Vent (PR)

abt8113 · January 2014

So my best friend from high school sent me a text message last night telling me that she is pregnant with her 3rd child. It started, "Sorry I didn't get a chance to tell you this in person but....." and then another text came in a few minutes later with an ultrasound picture along with the due date. I didn't reply.

I'm pissed because 1. she chose not to see me when I came home for Christmas because she was "too busy" the day I was in town. She then later got mad at me because she told me that could have stopped by during nap times to see her. I don't know her schedule and she chose to go visit the train (which runs all Christmas season) on the day she knew I was coming in town. She also told me that she could work around my schedule because her family all lives in the same city. 2. Who sends something that you wish you could tell in person in a TEXT MESSAGE?! I think if you wanted to tell me, then you should have called me.

I feel like I am irrationally being angry about the whole thing. Am I a bitch to not respond? It was also hard because she is like fertile mirtle, and we are going through testing. I'm not faulting her on that though because she does not know about anything with us. I just get frustrated because I am always calling her (she's too busy with her children to call me), and instead of telling me in person or through a phone call, she sent me a text message.

Thanks for those that actually read this entire thing. Sorry it's so long. I just had to vent to someone, and I know y'all will call me out if I need it.

nightmare_of_beauty · January 2014

First, *hugs* I know that is so hard.

Second, I think you have every right to be upset. She had plenty of time that she could have told you.

I've had to bend over backwards for friends with kids and I get so tired of it.

brij2006 · January 2014

It is completely understandable that you are upset.

This is where I recommend to "kill them with kindness." Call her up and be super excited that she's pregnant. That you're so excited you wanted to tell her with your voice, not a text. She'll get the picture....maybe.

Or you could just send a "Congrats" text back to her.

islandmonkey8 · January 2014

((hugs)) I'd be upset as well. And definitely not respond right away. But when I did respond, I would just reply "Congrats." - no exclamation or excitement.

PandPMeant2B · January 2014

(((hugs))) some people are so consumed with their own lives, they forget how to be a good friend. Sorry your "friend" is like this. First, I would decide how important it was for me to keep the friendship going. My response to her would depend on that.

LooneyLife · January 2014

I'm sorry you're upset.

If you care to congratulate her, then respond. If you don't care to congratulate her then don't respond. Don't not respond just because you are mad at the way she delivered the news.

My sister emailed me to tell me she was pregnant with her second. I was sad for myself that she was pregnant a second time during the time we've been trying for our first. I was annoyed with her method of delivering the news. But I was happy for her. So I sent her a simple congratulations message back, dealt with my emotions, and the next time I saw her in person it was less difficult for me.

nfp147 · January 2014

LooneyLife said:

If you care to congratulate her, then respond. If you don't care to congratulate her then don't respond. Don't not respond just because you are mad at the way she delivered the news.

This is good advice.

I'm sorry. It's really hard to balance being happy for others and sad for yourself.

LuckyAngel07 · January 2014

Here's my experience.

One of my BFFs got pregnant back in June. She was trying to get us all (me and 2 other friends from college; we're all super close) on a video chat to break the news, but I guess we were having a hard time coordinating free time.

So instead, she emailed us. ::eyeroll::

I knew it was coming (based on her trying so hard to coordinate a video call, and I just knew that's what she wanted to tell us on it), and while reading that email was easier for me than hiding my pain on a video chat, it was still hard (I'd just hit a year of trying and she'd been off BCP all of 3 months). Nonetheless, I congratulated her wholeheartedly in an e-mail reply, and (rather snarkily, but in a jokey way that is very much our group's style) told her there are these things called phones and she could have just called us all individually to tell us!

It was my way of showing her I was excited with her news but that a phone call would have been so much better of a compromise than an e-mail when her video chat idea didn't come together. I just did it in a way that didn't sound nasty. And she got her congrats.

Apollo11235 · January 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. PPs gave some great advice. I think your response has to depend on how much you value the friendship and/or want to avoid drama.

sgautschi · January 2014

I'm sorry.

carcrashheart · January 2014

it's hard to tell someone with struggles that you are pregnant. it's hard to take the news. it's hard to give the news. would you have rather she threw it in your face happily and without caring about your feelings? my guess is she was afraid to tell you and afraid to see you in person because she wasn't quite ready to tell you in person. basically, she chickened out. and honestly, i think that's ok because being the person receiving the news is hard.

when we finally got pregnant with LO and had a confirming u/s i still was afraid to tell a close friend of mine. she had been going through treatments and dealing with a variety of issues. she knew we were also going through treatments, so she knew it was a possibility, but i still balked at telling her. we don't talk on the phone so i finally told her one day on FB messenger. after that, i never mentioned the pregnancy to her. i didn't complain to her, i didn't tell her how i REALLY felt when she asked how i was. at one point she had to ask me about the baby and i told her a little but didn't go on and on about it. she actually had to make me promise that i would talk to her about the pregnancy and the baby because she wanted to hear. that other peoples pregnancies don't make her sad. despite that, it was still hard. and i still try to keep in mind how much i talk about LO with her. and if she knew the latter she would smack me. i don't want her to be sad, but since i can't always help that, i don't want her to be sad on account of me.

i'm sorry you're dealing with this. i know it isn't easy. i would probably simply say congratulations and leave it at that. she's probably worrying about how you're taking it. but it's ok to not say anything at all.

also, i know it sucks to have to work around other peoples schedules that are based on their kids. it seems ridiculous. except, it's kind of how it is. it used to be that if i wanted to leave the house i planned it during LO's naps so that he would nap the entire time. then he stopped sleeping while out so i had to plan outings while he was awake. but at first he was only awake for 1.5 hours at a time, so i had a very small window of time and his naps weren't very long. that was a tough phase because it made it hard for me to get a lot done at once. then he started going 2 hours between naps. now life is easier, but there are still naps and i still have to work my own schedule around it. if i make plans i have to take his schedule and abilities in to consideration. the consequence to not is a mess. so, i know it sucks. and i know it sucks more because you're just upset over your own situation and don't want to have to deal with anyone's kids in the first place, let alone cater to nap schedules. it is what it is.

abt8113 · January 2014

I called her and left a message. I told her that I wanted to give her a proper congratulations over the phone and asked her to call me. We'll see what happens.

abt8113 · January 2014

@carcrashheart That is not it at all. She doesn't even know we are trying to get pregnant much less going through testing. One of the last times I talked about how important our friendship was, and then she told me that she was pregnant through a text. The thing with me being in town was when I talked with her two weeks before, she was all "we don't have any plans, and of course we will work our schedule to work with whatever you have going on." Then when I went to finalize plans it was "we're way too busy with xyz (that could be done at any time) and we can try to squeeze you in at nap time." What happened to we can meet at any time?

I have many friends with babies/children and have no problem working around schedules. Just don't plan things on a day that you know I am coming in town, and then text me that your pregnant a month later because I didn't see you.

LuckyAngel07 · January 2014

carcrashheart said:

it's hard to tell someone with struggles that you are pregnant. it's hard to take the news. it's hard to give the news. would you have rather she threw it in your face happily and without caring about your feelings? my guess is she was afraid to tell you and afraid to see you in person because she wasn't quite ready to tell you in person. basically, she chickened out. and honestly, i think that's ok because being the person receiving the news is hard.

CCH, she said in the OP that her friend doesn't even know they're trying/struggling, so this is not the reason she didn't tell her face to face.

omgladypirate · January 2014

Not trying to be argumentative or snarky, but I think you are being irrational. It is not someone else's responsibility to tell you they are pregnant in a way you feel is correct, Especially if they don't know about your struggles.

If you feel you are always the one calling her anyway, maybe she doesn't consider herself as close to you as you feel to her. You're obviously not BFF's if she doesn't know about your TTC issues. Not saying she has to know every detail, but aren't best friends there to talk/vent/cry to?

As for not seeing her at Christmas, I make plans with lots of people at Christmas that fall through simply because it's a busy and stressful time of year. I hate flakes but in my book, being a flake around Christmas is forgiven. I can't even imagine how busy and stressful it is when you add kids to the mix. Sorry in advance if this upsets you, but I can't agree with you on this one. Hope you are able to make peace with the situation and see things from another perspective.

FutureMrsWright2012 · January 2014

Sorry, abt... I have had similar experiences with friends who never seem to be able to fit me into their life unless I make all the effort. After many years of this, I've simply chosen to continue friendships with people who care enough to make me a priority... It sounds like it's getting to that point with this friend?

LuckyAngel07 · January 2014

omgladypirate said:

You're obviously not BFF's if she doesn't know about your TTC issues. Not saying she has to know every detail, but aren't best friends there to talk/vent/cry to?

This isn't necessarily true at all. My BFFs didn't know about our struggles. I vented/cried/talked to the ladies here who could relate; I shared some info with my sister as well. But best friends? No. As close as we all are, they simply cannot relate, and I wasn't comfortable sharing that type of information with them. Granted, I started sharing a little bit of information after passing the year mark of trying, but they didn't know anything other than that we were trying up until that point.

CincodeMayoLove · January 2014

nfp147 said:

LooneyLife said:

If you care to congratulate her, then respond. If you don't care to congratulate her then don't respond. Don't not respond just because you are mad at the way she delivered the news.

This is good advice.

I'm sorry. It's really hard to balance being happy for others and sad for yourself.

Well put. Remember, she just wants to tell you good news. It's her third so not like it was her first y'all have been there done that together so she might have thought text was appropriate. Also remember, she doesn't know your struggles and can't be sensitive, if you don't tell her.

Sorry the balancing act is such a tough one that is hard for people irl to get

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