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Need advice for situation with my divorced father
My parents got divorced last year (which I am still getting over). Once my parents separated, my father moved in with his parents. I got married recently to my man of 6 years. Not only are we newlyweds, but we are young newlyweds.
My father/grandparents live 4-5 hours away from us, so my Dad likes to come into town about 1x/month to see me and my husband, along with his friends/do errands/"look for jobs" (this is the area where he lived pre-divorce). He doesn't have a job, so he can't afford to stay in a hotel. Pre-wedding, he stayed with me twice in one month (despite my hesitancy as a result of wanting to set boundaries). He told me that once we got married he would leave us alone, but I knew that he was just saying this to get his way at the time. He has friends and other family members (his own sister) to stay with, but he just doesn't want to ask them.
Here's my struggle. Every time HE decides HE wants to come in town, he starts to suggest that since he's "coming to see me", I OWE it to him to let him stay with my husband and I (we live in small 1-br with only an extra couch in the living room). He's constantly guilting me and telling me this is what family does for family. The problem is that it works, and I feel absolutely horrible. The thing is, I'm not opposed to him staying with us a night or two every so often, but as made clear so far, it's not "every so often" it's OFTEN and at his decision.
My husband and I are young, and with our work schedules we don't get a lot of time together. We want our independence from our parents, and we don't feel that we "owe" my father housing.
I don't feel it's justified for him to guilt me into letting him stay when he wants to stay. He just has certain ways of making me feel horrible, and honestly because he doesn't give me a choice, I don't ever WANT to invite him to stay with us, which is what normal people do. I feel his crossing my boundaries and using his "poor pitiful me" attitude to guilt us into it.
Re: Need advice for situation with my divorced father
Time for you to get your way: "Sorry but we can't accommodate you. It is not possible" and if he shows up at your door, say the same thing.
You're not a hotel or a place for him to crash until whenever. He is also rude and he's also taking advantage of you. Stand up for your rights, take back your home and tell him no.
He can give you all the excuses and hard time he wants, but you need to stick to 'no, that doesn't work for us./we are busy/out of town/etc'....do not give any further explanation because that will just leave room for him to keep arguing with you and poking holes into your explanation to get his way. And once you say no, if he still gives you a hard time, then that's when you say goodbye, I'm hanging up now.
He calls and leaves messages repeatedly? Don't pick up and don't call back. He gets away with this because you allow him to. He knows that the more he pushes, eventually he will get his way, so stop letting him get his way.
I'm going to focus on a couple statements:
he called me and left voicemails until I called him back.
Don't call him back. Seriously. You KNOW how this is going to go. IGNORE. This is called setting a boundary. And if he does happen to get you on the phone, AS SOON as he brings up staying with you, you say "I've already told you I can't. If you bring it up again, then I'm hanging up". And then DO IT. Hang up!
and then told me "he has NO other option" unless I just don't want to see him for awhile
Easy. You say "I understand that.". Period. You know you'll see him eventually. You know you can go a few months w/o seeing him. So - why let this get to you? WHy feel guilty?
So then he comes to hang out and makes comments about how stupid it is that he can't just stay with us since we're "hanging out anyway".
So? What does this even mean? How does this trap you? You say "Uh huh. Can you pass the chips, please?".
Here's what you need to understand - YOU DON'T OWE HIM EXPLANATIONS! You don't have to defend yourself. You really don't even have to respond!
He's a manipulator. And good at it. You think you "have" to give in. AND he knows how hard/how long to push. He knows you'll cave if he calls X number of times, or says/threatens X, or... whatever. He KNOWS what to do to get his way.
Boundaries aren't about getting him to listen to you. They are about you sticking to what YOU say. Boundaries don't do a lick of good if YOU cave.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553381407?cache=1cf03f7d329c6a1447d2dd25f1d6b2a3&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70#ref=mp_s_a_1_5&qid=1391884187&sr=8-5
All of this. Saying "no" sometimes doesn't make a person selfish. You have priorities in your life that you have to focus on, and your dad popping in all the time doesn't always let you do that.
If you want to talk selfish - that's very much your DAD. He's manipulating you so that he gets what HE wants. He doesn't care how it affects you. He ONLY cares how it affects him. He doesn't respect you.
The fact that you're upset by this and feel guilty - that shows you aren't selfish. You WANT to help when you can, you just can't always do that.
Is it an inconvenience? Manipulation? Too frequent? A crappy situation?
Yes.
But not just for you.
Look Dad, things are still very raw and it is too painful for me to feel as though I'm being put in the middle. I love both you and mom very much and although I know it hurts and you need to vent, I can't be your sounding board on this- for either of you. It's just too painful for me. How is Grandma? Her gout acting up nicely?
Next- go ahead and manipulate HIM. I'd not want to tell my dD he couldn't stay with me- but I'd certainly go so far as to make him want to make the choice not to stay with me himself. How can you do that?
He stays on your couch. Good! While there you and your husband stay up late on the couch watching movies he hates or Teen Mom. Order in pizza and ask him to pay for it because you guys are newlyweds and really strapped for cash.
Be noisy in the early morning- SMOOTHIE TIME!!! You guys suddenly have a new appreciation for the 6am smoothie and loud news routine. Sit on the couch until it is very, VERY obviously inconveniencing him as he wants to go to bed. He mentions that maybe you guys should go to bed or hang out in your room? Be oblivious- oh, we're not ready for bed yet- we rented Titanic!!! Be sure to wake him so he doesn't miss the good parts.
He's coming over for a few nights? Fantastic! He can help you guys cat- sit your friend's ugly, mean, in continent cat! Or better- parakeets!
You're cooking dinner- oh great, let's go shopping for groceries- we're a little right and could really use your help Dad! Then burn the crap out of it. Or undercook it. Either way- make sure it sucks just enough to not be obvious.
Now is also the time to hang your unmentionables to air dry throughout the living room.
While he's there go on a raw food vegan kick. Discover religion on a whole new level. Soapbox constantly about opposite political beliefs.
There must be a reason he won't opt to stay with his sister- she probably gets in his case about his life, making it uncomfortable and this he'd rather stay on his daughter's couch than there.
She's a clever woman.
Try our plan B ; )
Better off just standing up to him and saying 'no, that doesn't work for us.' No explanation needed. Let him find somewhere else to stay when he visits.