The 7 Year Marriage

zamboni00 · February 2014

I was listening to NPR the other day (FFC?) and heard the story of Kurt Braunohler and his 13 year relationship.

Basically, they had been dating 13 years when they turned 30 and wondered why they hadn't ever really considered marriage. So they discussed, and decided to follow the lead of the Amish, and institute a 30 day 'Rumspringa'. They would regroup at the end to decide the fate of their relationship.

Even though I could go on for a while about that... what really struck me was what he said after.

As you can imagine, they ended up splitting up. He then went on to explain that if he were to ever get married, he would only want it to be valid for 7 years. At the end of the 7 years, he thinks people should have the opportunity to walk away, or renew their contract.

The host of the program said he felt that part of what made marriage so wonderful was the security of knowing you're in this for life. You build a stronger relationship because you are both your true self, and don't have to worry about being re-elected in 7 years.

On the flip side, Kurt believes that this would make your marriage stronger, and you'd have the security of knowing your partner chose you over and over and over again.

Thoughts?

Apparently this is not new- a quick google search revealed a few articles about countries thinking about actually implementing an expiration date on marriage contracts.

Flamingo86 · February 2014

I've heard this before. I am with the host. I like knowing that my marriage is secure for life. If it came up in 7 years I would feel like I was on a lease.

RockABye · February 2014

For me personally, I hate how marriage is generally viewed as so temporary now days... If it doesn't work out, just split and find someone else vs working on your marriage. I'm not talking about cheating or abuse here.. I'm talking about "oh, I'm just kinda tired of you and wonder if there's someone who suits me better now" or if there's an issue, just splitting vs trying to see if you can come to a resolution be it on your own or through counseling or whatever. I like knowing that H chose me from the beginning as his one and only instead of me having to campaign to get his "vote" again every 7 years. That initial commitment makes my marriage feel more secure to me. Marriage is hard work, but I view it as lifelong and THAT makes me feel more secure... Knowing that we can work through problems and even just the boring times in our marriage. This is just my opinion though.

nfp147 · February 2014

I like that you used the term "re-elected". In my opinion, one of the main issues with governments is that politicians only think in 4 year spans because they want to get re-elected. They don't make decisions based on what is best for people/country long term (I'm speaking in general terms).

So, I prefer the life sentence.

seahorse01 · February 2014

I like the feeling of it being in an all in, lifelong commitment personally.

zamboni00 · February 2014

H and I agreed that we are glad we are on the lifetime plan- and that if given the choice (then or now) we would have chosen forever.

For us- that is marriage. Forever. If we have problems, we are committed to work through them.

I don't see a problem with it being an option- not replacing the lifetime plan, but being offered in addition. I wonder how popular it would be. How many people get married with the thought that it may not be forever?

GoodWolf · February 2014

I personally think more people would get married, and subsequently not 're-elect'. It seems like it would dilute (for lack of a better word) the meaning of marriage. From my POV, I'm old fashioned and think marriage is for life (ETA: I'm with RAB, exceptions are unapologetic infidelity, abuse, etc. In that case, GTFO of there.). I do know this isn't a universal perspective, though. I think our generation specifically is pretty short sighted as it is, I don't know that if people knew they had an 'out' they would work as hard to make their marriage a success.

On the flip side, if you're in it to win it, I think choosing marriage over and over would be reaffirming.

R.Wilsonny · February 2014

I'm also in the 'marriage is for life' camp. I can't imagine marrying someone knowing that in 7 years, they may or may not choose to walk away. And what incentive does it give for people to actually work on their marriage if they know that in 7 years they can just go?

zamboni00 · February 2014

But what if it was an option. For example, you need a marriage license to get married, so you choose To either get the 7 year license or the lifetime license.

You couldn't change after the fact (unless you got the 7 year, and at renewal opted to change to lifetime).

Do you think the 7 year option would be popular?

zamboni00 · February 2014

Personally, I don't think that it would make a difference, and to be honest, I don't think that the fact that there isn't an easy out should be incentive enough to stay married to someone.

I guess I believe that in most cases (I think we all agree abuse, etc isn't included) the breakdown of a marriage (or really any long term relationship) is a slow process. It doesn't happen overnight.

I believe that every day, I chose to love my husband, and same with him. We chose to be a team and work to better ourselves and our relationship.

Unless something drastic happened, I don't think I would wake up one day and think 'i know I loved him yesterday, but today, I think I will exercise that escape clause just because it's there'.

There would have to be a reason, easy out or not, for me to walk away. There would have to be many days when one of us choose not to love, not to work together, not to be an 'us'.

I know that got long and rambling... I guess my point is that divorce is no easy out, but many people do it anyway. I don't necessarily think it would 'encourage' people to give up on their marriage.

poppies717 · February 2014

Another lifer! My dad told DH that there was a "no returns" policy when we got engaged. I love my DH for who he was when we met, the man I grew to love, and the man he will be. I do feel secure knowing we're together forever, but it doesn't mean I "let myself go" or anything (except for leg shaving in the winter. Eff that).

We know two couples who called it quits after fewer than 3 years. It makes me sad that marriage is seen as something temporary. This is why I'm firmly for LGBTQ marriage rights. My friends (two women) have been married longer than Kim Kardashian was married to that basketball player, and they are a sweet, generous, loving couple that we love doing "couple" things with.

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