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How do I support my mother?
Sorry in advance this may get a little long. My mother and step father have been married for 8 years, since day one I have never approved of him, and actually told my mom not to marry him. He has never done anything bad to me, but the type of person he is is what I disliked the most. He is a very angry person, a know it all, a jerk, you have to walk on egg shells around him, luckily I never lived in their home because I graduated high school the year they got married. However, my younger brother who is six years younger grew up in that household and my brother was miserable, my stepdad acted like a tyrant and basically thought my brother was bad but for no reason at all, he did well in school, had a job, never did drugs, didn't have bad friends nothing, he was a little sassy maybe lazy at times but nothing that would warrant the discipline he got growing up. There has always been a strained relationship with my step father and my family, and his own family as well. He blows up on people is disrespectful and just rude 90% of the time. He and my mom moved away from my mother's hometown with all of her family and basically isolated her. Any friends that they had as a couple he ruined every relationship. They had another child my littlest brother whom I adore and wouldn't trade for the world. I know without my step father he wouldn't be here, so I can't wish he was never in the picture.
My SF can't hold a job he burns all his bridges, he was out of work for a few years due to a work related injury, even then my mom was 100% the caregiver to my littlest brother. While my SF was unemployed and home everyday, he still had a nanny come and take care of my brother, this nanny is one of my best friends so I know. Anyways my SF sued his past employer for wrongful termination, and workman's compensation. He won the workman's comp suit, the wrongful termination just finished, HE LOST. My mom has been there for him to help and console him throughout these last few years, it has been tough they have screwed up their financials so bad that they are looking towards bankruptcy, my SF is horrible with money always buying the best most expensive and he also came into the marriage with massive debt. My mom had zero before she met him and owned a condo.
Once the wrongful termination suit ended and he lost then he tells my mom he wants a divorce and then leaves her and my brother to pursue work outside of the state since no one will hire him in his industry, and he has been staying with family in another state. My mom tried to convince him to work things out and let her help him but he said he made up his mind. This was just all in JANUARY. My mom was left alone in another town, when she told me and my family we all decided she and my brother needed to return to our town. My H and I immediatly helped her move out and have set her and my brother up here. Conversations between my mom and SF were chaotic, and he was very mean. At one point I asked what everyone was thinking, was there someone else because his behavior was so immediate. Literally a week after he left maybe not that long a picture popped up on FB of him and another woman. In my head I jump to the worst but I don't know her and don't know their relationship so I tell my mom what I have seen and ask her if she knows anything. She recognized the woman because it was a friend of his but doesn't know why they are together. She confronts my SF and he goes bezerk saying she doesn't know anything and that he isn't seeing anyone else.
My mom and brother last week went back to their home to get the last stuff packed to complete the move, my SF is also there to sort stuff and see my brother. Now after briefly speaking with my mom she said they are going to try and work on things but she will still be living in our town and he will too depending on his work situation. I always knew my mom wasn't ready to give up on her marriage so I told her that if it came to that, this time things need to be done on her terms and he is the one that needs to change, she agreed.
My family is going to be shocked, my family will not be very forgiving or accepting, hell I am not sure if I will be either. But I don't want to put my mom in that place, and it's my brothers father so I don't want him to be put in that place of having to choose. If anything it may just not work out between them and we won't ever have to worry, but now I feel like it will be very awkward.
So my question is how do I be objective and not have my personal bias against my SF if she and him are going to try and work through things and my SF genuinly wants to change? Sorry if this was confusing, I feel like the history helps set this up.
Re: How do I support my mother?
Stay out of it.
Your mother is going to have to be the one to decide he is to go. Who knows? She may do it, she may not. She may decide to keep this jerk.
Stay out of it.
And give her no money.
That's my advice.
And if you think your brother is in danger, get CPS to investigate. I'll bet there is abuse in that house, judging from what you have said.
I'll try to stay out of it all but also be there. Let's hope my disdain for him isn't so obvious because that doesn't really help anything.
Thanks!
Why do you think your little brother would be better off with his father in the home?
@ Chiualover, I didn't say that and that isn't my decision to make anyhow. I am actually disappointed my mom would want to continue this relationship. I can't really stop her or make her decisions for her though, so I will just have to do my best to be supportive to my mom and brother, while staying out of my mom and her husband's issues.
Why do you think your little brother would be better off with his father in the home?
Maybe I misunderstood your previous comments. I personally have no sympathy for a woman who puts a husband/boyfriend before her children.
Your brother needs all the support he can get. But imho, your mother needs tough love. Not support. I had been in a very bad relationship years ago, when my support people told me that they didn't want to hear it anymore, and to do something about it, well, it was the best thing that they could have done for me.