Left out b/c we don't have kids

parcoeliz · February 2014

Pretty fucking irritated at my "friends!" My DH and I are seriously never invited to places or events bc we don't have kids! A majority of our friends have kids, and even if the event (like just hanging out, dinner etc) doesn't revolve around the kids, we're still not invited. And of course I find out with all the lovely posts and pics on Facebook

PrincessVegan · February 2014

Time for new friends

dragon_chica · February 2014

Have you talked to your friends about this? Have the two of you invited them out, including kids? From the parent perspective I can imagine they might think that the two of you being the only non-parents might get annoyed by all the kids around and how kid-centric things can become. I don't agree with them excluding you and DH, if that's what they're doing, but giving a possibility to their reasoning. DH and I are one of the very few parents in our circle of friends so we would be without friends if we excluded non-parents! They've also been wonderful enough to embrace this new change in our life, which helps a lot.

But, if it is in fact because you don't have this commonality and they're not willing to include you because of something as lame as that then yes, find new friends.

formerlyGDaisy09 · February 2014

this is so frustrating, I totally understand. It's hard enough to see friends who are busy with kids. I would talk to them and say that you guys would love to join them next time. I can see if there was oversight on kid-centered activities...I would check in and maybe be the planner? and then ask that you be included in future plans.

We experienced a similar thing over Christmas with DH's family. I kept trying to figure out what holiday plans were, so we could spend time with both families. My family worked really hard to figure out when all 3 siblings could be together. DH's mom called us the week of Christmas and said "Dinner's at 2", to which I said "MIL, my family has been planning dinner at 5 an hour and a half from your house since Thanksgiving" her response was that 2 was when SIL1 and SIL2 could come with the kids, basically explaining that she did not consider our schedule because we do not have children. It's such a frustrating situation where your family or friends make you feel second best because you don't have children.

Leftie22 · February 2014

I would invite them to your place, kids included, so they know you still want to hang out even if it includes children. It's a hard transition when some friends have kids and some don't, I completely get it. I've been on both sides of the fence, and it sucks from either side! I bet the friends with kids think that you're not interested, or you won't want to come if the party is early and ends at 8pm. Let them know that you still want to see them!

GilliC · February 2014

Have they actually said, "We don't invite you over, because you don't have kids. We thought you'd feel out of place." ???

Maybe they just don't like you.

VOR · February 2014

I need to know more. Kind of to what Dragon asked- how have you acted since your friends have had kids? Do YOU still invite them out? Either w/ or w/o kids? And really- especially "with" kids. Do you try to do things w/ them, even if having an early dinner at your house, that includes their entire family?

As a majority of your friends have kids, this didn't happen overnight. So- what's the bigger picture of how this came to be?

People starting to have kids is a HUGE life-style adjustment. And to be honest, everyone in a friend group really needs to work together if you want to keep those friendships intact.

Meaning- the people w/ kids need to realize their kid can't be invited to everything and their friends don't want to talk ONLY about kid stuff.

However, the non-kid people need to be willing to do some things that includes the kids and it may mean adjusting what a night together means. It may mean staying in so that the kids can go to bed but then the adults can hang out. And that there will be SOME kid talk. Show an interest in the kids, in how they are doing, etc.

There is a HUGE middle ground. So.... again, I want to know more as to why you got to this place.

Is it an extreme - your friends are assholes who look down on people who don't have kids, or are you an asshole who is annoyed that they have kids and show no interest in this new part of their life? OR does it fall somewhere in the middle?

parcoeliz · February 2014

GilliC said:

Maybe they just don't like you.

Thanks GilliC...

parcoeliz · February 2014

The thing is, I know they still invite some people/friends/couples that don't have kids to certain things. So then it's a matter of us just being plain left out regardless of our kids/no kids situation. In those times it's definitely confusing!
Maybe GilliC is right...they just don't like us. Wtf.
We try to invite everyone to certain events and we all have a great time. Then next thing you know, another weekend comes and we're not invited to something. And it's all been on the DL until people blow up Facebook with posts and pictures.
I'm 30 years old, and because of this I'm feeling like I'm a 14 year old in high school feeling left out.

erollis · February 2014

parcoeliz said:

The thing is, I know they still invite some people/friends/couples that don't have kids to certain things. So then it's a matter of us just being plain left out regardless of our kids/no kids situation. In those times it's definitely confusing! Maybe GilliC is right...they just don't like us. Wtf. We try to invite everyone to certain events and we all have a great time. Then next thing you know, another weekend comes and we're not invited to something. And it's all been on the DL until people blow up Facebook with posts and pictures. I'm 30 years old, and because of this I'm feeling like I'm a 14 year old in high school feeling left out.

We have had this happen to us (but it wasn't because of kids). We invited people to go out or just come over for dinner/ games. No one comes. We keep trying to get together with them. Then Facebook blows up with all the things our group of friends is doing (things we are interested in). Then any time a gift giving event comes around they invite us. We are no longer friends with these people. I never asked why this happened but it's clear they don't want a healthy friendship with us.

If they aren't inviting you to do things and you keep extending an olive branch it's time to end the "friendship". It sounds like your friendship with these people are all one sided (your side). Do you need people that disappoint you and make you frustrated in your life?

VOR · February 2014

With your update - Is there someone who you feel particularly close to that you could reach out to and ask? Who you'd feel would be honest?

This sucks, though. Sorry you're dealing with it.

GilliC · February 2014

parcoeliz said:

The thing is, I know they still invite some people/friends/couples that don't have kids to certain things. So then it's a matter of us just being plain left out regardless of our kids/no kids situation. In those times it's definitely confusing! Maybe GilliC is right...they just don't like us. Wtf. We try to invite everyone to certain events and we all have a great time. Then next thing you know, another weekend comes and we're not invited to something. And it's all been on the DL until people blow up Facebook with posts and pictures. I'm 30 years old, and because of this I'm feeling like I'm a 14 year old in high school feeling left out.

I actually have been going through something similar with one of my groups of friends. We had a disagreement a while ago, and I thought they were over it but now I'm not invited to things and iI'm feeling left out. I suspect they just decided that there are other people they like better and I'm knocked down to second tier.

Or maybe I think that way because I've seen firsthand that my XH and one of my good friends behave this way to some of their "friends" who they actually don't really like. The people have no idea. Some friends actually asked my XH to be in their wedding and didn't understand why he declined. They thought he had stage fright or something, but really he didn't like them as much as they liked him.

Regardless of reason, I think you should build up some new friendships. Even if you reconnect with the others, it will help you feel better to know you have people to hang out with.

dragon_chica · February 2014

Yikes, your update doesn't bode well for you. I'll go out on one more limb and ask you, when you invite these friends out what is it, when, and where? If it's at a locale that isn't very family-friendly that could be a problem. If it's during a time when their child naps that could be a problem. I value nap big time. The only time we sacrifice naps are for major things like birthdays of close family/friends, etc. A child without a nap is an absolute nightmare. Even as a parent I don't always think about when another person's child naps so quite possibly you didn't put those things into consideration and that's why they decline? If you really value their friendships you can choose to lay your cards on the table in one last effort to salvage any friendship that's left. But, like another person pointed out, some people when they experience a huge life change (marriage, baby) their brain somehow shrinks and they become exclusionary. They look down on those who are singe/childless/whatever. It's lame and immature but this how it is for some people. If that's the case for you then move on. There are plenty of parents out there that value their friends whether they have kids or not. :-)

Leftie22 · February 2014

Is it a big group? I had a friend group that just got too big as people married and had kids, and eventually people would splinter off here and there. Sometimes the people with kids would do things separately, or a few couple would get together in a smaller group so we could play games. When the whole group was together it was just too big and tough to coordinate. I did feel sad when I saw something I hadn't been invited to, but then there were other times when I was invited and it was a smaller group. Sometimes you have to scale it back. But if these are huge parties and you're not being invited, I'd start to question what's going on.

formerlyGDaisy09 · February 2014

It's so hard to make friends as an adult. I'm not sure I would give up on them so easily. But I would definitely try to get yourself in on the planning, or do things one on one with some people in the group. and maybe try to make some new friends as well.

I've had a hard time recently with the friends I've made since college, but I find that they're more likely to think of me if I've done something with one of them recently. I went out snowshoeing with one of them and the next thing you know 3 of them are asking me to join them for a beer. If you're planning something last minute don't get offended if no one shows up...but that's a good way to see one or two of them at a time, if it works out.

Recently my H was working on a saturday night, I had spent the whole day cleaning the house. on a whim I sent out a group text that said something along the lines of "I just finished cleaning the house, I'm planning to open a bottle of wine and put in a movie, H is working, if anyone is free of plans tonight come join me" One came to join me and we had a great time. and try to plan kid friendly things, any of my friends with small children could have joined for a movie night.

j3ffsgirl · March 2014

DH and I have the exact opposite happen to us. We are the only couple without kids, and we are invited to every kids birthday party!! It very expenive, and frankly, pretty boring. I guess it's a good reason to get together and have a few cocktails once the kids chill the hell out!

Why don't you just approach your friends, and ask them what the deal is? Good luck!

formerlyGDaisy09 · March 2014

this continues to be frustrating. people are busy...that's what I have to keep telling myself. everyone plans on a whim and that's how people get left out.

Left out b/c we don't have kids

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