Family Matters
theamazingmrsa
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL Mad Because We Didn't Visit for Christmas
So, I'm sorry in advance that this is rather long... it has a lot of history behind it.
Last night my husband came home from work, walked in the door and I could hear him on the phone with his mom, apologizing and doing the "it's going to be okay" tone of voice. My MIL tends to do this... freak out and then call my husband and cry on his shoulder. It's rather aggravating. Anyways, the topic this time: we didn't see them for Christmas and she's upset about it. Oh dear.
She's right, we didn't go see them for Christmas for many reasons, none of which have anything to do with us not liking them. First, they live over three hours away from us. While that might not seem like a big deal (for those of you that live in another state from your MIL), we're divided by a set of mountains that requires you to go over a pass. If you're not familiar with passes, they mean two things: loads of snow and uphill driving. We own small cars, that weigh nothing, and I am freaked out to drive the pass in the snow. We did it one year, got stuck (even with chains on) and almost was hit by a semi-truck. I'm now scarred for life. The thought of the pass in the snow makes me sweat profusely. My husband is not a fan either, so we opt to not go see them between November and January. We've told them this, and they say they understand.
Secondly, I'm in nursing school full-time. This means I'm busy 24/7, even during breaks. I barely have time to see my husband, let alone drive three hours to see my MIL. My husband does go see them by himself every few months, since there's no way I can get out from the pile of books I'm under, and I always make it a point to see them during the Summer, since it's my real time off. Then there's also the fact that though I graduate this Summer, once I get a job I'll more than likely get the crap shift working nights and all holidays. New nurses have to pay their dues. So even then, I cannot promise I can go see her during holidays after I get a job.
Here's the kicker, we've invited them to come over and see us more times than I can count. My FIL is not a people-person, therefore doesn't leave the house, let alone the city. For our wedding, it was like pulling teeth to get him to come and even then he refused to wear a suit or shave. I kid you not. My MIL says she's too afraid to come drive this way by herself because we live in a "big city". For the record, she thinks any city greater than 5,000 people is a big city. I also kid you not. They live in such a small town, that driving out of it gives her a panic attack. Our city is fairly small and the drive is highway the entire time. I'm losing my mind.
She's also upset that we often spend Christmas with my parents, since they live fifteen minutes away. It's completely not because I just want to be greedy and spend all my time with them, they're just close and it's convenient. Last year we even ran away by ourselves for Christmas to Canada just so no one could pull this on us.
I need some advice. While she's being "understanding" about the time our lives are in right now, she's also demanding to my husband and then he feels bad because it's his mother. What am I supposed to do???
Last night my husband came home from work, walked in the door and I could hear him on the phone with his mom, apologizing and doing the "it's going to be okay" tone of voice. My MIL tends to do this... freak out and then call my husband and cry on his shoulder. It's rather aggravating. Anyways, the topic this time: we didn't see them for Christmas and she's upset about it. Oh dear.
She's right, we didn't go see them for Christmas for many reasons, none of which have anything to do with us not liking them. First, they live over three hours away from us. While that might not seem like a big deal (for those of you that live in another state from your MIL), we're divided by a set of mountains that requires you to go over a pass. If you're not familiar with passes, they mean two things: loads of snow and uphill driving. We own small cars, that weigh nothing, and I am freaked out to drive the pass in the snow. We did it one year, got stuck (even with chains on) and almost was hit by a semi-truck. I'm now scarred for life. The thought of the pass in the snow makes me sweat profusely. My husband is not a fan either, so we opt to not go see them between November and January. We've told them this, and they say they understand.
Secondly, I'm in nursing school full-time. This means I'm busy 24/7, even during breaks. I barely have time to see my husband, let alone drive three hours to see my MIL. My husband does go see them by himself every few months, since there's no way I can get out from the pile of books I'm under, and I always make it a point to see them during the Summer, since it's my real time off. Then there's also the fact that though I graduate this Summer, once I get a job I'll more than likely get the crap shift working nights and all holidays. New nurses have to pay their dues. So even then, I cannot promise I can go see her during holidays after I get a job.
Here's the kicker, we've invited them to come over and see us more times than I can count. My FIL is not a people-person, therefore doesn't leave the house, let alone the city. For our wedding, it was like pulling teeth to get him to come and even then he refused to wear a suit or shave. I kid you not. My MIL says she's too afraid to come drive this way by herself because we live in a "big city". For the record, she thinks any city greater than 5,000 people is a big city. I also kid you not. They live in such a small town, that driving out of it gives her a panic attack. Our city is fairly small and the drive is highway the entire time. I'm losing my mind.
She's also upset that we often spend Christmas with my parents, since they live fifteen minutes away. It's completely not because I just want to be greedy and spend all my time with them, they're just close and it's convenient. Last year we even ran away by ourselves for Christmas to Canada just so no one could pull this on us.
I need some advice. While she's being "understanding" about the time our lives are in right now, she's also demanding to my husband and then he feels bad because it's his mother. What am I supposed to do???
Re: MIL Mad Because We Didn't Visit for Christmas
Stop adding to the histronics and guilt.
You should have let her message go to voicemail.
That somebody's not tough enough to let her tough it out is the majority of the problem. Sheesh...if you called her, that should have been fine. And if she wanted a visit? Let her pick up the phone and say "Gee if you guys can't come out today, I'd like to see you during the holidays sometime; pick a day; we will meet for lunch or you guys can come here."
I agree with the others. You can't control HER feelings. Stop trying. Stop feeling you have to make up for this.
And seriously- I hope you don't list off all those reasons to her. While all valid, it doesn't matter - you didn't go. Period. You don't need to explain your decisions to her. You REALLY don't. Trust me - she's going to try and poke holes. Giving a simple "We can't make it this year" is going to give her a lot less ammunition.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I actually just sent my MIL and e-mail inviting her to my graduation this Summer and trying to make her included in our lives. I even invited her to stay for a few days and join in on the party my parents are throwing for me. I may regret this later. I really do try, but I agree with everyone that says I just have to let her be disappointed. It's hard to do, but I'm trying.
Again, thank you guys. Much appreciated!!!
Best of luck doll!