Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Struggling--Grief, Neglect and MIL
I'm struggling with a lot of internal feelings right now. DH and I have been married almost 6 months. About a month ago, his father unexpedtedly passed away. DH and my FIL were close and because it was so sudden he took it very hard. I love my FIL and was considerably shaken as well, but I tried being there the week of and taking off work, helping with arragements as well. As my parents and grandparents are still alive, this was the first death that truly impacted me although understandably not to the extent of my DH.
Now a month later we are trying to get back in the routine of our lives, work etc. I know my DH is doing what he needs to do, but I can't help but feel a little neglected from him. The first 2 weeks after I was constantly walking on eggshells around his mood swings and trying to cater to his every need to make him feel better. As time has progressed he has begun wanting to be around my MIL all the time. He will go over her house and eat dinner with her every night so she isn't alone and stay over there all night, and when he is home he is either on the phone with her or talking about her. He made a big deal about buying her gifts for v-day, but then in the same conversation asked if it was ok if we didn't do anything....it's not about the gift, it just the principle I feel he is putting more into their relationship then ours. On top of that, she has been pressuring us to buy her house as it is too big for her and she wants to build a smaller house on their empty lot next door....Now I adore my MIL, but I don't know if I necessarily want to live next to her forever.
Yes I know I sound like a terrible person...I am struggling so much with the fact that I am being selfish, I just feel neglected. On top of being so newly married, this is putting a big strain on our marriage. Does anyone have any advice on how to be a better spouse for my husband and be there for him more right now? I know his heart is in the right place in wanting to help be there for his mom, but I am his family too.
Re: Struggling--Grief, Neglect and MIL
We do have plans to sit down and talk with our Paster but he is away on a missions trip and we won't be able to see him for a couple weeks.
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, my heart goes out to you.
She can very well sell her home and live elsewhere --- I don't know why she is pressuring the 2 of you to do something you very may not want to do at all, or cannot do because you just got married and you cannot afford a major purchase of any kind at all right now.
I don't know if your H was always like this -- spending too much time with his mother -- and if that was the case, you should have decided whether or not you could live with the fact that you'd be a fifth wheel for the duration of your marriage.
He can't be spending that much time with her. I can see going over there to help clear out some of his father's things or doing something estate-related. But all this time? Nope. Not necessary and not warranted. His mother is not helpless.
He can't put her first above you. In a week or so sit down and talk to him. Don't let your pastor handle this --- anybody who is an athiest even knows that there is a vow that goes "forsaking all others" --- nip this in the bud now yourself. Forget about walking on eggs; what's right is right and he needs to put you first.
I disagree with this completely. It has only been a month. The stages of grief take much longer to process--especially for a completely unexpected death of a very close loved one. I do agree that you should get extra support from a grief counselor. But something to weigh is: is your husband's behavior inconsistent with what you know to be his personality? In other words, prior to FIL's death, was your husband attentive to you, did you two communicate well, did he have a healthy boundaries with his family? If you answer no to any of these, then you may have a long term problem that originates pre-death of FIL. If his behavior is completely out of character, then you need to chalk it up to grief, get some help, and be really, really patient for awhile.
Ditto siJoHa, and also - DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS AOBUT THE HOUSE right now. And if for some reason, in his grief, your DH tries to push it and now suddenly wants to buy it (because it was his dads, etc), that is where you need to draw a hard line.
It's ONLY been a month so I do think some patience is still needed - but at the same time, be sure that he doesn't use this as an excuse to make a HUGE decision w/o your input. If he were to try and push forward, That's when you need to put "patience" aside and tell him "no- we're not deciding on this. I'm trying to be patient, but you need to see a grief counselor and we have some work to do. THings are not good right now and we are NOT going to make a decision about the house right now. This is non-negotiable".
Why does she need him to be there every night and stay over, also? She can get a friend to stay with her.
Where helping ends and too much time with his mother begins.
Both your H and his mother will benefit from grief counseling. Churches run them, so do secular groups.
While having dinner at her place every single night and staying there til all hours may be a little bit excessive, I think you absolutely should cut him some slack and be more understanding.
I've never lost a parent, but DH has (in 2000... before we were together). For the first year after his father passed away, his mother leaned on him constantly. He wasn't living at home, but he was over at his mother's house all the time for dinner and spending time together. She was a mess and he was her rock. And he struggled too... even now, nearly 14 years later, he still breaks down on occasion when things/situations/dates (DOB/DOD) remind him of his father... he had been to multiple grief counselors for the first few years after his dad's passing... now he still sees a therapist about once a month (not just for that but just to help keep himself emotionally balanced).
Now, my best friend lost her mother suddenly just this past Thanksgiving (the week before)... it has been 2 1/2 months and she still cries almost daily. She is seeing a grief counselor, but it's a very long, slow process. Her husband has been supportive, but arguments still occur when she's being particularly short-tempered... It is evident that her healing process is going to be a long one... and although I've been there for her as much I can, I cannot fully understand what she is going through.
New grief... old grief... it doesn't matter... no one can fully understand what that particular person is dealing with emotionally. Everyone handles losing a loved one differently. You just need to be there for that person as best you can and be as supportive and understanding as possible.
Pinterest | Author Site | Tumblr | Blog | Free Printables
TarponMonoxide said:
I'd bet you that this is about comfort to HIM too. He just lost his dad. He's probably having a knee-jerk reaction of "gotta hold on to my mom".
It's hard to place a timeline on grief and what's right to do at what time, but my reaction to this is that this has been only ONE month. I think both her DH and MIL are reeling from it and are leaning on one another.
Now - this can't go on indefinitely. And I would basically roll with it for a few more weeks, but I'd be talking to DH about seeing a counselor (and probably also recommending that he get his mom to see one too) and then trying to work towards getting life back to normal.
This is just SO not a black and white issue and I think that having a little compassion is called for here - for both her DH AND her MIL. in reality, true "normal" will never be attained, and it will take awhile to get back to a close image of normal.