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Family drama... HELP! (Long post)
I am writing because I would mostly like to get input from others who may be or have once been in a similar situation with their family.
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A little background…
My father and I have never really been close. At the age of 13, my father was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. It is now nearly 13 years later, and he still has it. The first few years while he had cancer, he developed a very controlling behavior that is still present 13 years later. As a teenager, I was discouraged from dating, participating in after school activities, or anything else outside the home. When I was occasionally allowed to stay after school or go over to a friend’s house, I had a strict curfew of 5 pm. To this day, despite being married and moved out of their house, he still attempts to control me (and now my husband as well).
A perfect example of this would be that on New Years my husband and I started a very healthy high protein low calorie diet full of fresh veggies, fruits, dairy, and meat, accompanied by one hour of cardio and twenty minutes of strength training daily. A physician has approved the diet and exercise regimen. We have lost a total of 10 lbs each so far, and are very proud of ourselves, and are looking forward to getting healthy in the new year. When discussing it with my father a couple days ago, he continuously put it down. He told me that the best way to lose weight was to starve yourself all day while at work, only snacking on carrots and celery, and then once you arrived home you are allowed a 1,200 calorie Hungry Man microwave dinner. My father has done this diet in the past, and while he has lost a small amount of weight on it, it resulted in making him look sickly, and he ended up gaining the weight back twice as fast once he started eating regularly again. Because I did not want to anger him, I avoided mentioning that, but rather stated, “Where do you get your carbs and proteins for the day?” He said that they come from the microwave dinner. I shook my head and said, “You need your carbs earlier in the day to give you energy, and that’s why this diet is working so well for us.” He became pouty and irritable at my response.
In the past he has also gotten into arguments with my husband over whether Verizon or AT&T is better, simply because my husband had told him that we could not find any connection at our new apartment with AT&T, so we cancelled our plans, and switched to Verizon.
I have also witnessed my father treat my mother the same way. It is a regular every-day occurrence to watch him throw a fit if she doesn’t eat his 3,000 calorie dinners or deserts he makes, but then right after, he tells her she’s fat and is going to end up “like one of those old fat ladies riding around on the motorized scooters at the grocery store.” I have spoken with my mother about my father’s behavior, and she simply tells me that she has to stand by him because she loves him. She has also revealed to me that he does not like my husband because my husband was “stealing me” from him and now my husband would be the one I’d “listen to instead of him”.
As stated earlier, my mother is a bit of a push over. She pretty much allows my father to walk all over her and treat her poorly. I always had a very close relationship with my mother growing up. I idolized her, and I contribute my desire to help others to her to this day. However, when my father was diagnosed with cancer, everything changed. I’m not sure if she changed, or if I just grew up and realized the real person she was all along. I began to learn that she was not trustworthy, as I often would catch her in various lies.
My parents do not handle money well. They filed bankruptcy a few years ago, and despite the fact that they pull in over $100,000 a year, they are always borrowing money from others to make ends meet, including myself, and my grandmother who lives on her social security check. They are constantly struggling to pay their bills, yet are often going out to dinner, going gambling at a local casino, buying expensive things like a new trailer, remodeling their house, etc. I have never understood how they pull in double what my husband and I make, yet are always struggling and trying to sponge money from those who make less.
At the age of 18, I was constantly loaning my mother money, and she was failing to pay me back. I got fed up with it after loaning her approximately $500, and I finally told her no. The next day I went to work, checked my bank account, and the money she had asked me for the previous day was gone. I confronted her, and as a result, she kicked me out of the house. I arrived at their home that day after work, and she packed my stuff into boxes and threw them out on the curb. I never did get the money back, or an apology.
I went and lived with my ex boyfriend for a year, and then the relationship soured, and I ended up moving back in with my parents. It is around that time period my parents and my brother stopped talking as well.
My brother and I were never close as well. He was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 7 years old. He had attempted suicide twice. He eventually went on to get married, have an adorable daughter, and then divorced. I adored his daughter, and spent every moment I could with her. Then my parents and my brother had a falling out. He blamed everyone except himself for the fact that he lost custody of his daughter, and refused to speak to any of us for over 8 years.
Now, this past two years or so, my brother has been coming back around. He has yet to apologize to anyone, and I secretly believe he is only coming back around because he knows my mother won a lawsuit and is thinking she will give him money. My parents are constantly hanging out with him and his new family, and it becomes disheartening when I invite them to do something, and they turn me down, but then two hours later I see they checked-in on Facebook with my brother and his family somewhere. They hang out with them at least once a week, whereas they are constantly trying to get out of seeing me and my husband.
Additionally, I can’t help but feel whatever I do is never good enough. I graduated college in 2011, the only child of theirs to do so, and my parents insisted that we celebrate by going to McDonalds, because they didn’t feel like going somewhere nice. I cried the entire night of my graduation because of the lack of excitement my own parents had, and my wonderful husband (then-boyfriend) ended up taking me out instead. When my husband asked my father for his blessing to marry me- you would think that would be an exciting time, right? My father spent the next hour lecturing him about me, about how I need to learn to do laundry more often, and how I need to learn to “obey” him more, etc. My husband walked away from the conversation entirely confused. When we announced our engagement, my parents shrugged and said, “Cool.” And that was the first and last we heard from them about it. Because my family didn’t care about the engagement, we figured they wouldn’t care about the wedding either, and ran off and eloped. It was the most amazing time of my life, and wouldn’t have chosen to do it any other way. However, I really expected for them to be excited for us, but they weren’t. In fact, they were the only people in our families that didn’t even send a congratulations card or gift. Then I broke the news to my mother today about the fact that my husband and I are thinking about adopting a child within the next few years, something I thought would make her screech with joy, but she just shrugged her shoulders and started talking about my brother.
I don’t know what to do. Has anyone ever felt this way about their parents? I believe strongly in honoring thy parents, but am really struggling to see any reason to continue putting forth the effort. Help!
Re: Family drama... HELP! (Long post)
They are also pretentious and silly and mooches -- and do the same for your brother.
These 3 are nutty. And toxic.
There is possibly illegal activity. To me where there is gambling there is trouble, particularly when debt and wild spending is present along with the gambling.
And you and your H are full grown adults.
You're the captain of your own ship and you are over 18 years of age --- for your sakes, see a counselor; you need to break free of the toxic mess and break free of being under their thumbs.
If you don't, you'll have these 2 on your backs and under your skin and eating your hearts out daily. Not a healthy way to live.
Cut them off --- and these aren't just moochers; they have mental problems.
Wishing you luck. This entire "family dynamic" is a horrific mess.
CUT THEM ALL OFF and don't regret it or look back. GL.
I highly recommend seeing a counselor and also picking up the book Toxic Parents as well as Toxic In-Laws. Both books will help give you and your H the tools you need in getting through this together.
Sorry for your troubles....
If you let them continue to have their way with you, you'll not only have more anger and resentment of them on your plate you'll also get drained dry emotionally.
They probably favor your brother because he is the weakest link --- he hasn't stood up to them and he goes along with everything they want. They can have him.
And generally if you lose custody of a child something horrffic was afoot.
YOur parents and your brother have the possibility of putting a rift berween you and your husband.
Cut all 3 of them off. You don't have to say you're doing it. If you can move to another location, do it --- leave your parents and brother no forwarding address.
Block them from FB and any other social media site you and your H use.
Why do you so desperately seek the approval of people who have lied to you, stolen from you, thrown you out on the street for standing up for yourself, and who constantly condescend to you?
Listen, I can relate to a lot of it. My family belongs in the funny farm. And my parents are REAL prizes. My mother threw me out on the street when I was 18 years old and had nowhere else to go simply because we had an argument, and I refused to agree with her. (She was trying to tell me that I had remembered a part of my childhood wrong and in actuality XYZ happened. Which even my brother (the king of all momma's boys) said NO WAY ever happened.
I never cut my parents off. I still maintain a relationship with them, but on my own terms. If you truly don't feel like you can cut them off, you need to change the way you relate to them as well as your expectations.
When they start to condescend to you, or be disrespectful, say, "You're being disrespectful. That is not ok with me. I'm leaving." AND LEAVE.
If they ask you for money, say, "Mom/Dad, DH and I have a budget in place, and we need to effectively manage our money. I'm so sorry that you're in a financial rut. May I suggest you get a financial planner?" And drop it.
If they EVER steal from you, in ANY way again, say, "Mom/Dad, this is stealing. If you do not return my property NOW, I will be calling the police." I'm sure at that point, they'd kick you out. Fine. Call the police from the sidewalk.
Create boundaries. Enforce those boundaries. Show them that you can and WILL do what is necessary to protect yourself physically, financially, and emotionally.
And alter your expectations. You know that there is a LONG history with these people of mistreating you. It's not going to change. They are not going to change. The only thing you can do is establish, and enforce, boundaries. So learn to expect that things will go sour with your parents. When they don't, you can be pleasantly surprised. But stop expecting them to be happy for you, proud of you, and respectful towards you. You're setting yourself up for disappointment.