Family Matters
Steppin
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL & her on again off again BF
Hello this is my first time posting here, I've thought about it several times but backed out. I'm at a loss of what to do this time with my MIL. Sorry this is a little long, but here is some back story for understanding.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have our first child on the way. My MIL has been married and divorced at least 3 times that we know of, my husband was away for 10 years in the military and believes there may have been others that he never met. She has never really been alone for more than a month or so at a time and then gets into another serious relationship. For example, she was married when my husband and I got engaged, got a divorce a few months later, and three months later she was serious with this new guy. At first we all liked this guy he seemed great for MIL got her to quit smoking, made her happy, ect.. So when they got engaged 3 years later we were happy for mom. But then about a month before the date they had set he left her. She found out that he had been cheating on her, and also found out that he owed hundreds of thousands of dollars to the IRS and other debts. We supported/comforted her through the break-up and hoped that she would stay single for a while and find out what she really wants/needs in a relationship to be happy. A few months later she took him back, and they were on again off again for the next year. Always the same story when she took him back "we communicate more now about everything, and he's working on paying his debts." and the same story when he left "to tell you the truth I'm relieved he left, just wish he would have paid some bills before he left."
SIL has a 4 year old that has grown up with this man as a Papaw figure in his life. After the first break-up she refused to let her son be around him anytime they got back together. Because he was attached asking "Where's Papaw?" after they break up again. Husband & I agree that a child does not need to go through this, they don't understand. Because SIL stood strong in not allowing her son around him it put even more distance b/w her and her mother, and hurt feelings. I feel as strongly as SIL especially now that we have one on the way, and H feels that way too, but loves his mom and just wants to see her happy so he caves and try's to accept this man each time they get back together. I don't want this to cause any problems in our relationship so against my better judgement I support my Husband and try to support his mom's decision. MIL is very manipulative of my Husband and takes advantage of his kindness, almost like she guilt trips him into accepting this man, due to the way SIL shuts them out "At least my son loves me".
So in August his mom sends us and SIL an email saying that her and this man are back on again and that they plan to get married sooner rather than later. She told us that she was not asking for our permission, but rather our acceptance. She then posted their engagement on Facebook, and set the date for Sept. 20. We did not hear anything else about it, so assumed they went to the JP to get married, her Facebook status changed to married and her name changed. We live 3 hours away and only get home once every other month and all of our parents live in the same general area so we don't get much time with each set. The next time we visited was a month after their wedding, and he was away on business, thankfully because I was not ready to put on my supportive face yet.
This year for Christmas our budget is very limited, with a baby on the way. We always try to spend the same on our parents, if not get them the same thing. After weeks of trying to think of something in our budget that we could get for all 3 sets I finally settled on personalized frames with a sonogram picture inside. The frames had a quote about family at the top and then at the bottom we personalized each one to say "I love my Nana & Papaw" or what each grandparent will be called. For MIL I had hers say "I love my Meme & Jim" Since I don't believe this man has earned the right to have a grandfather name, our child already has 2 awesome grandpa's, and he in no way is even in the same playing field as them. I didn't even want to include him on the frame, but since they are married now and I'm trying to be supportive I did. The frames arrived a few days later and I wrapped them, Christmas shopping complete before Thanksgiving. When we got to his moms Thanksgiving night she told us that he had left her, broke again. She went on to explain that they had never really gotten married, because the day before the wedding date he filed for bankruptcy and it would not have been in her best interest to marry him at that time. She said they had already announced the date on Facebook, what were they supposed to do, it's no ones business why the didn't get married, and they still wanted to be together,it was just more convenient to changed her name on Facebook and accepted the "Congratulations".
I said all that to say this, now I have this personalized gift that I cannot return or get my money back on. I purchased this because I thought they were married, but they lied to us as well because it was "convenient" to just act as if they did get married. So my question is what do I do with this gift? Do I just "forget" what I got them or that they had broken up and give it to her anyway, let her accept the consequences for lying to us about her relationship? Do I replace the frame with a cheap non-personalized one from the $1 store and just eat the cost of the other one? There is always the chance that between now and Christmas they will be back together, that's usually the pattern. But I am now more than ever feeling stronger about not having my children go through this on again off again relationship. If I give her the personalized frame it looks as if we accept this man as a part of our child's life when he is around and that is not how I feel.
I haven't brought this up with my husband yet. He is very forgetful, so I'm sure the thought of what we got her hasn't even crossed his mind. I don't want him to give in to his mom and say we give her the frame assuming they are back together. He feels the same way I do, but has a hard time standing up to his mom; he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with his mom, he sees the hurt his sister has caused her and he doesn't want to do that to his mom. I'm looking for advice on how to handle this situation. How do I not let this affect my relationship with my husband? And how do I protect my child from a future of dealing with this?
Thanks in advance for your advice.
Best Answer
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Disneygeek77 member
I would
1. get another frame.
2. Follow your husband's lead for now, but call this man Jim and do what you can to keep a safe distance from him.
However, like your SIL, you might have to choose between upsetting your child and upsetting your MIL. I pray you make the right yet difficult decision.
Re: MIL & her on again off again BF
O.k.... your baby isn't even born yet. By the time your child is really cognizant of the people in his/her life, who KNOWS if this guy will still be in the picture or not. Honestly, outside of having a frame you can't use, your MILs relationship w/ this guy really has NO impact on you. Stop making this a battle right now.
Now, that being said - IF in 3 years or more, this guy is still around, what do you really think his role is going to be in your childs life? You live 3 hours away from them. You're not going to see them all that often. I really doubt he's going to be a "grandfather" to your child.
IF your MIL tries to push that, well then, you all need to have a talk w/ her about it.
But your child... this guy is "with" your child's grandmother. Again, it's going to even be a few more years before your kid really starts to "get" the concept of grandparents, etc. And you and your DH will have a LOT of control in this realm.
Your assigning a heavy role here based on the IDEA of "who" grandparents are in YOUR mind. Your child will only know what these "roles" are based on YOU.
My parents are VERY VERY involved in DSs life. My ILs aren't. But he loves them, he's excited to see them. He's closer to my parents and wants to see them more readily, but it's not on his radar that "they are all my GRANDPARENTS - why don't I see them all the same?". And if there is ever a day that this comes up (which I doubt it will because DH and I don't make it an issue) - then we'll just explain why he doesn't see them as much. It is easy - they live further away. But the point being - he's going to have expectations of these people based on what WE put out in front of him.
Don't make a big deal about this guy. If MIL tries to, deal with that. But if this guy keeps coming in and out of her life for the next 20 years - teach your child that relationships are different and while you and DH have been with each other constantly for 20 years, for some people - like MIL - it just hasn't worked out that way.
I feel like you're borrowing trouble here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Go to the $1 store & get a new frame. In regards to the relationship, just tell her going forward you support her desire to date & be with someone but as you child gets older, I would say 18 months and on up, you would prefer that she doesn't bring new guys around your child until she has been with that person for say at least 4 months (you & DH make up a time frame) because kids can get attached to people quickly and you want to minimize the hurt your child may get if your mom & that gentleman break up. This way you aren't telling her she can't see her grandchild but you are protecting your child too.