Relationships
PancakeandZoe
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
communication is poor, please help.
Eric and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. We just bought a condo together last April and have been talking a lot about marriage in the last six months. Last month, we got a bill in the mail from our electric provider with a turn off notice written on front. Even though it was addressed to Eric (he pays that bill), I opened it because of the turn off notice. He hadn't paid the bill for months and it had racked up. I paid it and talked to him that night about how I felt it wasn't right to hide a bill he couldn't pay from me, and that we're supposed to work as a team. He makes less money than I do and I know that with the holidays he was stressed and money was tight.
I've been thinking since then about how if he's willing to hide something like that from me, he might be willing to hide more. This led me to snooping, which I know many of you commenters won't agree with. However, I can't seem to regret the snooping because I found sporadic Facebook messages sent from last March to November between Eric and an ex-gf of his. It seemed they met for coffee a few times. In the messages, they talked about music, Eric talked a little about me and told his ex that we were buying a place and we were happy. The messages were all fairly harmless, except for one where she sent him a picture of her in a black dress and he told her she "looked great," and "very professional." He also told her she was "in control" and that nothing had changed in the context of an interview or a new job she was starting. This same ex had contacted Eric numerous times very early in our relationship (first year), with inappropriate pictures, to which he responded inappropriately. If they've been in contact at all in the 5 year in between then and this past March, I wasn't aware of it.
When I found the FB messages, I told Eric we needed to talk. We talked and I asked him to leave. He left and hasn't been home in two nights, although we've exchanged a few texts. I'm not sure where he's staying but I assume it's with a friend. When we talked, he said thing like, he didn't think it was a big deal and that he's "allowed" to have coffee. I told him I thought he must have thought about how it might hurt me if I ever found out, which is why he kept it a secret. The problem remains that he did it anyway.
We're meeting tonight after the gym to talk, someplace neutral. He seemed so unemotional when I approached him the other night. He seemed cold and unaffected. I think he's afraid to talk to me because I cut him off, or make him feel bad about himself. I think that must be why he's gone elsewhere for some sort of validation.
I'm not sure what to do, or say tonight. I don't want to lose him. I love him very much. But I also don't deserve to be kept in the dark. I want someone who wants to communicate openly. Please help.
Meg
Re: communication is poor, please help.
I'd seriously rethink this whole thing for the bill alone. You do not want to marry someone who hides thing.
And there is nothing wrong with a healthy amount of snooping. He shouldn't have anything to hide anyway.
If you and he were a couple who decided jointly that you and he were mutually exclusive, she had no business being in the picture and he had even less business than that entertaining her company.
Going for coffee with somebody who you used to date is no big deal in itself. Inappropriate contact is.
I am meh about the electric bill --- I don't know what that could mean. Maybe he is bad at handling money, maybe he didn't know how to go about telling you it was not paid? I don't know.
You and he could use some money counseling. Your money plus his is now an OUR money thing...and who makes *more* and who makes *less* does not *count* --- it's one joint sum and from that amount you and he pay the bills, make purchases, etc.
Ask yourself the following:
- when he has an issue or messes up, do you scold him? guilt trip him? make him feel less of himself? this may be disguised as what you consider to be helpful criticism or holding him to his responsibilities, but perhaps he's taking it differently. Bottom line -- think about how what you say and do looks from his side. It might feel like babying at first, but to him, it might feel like you're finally supporting him. Let him know that he still has the responsibility (aka you wont do things FOR him, but you WILL help him through it by tackling the task together this time around). Over time, you'll find a happy medium.
A quick example: my husband failed to follow through on something and didn't tell me about it. when I found out, he explained that he was worried I'd be upset if he told me. I reassured him that I'd rather know the entirety of the situation and be able to help... then to find out after the fact and be sad/upset/dissapointed. we're a team, and if he's sinking - i want to help!
I'm thinking that is what happened with the bill. He felt like he was letting you down by being unable to pay it, and instead of coming to you for help, he tried (and apparently failed) to figure it out on his own. To make this situation better, explain that you're sad that it happened and that he felt like he couldn't come to you with the issue, and that in the future, you would like an opportunity to help before it becomes a problem.
The ex situation is trickier - mostly because you snooped to find the information. You can't trust him, however your actions jeopardize his trust in you. So you're both probably at a point where neither trusts the other.... not a good place to be. It might help to apologize and show that you understand this situation where you both probably don't trust each other --- and ask for his help in figuring out a plan so that you both CAN trust each other again. (this invites his input into the situation). Through more conversation, you'll soon find out if he's apologetic and willing to work to stay with you, or if he's apathetic, and written this relationship off already.
Throughout this whole endeavor, remember that you deserve someone you can trust, and easily talk to. Life will throw all sorts of things at you over the next several decades... trust and communication are the only way to get through many of them. Good luck!
~*~ Charmed By Wine Homepage! ~*~
~*~ Charmed By Wine Etsy Shop! ~*~