Relationships
loraecook
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
not sure why he keeps reaching out
About 3 years ago I met someone on a dating site. We dated about 3 months and things were fabulous, he had me meet his friends, we had so much fun and the relationship I felt was really going somewhere. Out of the blue he ended things. He said it was because he had kidney stones and he felt really uncomfortable about it (talking about personal body issues with me b/c the relationship was so new) and he was going through a weird time. Obviously I didn't believe it and assumed there was something else (another woman? maybe his friends didn't like me?). I never pursued to get a bigger why, because if he wasn't interested in continuing the relationship I had to be OK with that and was content without knowing the exact reason, it didn't seem worth it to me to drag something out. I was really hurt but I moved on and we never spoke again.
Fast forward to now, 3 years later. He friended me on Facebook and he seemed very interested in what I had been up to (it was obvious he was trying to figure out if I was dating someone without actually asking). After some casual chit chat, I asked him "Why now? You're the last person I ever expected to hear from." He never answered exactly "why now" but he did say "We ended during a weird time for me and I always wished we hadn't." He is the one who asked about getting together to catch up. I agreed. I'm not sure if it's because I'm curious and still want to know the why, or maybe I want to give us another chance? I'm not sure I'll know until we actually meet in person. Well, he picked a date to get together and then cancelled the day of. He then picked another date the following week, and once again cancelled the day of.
What would you all do? Part of me still wants to get together with him because I still want the WHY question answered. I want to ask him in person to see his facial reaction because I know if I ask him over FB I won't get an honest answer. But, the other part of me has lost interest very quickly because I feel like he is stringing me along, just like he did 3 years ago, this is going based on his terms. I don't understand why he keeps scheduling/cancelling. We haven't even seen each other in 3 years, so it's not like he's getting anything out of this. He does seem genuine and maybe things honestly have come up, but I'm not interested in playing games. I'd be OK with not getting together with him and continuing on happily with my life as though he never randomly reached out after all this time.
One friend is telling me he's lost his chance with me, if he really wanted to get together he'd make the time. But another friend is saying that he deserves a second chance and he must really want another chance b/c he's reached out after all this time. (I can't help but think he's only reaching out b/c maybe he is on a rebound or something).
What do you all think? Be done and not even meet up? Or maybe just meet up once to catch up / see what he has to say, and then don't pursue anything further with him.
Re: not sure why he keeps reaching out
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
I have no idea why your friend feels he "deserves" another chance. What does that even mean? He's strung you along before and now he's doing that again. what's "deserving" about that? Remind yourself - YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING.
I'm glad my response didn't come off as too harsh! I just know what it's like to be in that position, and how much some guys seem to LOVE messing with people. I think many guys do tot just to see if you would still be interested. He got his answer, so now he gets an ego boost and moves on. Someone has been doing this to my sister for years, and I see how destructive it is and how much he must enjoy having all that power. So I wouldn't wish that on anyone else! I hope you close the door on him, and think about how a genuinely wonderful guy would treat you. We all deserve that!
Tell him politely Not Interested.
And defriend him and never speak to him again. He is not for you.
Your guy probably just ended up meeting another girl and dated her for a while, and he left you with a medical excuse because he was too much of a coward to be honest with you. Because truly, even if it had been that and he was embarrassed by it, it doesnt take 3 years to cure kidney stones and he still could've kept in touch throughout the process. It just seems to me like he moved on and now he's checking back because he's bored.
Who cares why he did it or why he's still doing it (excuses, cancelling, rescheduling)? Is this the type of behaviour you want in a relationship? I wouldn't even reply to any of his next messages and I would delete him from FB.