Relationships
Banshee416
member
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My "relationship" really seems to irk my friends....
Hello to all,
I am just looking to get a few different opinions on this "somewhat" issue. A little background info..I am in my mid 30's, divorced mom who works a more than full time job. My kids are all pre-teens and spend their time divided between me and their dad. The divorce was pretty awful as he was extremely controlling and had a very bad time letting go. A few years ago, while on shift at work, I wound up receiving an old friend as a patient and we became reconnected. He is 15 years older than me, has also gone through a very difficult divorce and a single dad of 3 teenage girls. He is in emergency services as well and long story short, both our schedules are brutal. In the beginning of our relationship it was pretty much just leaning on each other for support through court dates and arguments with the exes and Im sure you get the drift...One thing lead to another and we began sleeping with each other. From the get go we were pretty honest with each about what we wanted and expected from each other which honestly, wasnt much. He was extremely straight forward about not wanting anymore kids or to get remarried again and I honestly have zero desire for either myself.
So heres the issue...this "arrangement" has now gone on for almost 4 years. We meet up usually once a week, spend the night together and then go our separate ways in the morning. We text each other during the week, send each other funny pics or stories and call only if there is an emergency. Our children know nothing about it and only a few relatives ( cousins). Only one or two of our close friends know that we are "involved"..mostly because of the business we are in we arent looking for the gossip. He is the only guy that I am seeing and quite frankly, I absolutely adore him. My friends have a huge problem with this. They keep telling me that I am being naive and that hes a jerk because by now he hasnt thrown down a commitment to me. That at some point I may change my mind and want a marriage or serious relationship and I will regret spending so much time with this guy.
I am sure in a way their hearts are in the right places,but honestly, I am perfectly content where Im at. We have a blast during the time that we spend together and so does he and I really see no reason to destroy it by demanding that he throw some sort of label on it. Sure it may end tomorrow...but it also may not.
Am I being ridiculous????
Re: My "relationship" really seems to irk my friends....
Sounds to me like your friends need to butt out. You're both adults and as long as you both know where the other stands, who cares what you call yourselves?
You're adults... you're both happy with how things are and it's going well... it's no one else's business.
My MIL is in a similar relationship. She lost her husband (DH's father) over a decade ago and didn't date anyone for nearly 10 years after that... now, she's with a man she adores... he's been married multiple times before and they were both clear that neither wanted to remarry or live together. They're been seeing each other (for lack of a better phrase) for almost 4 years now and they're totally happy. They see each other on weekends (when he's around... he goes away hunting a lot) and during the week, they talk on the phone or text, but have their own lives.
Her friends give her a hard time, saying he's using her for sex... they can't wrap their minds around the arrangement she has with him... but they're both happy and that's really all that matters. Unfortunately, her friends refuse to invite him out when she spends time with them (because they don't agree with the arrangement), which does bother her... and has caused her to limit her time with some of them as a result... I really don't get why people think it's their business who anyone sleeps with when it's two single, unattached adults.
Second, to this:
They keep telling me that I am being naive and that hes a jerk because by now he hasnt thrown down a commitment to me. That at some point I may change my mind and want a marriage or serious relationship and I will regret spending so much time with this guy.
I'd remind them that it's 2014 and YOU haven't "thrown down" a commitment to him either. it's a two way street!
AND if you do change your mind, then you'll deal with that at that time.
Until then, tell them that while you appreciate their concern, it's unnecessary and from here on out, you'll no longer be discussing him w/ them.
And ick to "one thing lead to another." I am getting the idea that this is just sex.
And yep, i am right....
We meet up usually once a week, spend the night together and then go our separate ways in the morning.
My advice to you:
1-Get rid of this piece of dead weight. This relationship is not a good one or a healthy one
2-Get yourself into therapy immediately. You are making another wrong choice and shit, this guy is USING you!
I've noticed a theme to tarpons responses. Therapy and dropping people out of your life.
I think for some situations, her responses are warranted, but I do not think this situation is one of them.
OP, if this is what works for you relationship-wise, then I say to hell with what your friends think. What you do behind your closed doors is your business and if you are happy with your arrangement, then there's nothing wrong with it. I know plenty of people who divorce and decide they do not want to get wrapped up in a 'serious' commitment again (or at least not for a very long time). I don't know about ditching your friends, but if it were me, I'd have limited contact with them if this is how they are going to be. Or when you are with them, just don't bring up the subject. If they bring it up, simply tell them the topic is not up for discussion then change the subject.