Newlyweds: Move or stay with In-laws

DaBearsBride · January 2014

ITS A LONG POST. IM REALLY SORRY.

DH and I moved in with my dad (he lives in a home with 4 unused rooms) right before our wedding to save more money for some honeymoon splurges. We intended to stay here until we saved enough to get a home and pay up all debts (we worked it out to fit in a 4 year plan since we pay no rent to Dad). I love my Dad and so does DH but its been a lot harder than we imagined. I was the oldest of three and had been moved oot for 4 years. My youngest sibling moved out when I moved back. Dads got empty nest syndrome hard and it hurts me to see him so sad but faking like he is ok. He is also self employed with a struggling business and has a newly developed medical complication preventing him from working full time.
All of Dads problems have put a lot of stress on DH and I to pick up the slack with bills and house care, which we are totally ok with helping, but the longer we have been here the more 'entitled' he seems. Like we are expected to pay certain bills and do certain chores and he gets frustrated when we cant pay. But in the same day he will go on about how he loves having us there and how we must love it too since we can live expense free.
There are also minor stressors that are building up: sex sucks when you can only ever be quiet. Brother moved back in and is a total jerk. He bums rides all the time without chipping in for gas because he is jobless. Dad complains a lot about my brothers and sisters, the commute to work everyday racks up $300 a month in gas, we are no where near our friends or even a town for that matter so no social life.
Ultimately, we are now regularly paying quite a bit to stay with Dad. We did the math and it would cost us $300 more per month to move to a one br apartment that is 10 mins from work.
The only problem is that we would be struggling for about 3 months to make it work at this apartment because we will be in our last semester of school and have to cut our work hours. But both of us will be able to work full time after school and I will likely be promoted (doing some training now but no promises yet) which would make this place more affordable. As it stands we would only have about $200-$300 left over per month after all expenses (bills, insurance, food, the whole nine yards) and we wouldnt be able to save during the three rough months.
Right now we have an efund of $2000 which can pay all deposits and first months rent and still leave us with an efund large enough to cover a month of expenses. We also agreed to put back all tax returns to the efund to get us through the slow months if needed.
I just need to know if this is a justifiable move and use of efund or if we need to bite the bullet and live with dad for 4 more months.

hoffse · January 2014

4 months is not forever. An e-fund is to be used for things like job loss. Not because you are impatient with your living situation.

I do sort of sympathize here, but I think you need to count your blessings on this. Plenty of fathers would not permit their son-in-laws to move in. And frankly, as a married couple, I think you are responsible for your own living expenses. So if he asks you to help with the bills now and then, I think that's a pretty fair trade for not charging rent. I don't care how much I love my child - if they got married while still a student and wanted to move home with their spouse, I would charge rent. As it stands, you are still saving more than $1,000 in the long run, even when your dad asks you to help with the bills now and then. Not to be harsh but he IS entitled to your help. It's his house.

Again, it's 4 months, not 4 years. I've been waiting for my H to graduate from law school for two years. Having a long-distance marriage is NOT fun. But love is also not everything - money matters too - and he needs to be employable before our living situation changes. Likewise, I think you need to deal with your living situation for the short term so that it doesn't screw over your long term. And maybe take a step back and realize what a sweet deal you have going on here, instead of resenting your dad for asking for help.

DaBearsBride · January 2014

Thanks for some perspective on it. I understand he is entitled to some help, its just hard because he says expense free so we spend all the would-be-bills-money to snowball debt. Dad doesnt understand this though and is convinced we are sitting on money and not helping. I tried to explain it to him and how I needed a months notice if we need to pay a bill so I budget properly but most of the time he comes to me in a desperate state because the electricity will be cut off tomorrow if I dont help. Its sad and hurts me to see him struggle but sometimes the money isnt there to help out. Idk, the money is definitely a factor but I think what is bothering me more is all the emotional guilt aattached with living here and the strain it has put on DH and I as newlyweds.
You raise valid points though.

Xstatic3333 · January 2014

Since you are still saving money overall, I'd stick it out. I like to throw my extra money right at debt too, but in your case I would put x amount of money in reserve for bills your dad will want help with. If it's left over at the end, you can use it for debt or to bulk up your e-fund then. Unfortunately, it sounds like your dad may not "get" budgeting, so giving warning just wouldn't occur to him.

As for moving out, I, personally, wouldn't be comfortable doing that with a less than $2000 e-fund. DR says $1000 is fine, though, so it depends on your perspective. I also hate depending on family so I would be tempted as well if I were you. Ultimately, financially, since this is the MM board and all, sticking out the four months would be best. Good luck-I do sympathize. It sounds like a tough situation.

Erikan73 · January 2014

I like pp suggestion of budgeting so much a month to help dad out. If he doesn't need it, then you can put extra towards something else. You've done it this long, you can hold out for a few more months. Good luck!!!

RenoisPrettierThanYou · January 2014

It sounds like you thought it was a great idea when you reaped the benefits, but, when your dad needed help, you thought it was time to bail.

Sisugal · January 2014

At a minimum you should be paying 1/2 of all utilities and 2/3 of the groceries.
I can see living with parents trying to get out of debt - but to pay for a honeymoon? That could/should have been postponed until you could actually pay cash for it.

DaBearsBride · January 2014

We did pay cash for the honeymoon. Our original intentions were to stay til the wedding to afford the honeymoon upgrades. After the wedding we realized we could stay there and get out of other debts until we could afford a house.
PP was also correct in saying we were ok with staying until we had to pay. Now that we are paying we feel like we would be better off by ourselves paying a little more in order to avoid the stress of living with Dad.

brij2006 · January 2014

I would sit down and put together a monthly expense with your dad. That way you can know exactly how much you're paying for living there each month, and he can plan on the income also.

There's nothing wrong with him wanting you to help out to offset the expenses. If it still puts you money ahead and gets you closer to debt free, then I would continue to live there.

hoffse · January 2014

So let's be clear: your dad presumably thought you were staying until the wedding. Then you get married. And you don't move out. You say your brother bums rides... well what on earth are you doing?

I sincerely hope your dad invited you to stay. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that he gave you a carte blanche invitation to stay as long as you needed.

If that's what happened, then here is the problem with leaving early:

Say you're in a car wreck next month. Suddenly, can't afford your insurance deductibles. Why? Because you spent your e-fund on moving out early.

Now which would be more stressful to your marriage: 4 more months of dad or added debt because something happens in life that you suddenly can't afford?

Marriage can be really tough. That's the nature of the beast. Money is the #1 cause of divorce. So making a choice that would cause you to lose money is probably not going to "fix" things. In all likelihood, it will end up adding to your stress when you are stretched thin. And it puts you at risk for making things much much worse if you have an accident or an illness or whatever.

I just can't get over the fact that you're talking about doing this with only 4 months left until your income goes up. What about this situation is so terrible that you can't stick it out for 4 months? An annoying brother, a commute, and the inability to have loud sex just don't seem compelling. I agree with Sisugal that you should have been paying, at minimum, half the utilities and 2/3 of the groceries since the day you moved in. It sounds like you've managed to get away without having to do much of any of that. If your dad has invited you to continue on, I don't see what the big deal is.

Ducktale · January 2014

You can hardly blame your dad for asking for money. It is, after all, your responsibility to pay for your living expenses. Maybe you can sit down and work out a more fair amount, like you will pay some rent, bills, etc. so you know when you have to pay and he doesn't have to keep asking you. Sounds like financially it's a good idea to stay, so if you can't afford to move out (which it sounds like you can't) then don't. You're lucky this has worked as long as it has and he has given you this opportunity for this long.

vlagrl29 · January 2014

I moved back in with my parents when I ran away from first H. Got a decent job only a month after moving back and started paying them $240/month in rent. I felt that obviously as an adult this time around, they needed the rent because I was using the utilities too. I also bought my own groceries because we had somewhat different taste in food. I would not use the efund to get out now, no way. I would have never moved back in though so we could have a better honeymoon.

bparkhur · January 2014

My feeling is this: you guys are adults, and you need to become independent. The money for your honeymoon "upgrades" should have been put toward your own independence. But that is beyond repair.

What kind of jobs do the two of you currently hold? In other words, why are you in school? Are you looking for career change? Just because?

From what I understand, you've cut back your work hours to attend school, but school will be ending after this term, and then you plan to increase your hours. Is there no plan to leave these jobs/look for other jobs?

Is it a SURE THING that your hours can be increased? With the change in health care laws, many companies are doing a lot of hour-cutting. Are you speculating about your employment outlook in four months?

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your dad--one that starts with an offer to pay X amount of X bills. It is really the least you can do. I would also have an honest conversation about time table: when does/did he expect you to leave?

If you can resolve these issues, I would absolutely stay there for four months. Prepare yourselves financially so that you do not EVER need to move back!

Newlyweds: Move or stay with In-laws

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