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in need of advice..
I love my fianc?, we've been engaged for over a year and living together for about two years. Lately it seems like everything I'm doing is wrong.
We recently moved into a new apartment because he sold his business and basically started over again career-wise. He did pay for the majority of the move and buy all of the appliances ( I was paying some debts off so my funds were low at that time) but now I've been doing my share and trying to get whatever we need such as food, clothes, supplies, etc. I even have been putting money away to pay at least 2-3 months rent so he could save his own money but lately he seems to throw in my face that he does everything and I don't do anything for him and that he funded our move into the new apartment, it makes me feel worthless and horrible. I know he's frustrated about his career and budgeting money but im doing the best I can.
I have two jobs, go to school, maintain the house, clean his clothes, cook his dinner, buy whatever he wants or needs, take him out for dinners to un-wind, let him basically do whatever he wants but yet I don't do enough for him. I really cant seem to understand him at times and I really want to make him happy so I was wondering if there were other aspects to co-habilitating/love/being engaged/etc that I was missing. Is there more that I need to be doing and just cant seem to see or am I being lazy?
Re: in need of advice..
How old are you both?
Have you two ever sat down and discussed finances/household maintenance and your expectations of one another? Clearly he has something on his mind, he feels you are lacking somewhere. He owes you an explanation. More so, he owes it to you to hear your side.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can, so he might just be an entitled little sh!t. Or, there could be something else there, some reasonable gripe, and it's manifesting into something totally different.
I think you need more information from him...
You are not doing anything wrong except letting the dude walk all over you...he on the other hand well..is being a d*ck and needs to treat you like he actually appreciates you. Pass the message on. Leaving out the d*ck part out obviously.
Bottom line is it takes two people to be in a relationship and it takes agreements on both of your ends. He needs to learn that or no marriage. I highly recommend not marrying this dude until he gets his attitude in check. And if he never does then say goodbye. This is something you do not want to put up with.
Ditch him and do it now.
You guys should be growing closer and getting ready together for a future. That's not what is happening here.
And why did he sell his business? Why did he do that?
Don't marry him. Everything about your post is yelling loud and clear that he is a disaster.
Well he's 22 years old... he's really young and immature which is exactly why most people would advise those in their early 20s NOT to get married. The guy has a lot of growing up to do.
If you want to try to make this work, hold off on a wedding for starters, and also have a thorough conversation about this. I stress conversation because it sounds like you have an issue with poor communication as well (yelling, losing your temper???).
No matter the reasons, no matter how stressed out he might be, it's wrong to take it out you. And he needs to know it. You need to communicate how it effects you (i.e. feeling worthless - no good boyfriend/fiance/husband/MAN makes a woman feel that way). Furthermore he needs to realize that it won't be tolerated.
I see a major lack in communication skills here. I think a marriage, if you guys can get your act together, is something to consider in the distant future. It's too serious a commitment to make right now, considering these issues.
If you try to iron out these wrinkles and the kid is still acting like a prick, then dump him. Because the PPs are right - there are men out there that will treat you with respect, treat you as a partner, NOT as a punching bag. And we're happily married to those men!
Thank you for your advice it does give me a lot to think about and reflect on. I refuse to quit because I know I'm not easy to deal with at times and I do have my flaws and I know issues in relationships can be fixed when there is communication. The issue with communicating is actually doing it and properly lol. My communication skills do need work and I want to further work on this relationship, I want to know that I've tried everything and never gave up and if in case it does come to an end, ill know I put my pride to the side and actually attempted to fix the problems.
I dream of having a wonderful marriage and a relationship where problems can be dealt with properly so im going to try.
Don't marry him and move out.
Marriage won't be different.
Tis is a huge reason never to live with someone before marriage.
He shouldn't be making you feel like that -- not ever.
What about HIS communication skills? This guy is coming accross like a damn frigging tsumani.
He should not make you feel this way. I'm serious about saying goodbye to him.
Your not being lazy. He is taking his frustrations in life out on you and being abusive. I would suggest counseling to see if he will change, since I get the impression from your post that he wasn't always like this and may be going through a rough patch. If he was always like this or won't change then I would ditch him. Do you really want to feel like you aren't good enough for the rest of your life?
ETA: Counseling can also help you keep your temper and have discussions rather than yelling.
I actually think this is a perfect example of why living with someone before marriage is a good idea. What if she hadn't found out until after they were married that he doesn't view their relationship as a team effort and that he feels his financial contribution means she has to be his servant?
OP, PLEASE get out of this relationship and branch out to someone that you didn't meet in elementary school. The world is full of wonderful, interesting individuals, and I promise you that one of them is a much better match for you than this guy.
Does he actually SEE how much you contribute? Maybe he is so frustrated and overwhelmed that he cant see what is really right in front of him.
I would lay out a list of the things you contribute. I would show him the financial information from your bank account that shows that you are contributing to rent and all the other expenses. This might be enough to make him calm down and see reality.
Sometimes when we feel stressed it distorts how we perceive things....does that make sense?
You might also take an opportunity to ASK him what else he wants you to contribute while all that information is sitting there in front of him. He might still ask more of you (not saying that is necessarily right) or hopefully he understands there is more equality then he first thought.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Why is everyone's answer to every one of these questions on these message boards to "leave him" "divorce him" "move out", etc. If everyone did that, no one would ever get married, or stay married on here. I get it in many instances, but sometimes people are just going through some tough times.
This has nothing to do with living with someone before you are married. Would you rather wait until you are married to do this and then end up getting a divorce instead of calling off an engagement? Anywho.. it's more about him taking out his frustrations of losing his business on you. I have a feeling that it might have emasculated him a little bit, especially since you are paying for all of his expenses now. This, of course, is unacceptable and you need to talk to him about it, not shout at him about it. Try to get to the root of the problem with him, is it about him losing his company? See what the two of you can do to get things back on track. Is he looking for new work? Talking to a therapist would help a lot. It might help him realize that he's taking things out on you, and it will also help you communicate better with him and express how you feel without yelling. My husband and I set a precedence in our relationship from day one (three years ago) to never raise our voices to each other or curse at each other. It makes "talking" through things a heck of a lot easier than it did in our past relationships. If you do end up continuing the relationship and go see a therapist together, make that goal to respect each other and not yell or curse at each other during fights. Might help with communication issues on your part and him treating you the way he's treating you now. Hope it works out for you guys..
Sorry, but I disagree with this statement.
I think living with someone, you REALLY get to know them and everything about them. And I mean EVERYTHING. If you don't live with someone prior to marriage, then you are basically flying blind into the marriage on what kind of person they truly are. People can easily hide who they are when you are not with them on a day to day basis. Sure, you can do pre-marital counseling, but it's easy to be dishonest there too if you are not already living with the person and seeing their behavior.
OP, I won't be so quick to tell you to move out, although I would recommend it because your fiance sounds like an ungrateful douche, but if anything, you absolutely should delay the wedding. I think he's showing you loud and clear who he is and chances are, he is not going to change because a leopard doesn't change their spots. I sense the excitement you have about the wedding, but you need to think beyond that one day of being a pretty princess and focus on the actual marriage. The wedding is one day, but marriage is for a lifetime. It's easier to back out now rather than go through with the wedding and realize you made a mistake. You are still young and have plenty of time for marriage, think long and hard about this.
Think of it like this - you say you love this guy now, but you are having all of these problems now and you aren't even married. Now try to imagine how you are going to feel 10 years from now if he is still treating you like this. Not really loving that so much, are you? Think about that. And think about whether or not you will tolerate this poor treatment for the rest of your life. Can you say for sure that you would wake up next to this guy 10-20-30 years from now and still love him if he's going to treat you poorly? If the answer is no, then I would seriously rethink the relationship.