Threesomes... do they ever work?

KeeneOnGreen · October 2013

Hi,
I was recently propositioned by one of my best friends (who is a man) to have a threesome with him and his wife (also a friend). My husband knows all about it. He's read through all our text messages. My husband seems uncomfortable with the whole thing. But has been pretty laid back about the situation. I thought I was content with our sex life, but now Im intrigued...
Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have ever had a threesome with friends? Were you able to salvage the friendship after? Also any info about "swinging" would be appreciated. Im very curious, but have no actual experience with adding more people in the bedroom.
Thanks! :-)

chibiyui · October 2013

Well, your first step should be to talk with your husband. This isn't something you want to rush into. You need to know if your husband is okay with it. If he's uncomfortable with it then you need to decide if you are okay with jeopardizing your marriage should you precede. Would he feel better if it was the two of you bringing a third in? If he is okay with you having a threesome without him, are you going to be okay with him going off and having sex with somebody not you? It's not fair to be non-monogamous and expect your partner to be monogamous.

I'd also recommend giving it some time, sometimes fantasies fade, and not all fantasy's need to be acted upon. Maybe read some Savage Love as well? Dan Savage has answered lots of threesome questions over the years. Also generally speaking real life doesn't live up to the fantasy.

Signed, someone-who-hasn't-had-a-threesome-but-has-discussed-with-partner

Kimbus22 · October 2013

Why are you considering doing something that makes your husband uncomfortable? If you're willing to risk doing something that hurts him to expand your sex life then you have bigger problems to deal with than worrying about a threesome.

doeydo · October 2013

It is most likely going to cause issues with your husband. Also, threesomes when two of the people are in a relationship usually don't go well. One person always gets jealous.

KeeneOnGreen · October 2013

Good advice. Thank you. I guess I was just curious about the whole topic of threesomes. My husband seemed more hesitant than uncomfortable. Hes pretty laid back and open. We would obviously need to talk about what we would and would not be comfortable with each other doing. I probably wouldnt do it because as you said it gets messy.
I also talked to my friend last night and he said it might be fun to just have a sleepover. Where he and his wife are in one room and my husband and I are in another, and we have sex. So we could listen to the other people. An incident like this at our cabin was kind of what sparked the whole threesome conversation in the first place. It was exciting but maybe not the best idea, because it may lead us to wanting to do more.
I swear Im not usually like this. I was raised Catholic. And up to this point my sex life has been pretty demure. I greatly enjoy sex with my husband. He really makes me feel great in bed. And hes always been willing to try new things (hes pretty kinky himself). Hes not the only man I slept with before marriage, so its not like Im wondering if another man would be better sexually. Because really hes awesome. I will admit, however, that I am mentally attracted to my friend. We have awesome conversations. But not physically. Ive seen him completely naked, and we dated before my husband and I met (I dumped him because I wasnt attracted to him after messing around with him) and trust me Im not missing anything. But there's something super exciting aboutdoing something so taboo, and getting to experience what other people do in bed.
So theres my post. Judge me if you want. But thats what Im feeling at the moment.

4Monsters · October 2013

I got involved with a co-worker and his gf last year, prior to meeting my fiance. We weren't working together at the time (different locations). We got together 3 times in total and all had a great time. I have very fond memories lol Only a week after the last one, I met my now fiance and so I ended that little thing... The guy and I have remained good friends - he's actually become one of my best friends, and we work together again. He and his gf have had a lot of issues though so I'm not sure it was necessarily a good thing for their relationship.

KeeneOnGreen · October 2013

Thanks for your response. Like hearing about others experiences. Glad you were able to stay friends. I'm very secure with my relationship with my husband, but I would hate to lose a good friend.

DawnLilly · October 2013

Having a threesome without your DH seems like a terrible idea. If you proceed with this I would encourage a foursome. That's IF you have had lengthy discussions with your DH about limits and possible effects on all the relationships involved.

Or, you could start by each remaining with your respective partners but being in the same room and then determine the comfort level moving forward. Not the same night, its important to give it digesting time and then maybe plan another night. Certain couples that engage in this also have boundaries. Such as touching or performing oral on another is okay but no penetration.

You need to discuss with your DH and the other couple what everyone is comfortable with first, not during. If you don't feel like everyone can sit down and talk about it openly then its probably not a good idea.

TarponMonoxide · October 2013

KeeneOnGreen said:

Hi, I was recently propositioned by one of my best friends (who is a man) to have a threesome with him and his wife (also a friend). My husband knows all about it. He's read through all our text messages. My husband seems uncomfortable with the whole thing. But has been pretty laid back about the situation. I thought I was content with our sex life, but now Im intrigued... Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have ever had a threesome with friends? Were you able to salvage the friendship after? Also any info about "swinging" would be appreciated. Im very curious, but have no actual experience with adding more people in the bedroom. Thanks! :-)

I do not think this is a good idea.

Exercise caution.

tiffanysbride · October 2013

TarponMonoxide said:

KeeneOnGreen said:

Hi, I was recently propositioned by one of my best friends (who is a man) to have a threesome with him and his wife (also a friend). My husband knows all about it. He's read through all our text messages. My husband seems uncomfortable with the whole thing. But has been pretty laid back about the situation. I thought I was content with our sex life, but now Im intrigued... Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have ever had a threesome with friends? Were you able to salvage the friendship after? Also any info about "swinging" would be appreciated. Im very curious, but have no actual experience with adding more people in the bedroom. Thanks! :-)

I do not think this is a good idea.

Exercise caution.

Agreed. You dated this guy and dumped him, leave it alone. If your husband did agree I would assume that his initial response is the true one, uncomfortable. He could very well resent you for opening your marriage up to this. IRL I have yet to meet a couple that this sort of setup doesn't back fire long term.

anssett · October 2013

Yes, threesomes in marriages can work. I have a bit of experience. My H was also involved though so it's quite different. It was an adventure we chose to take together. The 3rd was a mutual friend we both trusted. We are still friends with the 3rd. Everyone was very open and honest about feelings, needs, fears, etc beforehand. No one walked into it uncomfortable. No ones's SO watched it happen while feeling uncomfortable. That wouldn't have worked.

Either figure out your H's needs and get them addressed first or scrap this idea. Maybe consider a threesome with your H if that's a fantasy you want to experience...if he's into it (For real not passively).

lifeguard · October 2013

Steer clear. Just looking for trouble.

Janessadawn · October 2013

If he "seems uncomfortable," most likely he is very uncomfortable with the thought--no matter how "laid back" he's acting about it. Look at it this way: how would you feel if the tables were turned? I've never been in a threesome but I was propositioned by married friends when I was single. I even got to hear about why they became swingers ("we wanted to be together, but we kept breaking up to do other people...so we decided, let's be together and do other people!") which was more than I cared to know. Even though I wasn't in the relationship I didn't want to get in the middle (no pun intended). If both partners are agreeable, that's one thing, but it doesn't seem that this is the case here.

tamararachel2 · November 2013

I think the third person in any threesome needs to be single...just my opinion. When DH and I were dating, I was propositioned by a friend and her husband and DH flat out said no and basically wouldn't let me go over to their house anymore. You should never do something that makes your DH/SO uncomfortable. I did have a threesome with a friend and her husband when I was single. It was all in good fun but that's the kind of couple they are and they had GREAT relationship before and after our threesome.

06md · November 2013

I havent try that before ever, and I think I would feel very uncomfortable doing it even more if its with people that are close to me. I feel at a point they will start comparing themselves which is not a good thing.

For me marriage is a 2 people deal including more sometimes means there's something missing in your relationship that needs to be fulfill.

schuette2 · January 2014

A friend of mine had a threesome shortly after her divorce. She is now married to the guy she had the threesome with (his ex-wife was the other person in the...triangle). Worked out for them, obviously, but it may not be the case with you.

If you've been with this guy before and know his skill level is not up to your liking, why would you go for another round and possibly put your marriage in jeopardy? Not judging, just tossing that out there.

lifeguard · January 2014

Threesome, foursomes, orgies etc. They just an open invitation to hurt feelings, betrayal and broken relationships.

Jennycolada · January 2014

I've had many any they've worked out quite happily for me 100% of the time.

But that's because my partners have good communication and we do not use sex as a way to fix our relationship problems (the main reasons for issues post-group sex IMO).

Usuallyfine · January 2014

I've had many any they've worked out quite happily for me 100% of the time. But that's because my partners have good communication and we do not use sex as a way to fix our relationship problems (the main reasons for issues post-group sex IMO).

You are very lucky, it doesn't always work out well. Ever done it with a friend?

Jennycolada · January 2014

I wouldn't really say that I'm "lucky", as proper communication isn't about luck, it's about work and honesty.

I've had two with friends (one with me as the single woman and one with a male friend as the single guy). I've had many more with me as the single girl for a random couple though, as I tend to simply find more interest in new partners in general (even for one-on-one encounters).

anabelle24 · January 2014

It's ok to be intrigued and to want to jump in, but you're married and your H should be your priority he's the one you chose to be with ... if he were to partake in this threesome and benefit from the experience and share it with you it would be another thing entirely. But he is uncomfortable (as you said), and I would be too - switch this around and imagine your H being propositioned to by a woman and her husband... How would you feel? Would you totally be fine with it and tell him to go for it and enjoy? It's easy to consider when it's just for yourself but if you wouldn't like it being done to you, I wouldn't do it to my H either. As I said, it's Ok to be curious and if it's something you two want to explore together and do together, by involving another couple or third party - that seems (to me) more fair and also like it would do less damage in the long run.

Threesomes... do they ever work?

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