she was going through. They will still probably take cues from you and you will have to being up things more often than not. Good luck!! And always know you can talk about things here. If I didn't have this and TB, I think I would have gone (more) crazy by now! Ha

xxjen015 · January 2014

I agree with the PP's. Let them know that you need to talk and open up first. They may not have broached the subject because it is a sensitive subject, especially even more so since you've been having trouble and have had to start trying medical assistance. Since it hasn't been working (and since you haven't told them you've gotten a BFP, so I assume they've drawn the conclusion that it hasn't worked yet), if I were them, I'd probably assume it was a difficult subject for you to talk about and I wouldn't want to upset you. Let them know that you need that girlfriend's ear, hopefully it'll help.

*hugs*

sjs1013 · January 2014

I don't think your friends are trying to ignore your fertility problems intentionally and I don't think that they don't care. It's a touchy subject and they probably don't know how to talk about it. If they have not experienced it themselves, then they really don't know what to say. They may be concerned that asking you may upset you. If you tell them that you need supportive ears, I am sure that they will understand and be more comfortable.

Vent and advice needed

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