Married Life
DaBearsBride
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
XP: Newlyweds: Move or stay with in laws
in Married Life
XP from MM: DH and I moved in with my dad (he lives in a home with 4 unused rooms) right before our wedding to save more money for some honeymoon splurges. We intended to stay here until we saved enough to get a home and pay up all debts (we worked it out to fit in a 4 year plan since we pay no rent to Dad). I love my Dad and so does DH but its been a lot harder than we imagined. I was the oldest of three and had been moved oot for 4 years. My youngest sibling moved out when I moved back. Dads got empty nest syndrome hard and it hurts me to see him so sad but faking like he is ok. He is also self employed with a struggling business and has a newly developed medical complication preventing him from working full time.
All of Dads problems have put a lot of stress on DH and I to pick up the slack with bills and house care, which we are totally ok with helping, but the longer we have been here the more 'entitled' he seems. Like we are expected to pay certain bills and do certain chores and he gets frustrated when we cant pay. But in the same day he will go on about how he loves having us there and how we must love it too since we can live expense free.
There are also minor stressors that are building up: sex sucks when you can only ever be quiet. Brother moved back in and is a total jerk. He bums rides all the time without chipping in for gas because he is jobless. Dad complains a lot about my brothers and sisters, the commute to work everyday racks up $300 a month in gas, we are no where near our friends or even a town for that matter so no social life.
Ultimately, we are now regularly paying quite a bit to stay with Dad. We did the math and it would cost us $300 more per month to move to a one br apartment that is 10 mins from work.
The only problem is that we would be struggling for about 3 months to make it work at this apartment because we will be in our last semester of school and have to cut our work hours. But both of us will be able to work full time after school and I will likely be promoted (doing some training now but no promises yet) which would make this place more affordable. As it stands we would only have about $200-$300 left over per month after all expenses (bills, insurance, food, the whole nine yards) and we wouldnt be able to save during the three rough months.
Right now we have an efund of $2000 which can pay all deposits and first months rent and still leave us with an efund large enough to cover a month of expenses. We also agreed to put back all tax returns to the efund to get us through the slow months if needed.
I just need to know if this is a justifiable move and use of efund or if we need to bite the bullet and live with dad for 4 more months.
All of Dads problems have put a lot of stress on DH and I to pick up the slack with bills and house care, which we are totally ok with helping, but the longer we have been here the more 'entitled' he seems. Like we are expected to pay certain bills and do certain chores and he gets frustrated when we cant pay. But in the same day he will go on about how he loves having us there and how we must love it too since we can live expense free.
There are also minor stressors that are building up: sex sucks when you can only ever be quiet. Brother moved back in and is a total jerk. He bums rides all the time without chipping in for gas because he is jobless. Dad complains a lot about my brothers and sisters, the commute to work everyday racks up $300 a month in gas, we are no where near our friends or even a town for that matter so no social life.
Ultimately, we are now regularly paying quite a bit to stay with Dad. We did the math and it would cost us $300 more per month to move to a one br apartment that is 10 mins from work.
The only problem is that we would be struggling for about 3 months to make it work at this apartment because we will be in our last semester of school and have to cut our work hours. But both of us will be able to work full time after school and I will likely be promoted (doing some training now but no promises yet) which would make this place more affordable. As it stands we would only have about $200-$300 left over per month after all expenses (bills, insurance, food, the whole nine yards) and we wouldnt be able to save during the three rough months.
Right now we have an efund of $2000 which can pay all deposits and first months rent and still leave us with an efund large enough to cover a month of expenses. We also agreed to put back all tax returns to the efund to get us through the slow months if needed.
I just need to know if this is a justifiable move and use of efund or if we need to bite the bullet and live with dad for 4 more months.
Re: XP: Newlyweds: Move or stay with in laws
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
As other posters have said, it is not a good idea.
If you are not self sufficient, do not get married. Save your money first; get a couple of years' worth of savings on hand and then get married.
You still need an emergency fund and a nest egg.
He allowed DH and I to move in as a form of repayment for the debt he can never physically pay back. He wanted DH and I to stay as long as we liked because his is alone and enjoyed our company. I was appreciative but did expect him to need helped. As I said before, I didnt mind helping at first but now I am paying more than I can afford and the surrounding stressors are more than I care to shoulder as a newlywed. Now I am facing a tough decision on to stay and continue helping/enabling or I can leave and live with the guilt that he is struggling and Im not helping. I know if I stay DH will resent my decision to keep giving him money and if I leave DH and I will be happier as a couple.
Overall it is hard because before DH, Dad was the #1 man in my life but now my DH is #1. Either way Im hurting someone. DH would be hurt but more understanding. Dad will be hurt and wont understand.
This is kind of irrelevant to what you asked but why is your Dad living in that house anyway? If he can't keep up with the bills or the chores he really needs to move, especially if his health condition is going to be a permanent issue. Could you stay the three months and use that time to talk to him about finding a better solution, maybe he could also move to a one or two bed near your work and then you would be able to visit more often and he wouldn't be lonely.