Opinions

nightmare_of_beauty · January 2014

Sorry to post and dash, I have to get to bed for work, but I've listen to this fight so many times, I'm wondering if some outside advice would help.

My niece A is BILs from a previous relationship. SIL and A's mom (S) do not get along at all! They will make peace for about 24 hours, then be back at calling each other names. It seems to be the fight is always the same thing. S says that BIL needs to spend time with A just him and A. SIL says that he tries, but he works 3rd shift and also has their two kids that he needs to spend time with and wants to spend time with everyone as a family. S says it's not about what BIL wants it's about what A needs. Now S has (again) said that BIL and SIL (and because of relationship me

I was suppose to have a sleepover with both C and A next weekend) will not get to see A again until BIL takes her to court and gets custody setup (they have child support, but never custody).

I will say that S has no other children, her BF does from a previous relationship, but I do not know the custody arrangement. For the most part, at her mom's A is an only child.

What is your opinion on how this should be handled?

eta: wording

LittleLady77 · January 2014

This post confused me so much. I really tried to follow it but all the relationships and names had me totally confused-sorry.

sgautschi · January 2014

I was able to follow it, but I have no advice. This is a very tough, and touchy, situation.

I will say, it is important for every kid to get some one-on-one attention, so I don't think her request is unreasonable. My parents used to work it out so we would get a day just with mom or just with dad every other month or so. It was nice to have all the attention, even just for a couple hours.

cinderin · January 2014

I agree. Kid need some one on one time. I think he needs to make time to do something alone with her on a regular basis (once a month?). And then the test of the time they can do things as a family.

Kids from divorced and remarried families have it rough. Especially when there are new half and step kids involved. So they need more reassurance that they are important and loved than the average kid from an intact family. JMO.

Plus - different kids have different needs (divorced parents or not). So there is that to consider. Some kids do need more attention than others. They just do.

It sounds like the mom is trying to advocate for the kid, just doing it poorly/ineffectively.

LuckyAngel07 · January 2014

Demanding someone parent in a style just because it's what they want is rather ridiculous.

My parents divorced when I was 6. I have a twin sister and a brother 3 years younger. Im sorry, but we pretty much always did everything as a family. We didnt do one-on-one outings with either of our parents. And I saw absolutely nothing wrong with that. And when my parents each remarried, pretty much all our family activities included the SP (unless for instance my mom, sister, and I did something girly).

I get that it's probably different for a child who is basically an only in one house, but has siblings in the other. My BIL has a daughter from his last marriage, and while he does go out and do things with just her occasionally, the vast majority of the time, anything they do includes my sister and their toddler.

Each household needs to be allowed to function in whatever way works for them, though (so long as no child is being neglected or hurt). I think S is ridiculous for trying to force your BIL into doing specific things in his own household setup.

nightmare_of_beauty · January 2014

Sorry @LittleLady77 I know it was confusing!

I can see both sides of this. I think if they start a once the month A and BIL do something just them, it would help. I've said this to SIL, but she disagrees and gives the impression that she feels it would being spoiling A because C doesn't get that, but actually she does. When A isn't there she has had her dad to herself for 5 years. Even now B is only 2 months old.

My ILs are crazy!

bridget0117 · January 2014

I've never said this before because DH doesn't really want all our business out in the world butttt, my H has two sons and his ex tried doing the same thing. When they had their child support meeting she said she didn't want the boys around me. The mediator person (???) said she was basically crazy because he was married and that meant I was included in the picture.

First of all, I get maybe needing one on one time but her demanding it is freaking stupid.

Second, my husband works all the time and that means he picks up the boys on his day off and if he would do one on one that would mean I never get to see my husband.

Third, the ex's only do that shit because deep down they are angry about the others new relationship.

I agree with what @luckyangel07 said. My parents divorced when I was little and they both remarried. My mom would always do stuff with us but her husband and his kids were with us all the time. The only reason I don't really like my dad is because he chose his new family over me, he would listen to what his wife and she didn't want him around my mom or I so i would only see him behind her back.

I hope she kinda backs off and let's your BIL do it his way.

nightmare_of_beauty · January 2014

I'm debating about emailing S and seeing if I can see A. I don't really know her though.

wiggyslilsis · January 2014

I would try talking to the ex about how you would love to spend time with A because she is your niece. If she says no and you need to talk to BIL then so be it but if not then you might be able to get more quality time in with A.

As for the one on one time. Some parents make it a priority to have one on one time with each of their children and some don't. It is just another part of parenting. It is up to your BIL what he wants to do about that but there isn't a right or wrong answer.

I do think he needs to get the custody stuff in order. They should at least make a parentingplan.

vitan · January 2014

I agree with lucky. it sounds to me like it's a power struggle thing more than a "spend time with your child" thing. What A needs are good role models. And if S is constantly bad mouthing her ex and his wife, then affects A more than spending time together. What S needs to do is reevaluate things and work on proper co-parenting. Along with SIL. Leave the kids out of this. You didn't say her age, A's age.

nightmare_of_beauty · January 2014

A will be 9 in April. C just turned 5 in Nov.

vitan · January 2014

perhaps there's more to the story since S claims A needs to spend time with her dad but at age 9, I rarely spent one on one time with my dad. in fact, I always preferred spending time with my friends and family. The more the merrier type of thing. Again, going back to lucky's post, the thing is about the family spending time together and having a good time. This shouldn't be about alienating one kid over another. That's where the power struggles start and that's where the true issues lie. I'm sure there's resentment from S for BIL having a new life and all that but what A needs is encouragement to love her dad and respect het stepmom. What can you do? encourage that bond. you seem very sweet so I doubt you play into the politics between S and SIL so continue that.

vitan · January 2014

perhaps there's more to the story since S claims A needs to spend time with her dad but at age 9, I rarely spent one on one time with my dad. in fact, I always preferred spending time with my friends and family. The more the merrier type of thing. Again, going back to lucky's post, the thing is about the family spending time together and having a good time. This shouldn't be about alienating one kid over another. That's where the power struggles start and that's where the true issues lie. I'm sure there's resentment from S for BIL having a new life and all that but what A needs is encouragement to love her dad and respect het stepmom. What can you do? encourage that bond. you seem very sweet so I doubt you play into the politics between S and SIL so continue that.

nightmare_of_beauty · January 2014

SIL says that A has told her that S has encouraged A to be mean to SIL and C. I have never heard A say these kind of things so I don't know if it is true or not (not saying SIL is a liar, just saying I don't know if it's true).

Part of me wonders if A wants to talk to BIL and isn't comfortable doing it with a bunch of people around. A doesn't always come out and say what she wants at least with me. She prefers for me to get to eye level with her and let her whisper it to me.

vitan · January 2014

If that's the case, then by all means A should sit and talk with her dad but at her request. At the end of the day, it should be from A to BIL and S and SIL need to stay out of it. She's 9 not 2. I truly hope they can come to an understanding. I have seen first hand how hatred/resentment between exes has ruined not only a whole family but innocent children.

cinderin · January 2014

I guess I am always going to see this from the kid's point if view.

Maybe to ex is trying to cause problems, maybe not.

Maybe the kid really doesn't need alone time with dad, maybe she does.

But it sounds like this whole thing could be solved by dad taking the kiddo to lunch just the two of them once a month. Or going for ice cream, or walking the dog at the park, or ... ?

Which seems easy enough to do once a month. And it wouldn't hurt anything.

I bet they spend more time and energy arguing about this than it would take just to do it. JMO.

Personally, I think each kid does need a little one on one time with each parent, even if it is just going grocery shopping or something. Again, jmo.

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