What Makes A Good Marriage?

amandaf6383 · February 2014

My cousin and I (who work together and commute together) were debating this on the way to work this morning and it got me thinking about what goes into a successful marriage. Obviously all couples are different but what are the constant themes you see in a good, healthy marriage?

LittleLady77 · February 2014

Communication, trust, love and support. I guess the biggest thing is that both parties still enjoy each other and WANT to be together (vs. just stay together for convenience or kids). Interesting topic. I'm looking forward to reading other people's responses.

Sewilson33 · February 2014

I think communication, trust, love, are pretty much known factors. I also think you need to be able to have fun with each other, want to be with each other, passion.

PandPMeant2B · February 2014

I agree with @LittleLady77 and would also add friendship. John Lennon was wrong; love is NOT all you need. You need to actually like each other too. I think when your day gets brighter by making your partner's day brighter you're off to a good start. That's not to say you should put your partner's happiness above yours, but making your partner happy should make you happy too.

Also, not bringing baggage from previous relationships to your current one. Every person is different and you can't judge them/hold them accountable for something someone else did (i.e.: cheating, lying, etc.). Presumably, you married your spouse because they were NOT like your ex. I always say everyone has baggage; you just need to find someone who's luggage matches yours and who will help you unpack.

I'm sure I'm missing a lot... Today is my Monday and I'm not functioning at 100% yet.

RockABye · February 2014

For us, keeping God first as the head of our household is priority #1. Our faith is of utmost importance in our marriage. Praying together daily has changed our marriage for the better. After that, I think being open and honest (trustworthy) is essential, respecting him as the man, and just being friends in general... enjoying each other's company and having fun together. Communication is vital... being able to work through problems and finding that the hard times actually pull you closer together rather than tearing you apart. I personally believe in MY marriage, that putting our faith first is what helps us have a great marriage. We've had to deal with some pretty crappy stuff, but having to trust God with our future has drawn us closer. I love that man more and more every day. I also think that putting each other's needs/wants above our own needs/wants, regardless of how I feel that day, strengthens our marriage. When he's happy, I'm happy. When I'm happy, he's happy. That is NOT to say anyone should be a doormat though. There's a difference in being a doormat and putting each other above yourself, IMO. You just have to use discernment.

I also think that figuring out each other's love language can go a LONG way in strengthening a marriage. DH and I recently did the online test and realized we are completely opposite. It was actually funny. But now we know so we can take the appropriate actions to show love to each other.

These are JMO, but it's worked for me I am super interested to hear other's opinions!

BruinsBabe33 · February 2014

Good sex.

amandaf6383 · February 2014

RockABye said:

For us, keeping God first as the head of our household is priority #1. Our faith is of utmost importance in our marriage. Praying together daily has changed our marriage for the better. After that, I think being open and honest (trustworthy) is essential, respecting him as the man, and just being friends in general... enjoying each other's company and having fun together. Communication is vital... being able to work through problems and finding that the hard times actually pull you closer together rather than tearing you apart. I personally believe in MY marriage, that putting our faith first is what helps us have a great marriage. We've had to deal with some pretty crappy stuff, but having to trust God with our future has drawn us closer. I love that man more and more every day. I also think that putting each other's needs/wants above our own needs/wants, regardless of how I feel that day, strengthens our marriage. When he's happy, I'm happy. When I'm happy, he's happy. That is NOT to say anyone should be a doormat though. There's a difference in being a doormat and putting each other above yourself, IMO. You just have to use discernment.

What do you mean by respecting him as the man? I'm not critiquing, just honestly curious as my husband and I are not religious.

Also, I'm totally going to do the online love language test!!

RockABye · February 2014

Oh, just meaning respecting him as the head of the household. I have equal say in everything we do, but ultimately, I let him make the decisions in the end.. he wears the pants. He respects my opinion and always wants my input, but if it comes down to two differing opinions, I trust him to make the right decision for our family and respect his decision, even if I don't like it. (if there is a MAJOR disagreement, it would take more discussion.. in the end though, it's his call). Also, just showing him respect in general. Never badmouthing him in front of anyone.. only lifting him up. I've found that by respecting him, he does the same for me. Sure these things play into my faith, but I think that even folks without any religion can do these things and it will go a long way. Men thrive on respect, while women thrive on love. (generally speaking.. there are always exceptions, I know)

Let me also add that I realize there are men and situations that are less than ideal and I do not think those women should allow themselves to be walked all over. There's a difference in blind "respect" and true respect. It is not just doing whatever he says and not standing up for yourself in a bad situation. However, I DO think sometimes there are men who have given up on being respected so they may become lazy, stupid, whatever.. so if the woman was to show him some respect and encouragement, it could perk him up and make him want to be a better man. It's a fine line though and takes discernment and wisdom. It's not just where the woman suddenly just rolls over and talks about how wonderful her drunk 24/7, sits in his undies watching TV all day husband is.

Sewilson33 · February 2014

I'd also add forgiveness. I guess it kind of goes into communication but you need to be able to forgive each other in order to move forward.

LuckyAngel07 · February 2014

Love, patience, understanding, support, friendship.

Patience is typically in short supply for me, so it's something I've been trying harder (admittedly, I could do a better job of it, but I am trying) to have more of.

amandaf6383 · February 2014

RockABye said:

Oh, just meaning respecting him as the head of the household. I have equal say in everything we do, but ultimately, I let him make the decisions in the end.. he wears the pants. He respects my opinion and always wants my input, but if it comes down to two differing opinions, I trust him to make the right decision for our family and respect his decision, even if I don't like it. (if there is a MAJOR disagreement, it would take more discussion.. in the end though, it's his call). Also, just showing him respect in general. Never badmouthing him in front of anyone.. only lifting him up. I've found that by respecting him, he does the same for me. Sure these things play into my faith, but I think that even folks without any religion can do these things and it will go a long way. Men thrive on respect, while women thrive on love. (generally speaking.. there are always exceptions, I know)

Let me also add that I realize there are men and situations that are less than ideal and I do not think those women allow themselves to be walked all over. There's a difference in blind "respect" and true respect. It is not just doing whatever he says and not standing up for yourself in a bad situation. However, I DO think sometimes there are men who have given up on being respected so they may become lazy, stupid, whatever.. so if the woman was to show him some respect and encouragement, it could perk him up and make him want to be a better man. It's a fine line though and takes discernment and wisdom. It's not just where the woman suddenly just rolls over and talks about how wonderful her drunk 24/7, sits in his undies watching TV all day husband is.

Thank you for explaining! :-)

islandmonkey8 · February 2014

Trust. Support. Love. Compassion. Forgiveness. Understanding. Friendship. Humor.

blueeyedblossom · February 2014

PP has said everything I would.

I would add balance.

seahorse01 · February 2014

For me, it is humor, being best friends, having common interests and having a similar vision of how you want to live your lives. Having similar morality and priorities also help.

nfp147 · February 2014

Sense of humour, compromise, friendship, respect, good fur-baby parenting skills and enough money to travel.

@PandPMeant2B said something about liking each other. That one is really important to us. For DH to say that he likes me sometimes is more important to me than hearing that he loves me.

marriedlady1212 · February 2014

My grandmother once told me the secret to happy marriage is when it makes both people happy to make the other person happy, when you both want to do whatever you can to take care of the other. Then it's always a win-win. And humor. My husband and I laugh every single day.

LuckyAngel07 · February 2014

nfp147 said:

@PandPMeant2B said something about liking each other. That one is really important to us. For DH to say that he likes me sometimes is more important to me than hearing that he loves me.

This is so true. There are times that, as much as I love DH, I really don't like him right then. It's definitely important to like your spouse the majority of the time!

poppies717 · February 2014

DH was my best friend for years before we started dating. Our marriage is solidly built on that companionship and general respect for one another. I'd add laughter, trust, honest communication (never say anything you'll regret), and the ability to still surprise each other.

LittleLady77 · February 2014

It is interesting what works for some people won't for others. Variety really is the spice of life. I was reading @rockabye 's post about the husband being the head of the house hold. While I think it's great RAB and many people have found this as a great system that works, it wouldn't work in our house. For us equality, compromise and balance are also very important. I do love the part about not talking poorly of each other and building each other up tho. I'm not trying to start a debate about what's right and wrong, just that different things work for different people.

LittleLady77 · February 2014

Most everything I've read says you need to have similar intelligence levels as well. It would be very challenging to be in a relationship where you felt you were way more or less intelligent than the other person. Maybe that's an element of picking a partner and not having a good relationship... Who knows.

FutureMrsWright2012 · February 2014

For us, communication, sense of humor, and willingness to do something for the other person that you wouldn't normally volunteer to do. My DH loves adventure and while I'm definitely much more cautious than him, I'm usually game for (almost) whatever. He loves that about me, and will often reciprocate (unless it involves grocery shopping

.

brij2006 · February 2014

Communication is #1 for me. Along with not thinking that divorce is an option (yes, there are circumstances where it applies). I also agree with @littlelady77 that having similar intelligence levels is big too. I love that H and I can chat about business stuff and we both get it.

I'm with RAB about putting God first in our marriage and understanding that it is God first, then Man, Woman, and children. Although I thought it was a crock of sh*t during our marriage counseling and actually argued the fact with our pastor. Mostly because I was brought up in a family who abuses this and my mom is more of a servant to my dad. But H and I took a different marriage course 6 months into our marriage, and it really gave me a different perspective on putting H before myself and allowing him to wear the pants. It has truly made our marriage amazing, and I can't even imagine what it would've been like going through these things in the past year and having still been in the mindset that I needed to take control of large decisions when I was emotionally broken.

seahorse01 · February 2014

I am truly flabbergasted at the thought of not being considered an equal to my husband.

LittleLady77 · February 2014

seahorse01 said:

I am truly flabbergasted at the thought of not being considered an equal to my husband.

I was really surprised by that concept too.

DangerMuffin23 · February 2014

I second Bruins on the good sex. But otherwise communication and acting like a Frickin adult and not being a whiny child :-)

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