Am I a giant asshole?

Alissajane · February 2014

So my brother is having a destination wedding in Hawaii on Valentines day. We recently relocated to a new state, are down to one income and with a new construction house and have a bunch of expenses, some we anticipated, some we did not. They asked me to be in the wedding back in june and out of excitement for them said yes if I can go. After looking into it all and relaizing how expensive for the 2 of us would be [between 4-5k] it was just out of the picture so I called them and told them Its not looking like a possibility unless by some far chance there is a screaming deal. either way I dont exactly have the best relationship with my brother or mother. They are very controlling and narcissistic. Now that it is so close they are doing everything possible to guilt me into going, down to several harassing phone calls, I even got emails of how he is going to sue me for the money he spent going to me wedding in our home town. I housed, fed, and gave him transportation and stored his belonging for 4 years while he came back home. I am so stressed out about this decision, It would put us in a horrible position if I spent money I don't have, and they think I should just pay the $1200 to fly myself there and stay with my controlling mom. I would not be able to afford to eat, or see anything. and honestly being with my mom would probably send me off a cliff where i might be able to swim with dolphins. Several of my family members are shaming me for missing my brothers big day, and some support me. I am so hurt and lost and upset about this. Any thoughts or advice? I am angry because THEY CHOSE to have this wedding and I just think if you are going to have a destination wedding you have to be 100% OK with only your finance there if that happens....

Leftie22 · February 2014

Why the heck would you want to attend the wedding of someone who just threatened to sue you?? You definitely don't sound like the asshole in this scenario! I hate destination weddings, and the implication that everyone should be willing and able to drop thousands and use their vacation time to attend a wedding. Some people simply can't afford that, and that's where the discussion should end. I would stick to your decision, and tell them that you just can't afford it, then send a nice gift. If they really wanted you there so badly, they could have gotten married in town, or offered to pay for your flight! Your brother threatening to sue you is just ridiculous, and he's just hurting his own case. Save your money to put towards your own life goals. Sorry your family is being so crazy about this!

Disneygeek77 · February 2014

When did you tell them you won't be able to make it ? If it was recently, I can kinda see their point as it is so close to the wedding now, but then again they didn't give you much time to save for it either. However, that being said, I still don't think you should go. I certainly wouldn't. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Honestly, it sounds like these people are used to getting whatever they want through temper tantrums, throwing fits, manipulations and guilt trips. It works so they will continue to do it. They will keep pushing and pushing and pushing. Just keep saying no and have confidence in knowing there isn't more you can do. Any reasonable person that has a destination wedding knows that they risk not having many people come. Yes even close family members and especially since they only gave you 7-8 months notice. You didn't do anything wrong here so please ignore them.

Oh and I'd love to see your brother sue you. He is a nutter isn't he ?

Disneygeek77 · February 2014

Ok, I can see you posted this before so you probably did tell them you couldn't make it a while ago.

Look, you aren't doing anything wrong. Your mom and brother are just bad, mean, self absorbed bullies. That fact that you can't recognize that and think there is a chance you might be the a-hole in the nonsense tells me they have done a number on you.

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I think it might do you some good to talk to a counselor about your family. A counselor would give you tools on how to handle them and also help you make the decision to possibly cut them out if they become too toxic. I have gone to counseling before and I honestly think it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made and would recommend it to everyone.

VOR · February 2014

if they are narcissistic, it will always be about them. So... don't worry about their reaction. Do what works best for you.

Alissajane · February 2014

I let them know I couldn't make it happen almost 5 months ago but all they heard was the possibility of showing me "how cheap it is" which it isn't... thanks for the support I am really beating myself up about it and its really killing the excitement of a new home/ fresh start. I really hate that if I even buy anything for the house, even my lawn mower I got a great deal on I have to keep it quiet because heaven forbid I spend a dime when I could be using it for there wedding..

Mrs.Rad888 · February 2014

You know what? Even if you had a million dollars laying around, you still aren't obligated to spend a single penny for anyone's wedding. Add in the bullshit about him threatening to sue you, and you have even less of an obligation to do anything for this asshole. If anything, you should send him a bill for when he stayed with you, as well as a bill for the 4 years of storage.

Next time someone in the family calls to bully you about going to this wedding, say this: "I've made my decision known. If you continue to harass me about it, I'll have to end this call. I'm happy to talk to you about other subjects." Then if they continue to harass you, hang up. Do that enough times (and it may take a while before they take you seriously) and they'll get it. But, don't issue the ultimatum unless you are ready to follow through with it, because if you start doing it, but give in later and try to explain yourself, the bullies will just figure that all they have to do is keep harping at you until you give in.

You do not have to listen to people give you shit. Tell them you are hanging up, then hang up. Done!

VOR · February 2014

Mrs.Rad888 said:

You know what? Even if you had a million dollars laying around, you still aren't obligated to spend a single penny for anyone's wedding.

Really, this. It's YOUR money to spend how YOU want. Doesn't matter how little or how much you have.

I find DW's incredibly selfish when the B&G get MAD when people can't come. Have a DW, go for it. But if you're reaction is going to be to be MAD at people when they opt not to come, that's the selfish part. Sad, yes. Mad, no.

And clearly (IMO) this includes CLOSE family too. If it's THAT important that certain people be there, then either pay for them OR plan a wedding that people can afford to come to.

Life&Gwen · February 2014

Don't open or answer their texts, if its important they'll call. And if they continue to call, as soon as the talk turns to wedding stuff, suddenly remember you have a pot on the stove or something. They know you're not coming. Offer something you can afford, maybe take them out to lunch after the wedding so your brother and new SIL can share their pictures with you then. Then you will have made a good offer and goodwill gesture, and they'll just have to accept it graciously. Anything beyond that, they bring on themselves and its nothing to do with you.

TarponMonoxide · February 2014

Harassing phone calls?

Yikes. Even if he's being a pain about it, out of line!

Tell him once and for all, "The wedding sounds great and even though you and I haven't exactly been on great terms, I'd have been in the wedding if I could have and we would have very gladly spend the time to come out. We simply can't afford it; it is out of our financial scope. We are very sorry" and leave it at that.

If he still presses you or pursues it or gets nasty? You might want to think about getting an attorney to send him some sort of cease and desist notice. He's way out of line by more or less harassing you.

I agree: get a counselor -- I have a nutty family too and I am disconnecting from a sibling. it isn't easy, even if the family member is the biggest pain in the ass in the universe.

Wishing you luck.

SparkySharky · February 2014

If there's nothing more to talk about, then just cease communications until after the wedding. Send a gift with your best well wishes and hope he calms down after the big day. He sounds generally irrational, but there's still a chance he'll get some perspective with hindsight.

Btw - LOL at suing you.

Am I a giant asshole?

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