Tell me about your mother

CowgirlK39 · March 2014

I'm quite close with my mom. She calls just about every other day just to chat and vent about her job. If I'm busy, I won't answer but I usually call her back when I get some time. We do go places together and sometimes she drops by for an hour. I don't think this is that bad but apparently I'm in the minority. DH thinks its ridiculous, but his mom is BSC and drives everybody nuts. Another friend of ours has a mom who behaves like a college kid (changing boyfriends many times, getting drunk every week and going home with guys, etc) and told me that she "doesn't get" how I can talk to my mom so much.

DH and I got into a disagreement today because he planned on us doing something all day. I told him I had housework to do, and he told me I should have been doing it yesterday instead of spending all day with my mom. I don't get what is so bad about spending time with my family. My mom and I just chat or hang out like friends would. She doesn't run my life or dictate what we do, she just hangs out. Does anyone else find this weird, or maybe do any of you spend time with your family like this?

artbyallie · March 2014

CowgirlK39 said: I'm quite close with my mom. She calls just about every other day just to chat and vent about her job. If I'm busy, I won't answer but I usually call her back when I get some time. We do go places together and sometimes she drops by for an hour. I don't think this is that bad but apparently I'm in the minority. DH thinks its ridiculous, but his mom is BSC and drives everybody nuts. Another friend of ours has a mom who behaves like a college kid (changing boyfriends many times, getting drunk every week and going home with guys, etc) and told me that she "doesn't get" how I can talk to my mom so much.

DH and I got into a disagreement today because he planned on us doing something all day. I told him I had housework to do, and he told me I should have been doing it yesterday instead of spending all day with my mom. I don't get what is so bad about spending time with my family. My mom and I just chat or hang out like friends would. She doesn't run my life or dictate what we do, she just hangs out. Does anyone else find this weird, or maybe do any of you spend time with your family like this?

Fuck TN, these boards always mess up my damn quote boxes.

I am very good friends with my mom and we talk nearly every day. However, talking to or hanging out with her does not interfere with my getting other things done. If you did in fact make plans with your H and then cancelled on him because you spent your time with your mom instead of getting things done at home, then I can certainly understand his frustration. That's pretty rude, and frankly you should always put each other before any other friend or family member.

moonprincessd · March 2014

I don't have a close relationship with my mom, but I know others who do. It's not a problem but as the PP said, if you had made plans with your husband then you should have not spent all day with your mother yesterday and did the housework then. Your spouse comes first.

Ilumine · March 2014

I firmly believe that any relationship, be it friend or family is secondary to your spouse and children. You can have a strong mother/daughter relationship or cousin/cousin relationship or BFF/BFF relationship, it cannot affect your daily life with your husband.

So you can:

talk to your mother every day, but not when DH is home.
spend time with your mother, but it should never come before doing the household chores.

Honestly, the fact that you did NOTHING yesterday so you could hang with your mother and then blew off your husband was wrong. And deep down, you know it. At the very least, you could have gone out with your DH and doubled up your chores the next day.

Disneygeek77 · March 2014

I talk to my mom a few times a week and we see each other a few times a month. However, she lives an hour away, if she lived closer we probably would see her more.

But I can see where your husband is coming from too. I'd be annoyed if I wanted to do something special with him and he blew me off to do chores. So chores are important when it comes to spending time with him, but not when your mom is over ?

LeaZ · March 2014

My mom and I are pretty close, we talk usually every day or so and see each other once or twice very week or two. I love spending time with her, but that being said I can see how your husband is upset. In my relationship I feel like my DH constantly puts his mother and sister want above what I want or need and it has cause a lot of problems in our relationship. Sounds like your hubby needs you to show him that he and your relationship are the priority in your life...if he felt like a priority and that you put him first then I bet he would be much less likely to get upset when you spend a day with your mom.

VOR · March 2014

I need to know more. Did you know about the plans for today? If so, then why did blow your chores off? How often does this happen - spending all day w. your mom at the cost of getting other stuff done and in turn, affecting your DH?

Sillygirl45 · March 2014

VOR said: I need to know more. Did you know about the plans for today? If so, then why did blow your chores off? How often does this happen - spending all day w. your mom at the cost of getting other stuff done and in turn, affecting your DH?

^^^ This.

I have a similar relationship with my sister and I will sometimes blow off what I was supposed to do to just hang out with her.

However, I find another time to do what I need to get done that doesn't interfere with spending time with H since we don't have that many days off together.

folc4evernaday · March 2014

I talk with my mom on a daily basis. We have a close relationship and she lives a state away. My husband's very understanding as his mom had passed away a few years ago and he believes very strongly in keeping strong family bonds ... even when we're married. He's supportive of my close relationship with my mom and wanting to visit when I can as I am with him in wanting to take weekends off to visit his dad. To some it may be weird to others not so much.

Your husband may have trouble understanding the close relationship as he doesn't share that with his own mother. Make sure when you are spending time with your mom you're not neglecting things that need to be done. Put your husband first but at the same time don't allow him to control your relationship with your mother either. Its a balancing act.

When are you talking with your mom? Is it during times when your husband wants to spend time with you? Try having conversations on the way or on the way home from work so your evenings are freed up to spend time with your husband.

Share stories with your husband about you and your mom and let him see how a "healthy" mother-child relationship is. Involve him in the visits. It can be helpful for both you and your husband to visit with your mom together. This way he's not feeling left out and maybe understand why you want to spend time with your mom.

Kimbus22 · March 2014

I'd be pissed off if my H thought it was fine to do nothing all day to spend time with his mother but turned around and wouldn't hang out with me the next day so he could do chores. That's pretty screwed up.

I talk to my mom a few times a week and see her once a week. But I do it when my H is at work or busy with other stuff so it doesn't interfere with our relationship.

CowgirlK39 · March 2014

Sighs... People, please READ MY POST CLEARLY, I did not blow my DH off. He was out doing something else so I went out with my mom. He and I went to a dinner that evening. THE NEXT DAY he wanted me to come with him and his buddies somewhere and I said I should do housework and he told me I should have done it THE DAY BEFORE when I was with my mom instead. I ended up going with him anyway so he did not get BLOWN OFF. I love how TN can become Choose Your Own Adventure sometimes lol.

As for my housework, it did get done, and no I do not neglect my house all the time to hang out with my mom. More wild assumptions. I was just saying that I wanted to get stuff done but DH was trying to convince me to do otherwise. I managed to squeeze everything in but he still doesn't get how I can have go spend a couple hours with my mom.

Leftie22 · March 2014

If you didn't know your DH had plans for both of you, which it sounds like you didn't, I don't see why he's getting mad. You have the right to do something other than chores while he's busy and you have time off. Plus inviting you to tag along with his friends is different than if he had plans for the two of you. Honestly, it sounds like you just need to communicate better, and set some boundaries around when your mom is welcome to hang out (do you ask your DH first, if he's also going to be home? Does your mom show up unannounced?) You should be able to hang out with your mom, but within healthy limits. Only your DH can tell you what feels reasonable and comfortable to him.

CowgirlK39 · March 2014

No she doesn't come over unannounced. That's his mother who does that but luckily we put and end to that. I wasn't looking for advice about how to handle this with my DH, I was more looking for input on whether or not others are this close with their moms? DH and one other friend think it's not normal, but then I have another friend who talks to her mom every morning when she wakes up and every night before bed, every day. She's 35 years old. I'm not THAT extreme at all, and only see my mom every couple weeks or so. Yet some people tell me that that's weird.

Leftie22 · March 2014

I don't think your DH or anyone here can tell you what's a "normal" relationship for a mom and daughter. I think what your DH is really trying to Say is that your mom is too close for his comfort.

VOR · March 2014

CowgirlK39 said:

Sighs... People, please READ MY POST CLEARLY, I did not blow my DH off. He was out doing something else so I went out with my mom. He and I went to a dinner that evening. THE NEXT DAY he wanted me to come with him and his buddies somewhere and I said I should do housework and he told me I should have done it THE DAY BEFORE when I was with my mom instead. I ended up going with him anyway so he did not get BLOWN OFF. I love how TN can become Choose Your Own Adventure sometimes lol.

Sighs.... where did you say any of this in your OP? Because while you aren't asking about how to handle with w/ your DH, whether you were blowing him off or not (some of us were ASKING about this, not assuming) does actually play a role in if your relationship is "too close" w/ your mom or not.

If you're not blowing him off and if the time you spend w/ your mom is mostly on "your" time, then I'm not sure why he's bothered.

What he needs to understand is that ALL relationships are different. ALL. And what is normal for him and his mom isnt' going to be what's normal for you and your mom - or anyone else and their mom.

Kimbus22 · March 2014

CowgirlK39 said:

Sighs... People, please READ MY POST CLEARLY, I did not blow my DH off. He was out doing something else so I went out with my mom. He and I went to a dinner that evening. THE NEXT DAY he wanted me to come with him and his buddies somewhere and I said I should do housework and he told me I should have done it THE DAY BEFORE when I was with my mom instead. I ended up going with him anyway so he did not get BLOWN OFF. I love how TN can become Choose Your Own Adventure sometimes lol.

Gee. It's really hard to believe you and your H are having trouble communicating over this...
:-w

Ilumine · March 2014

CowgirlK39 said:

Sighs... People, please READ MY POST CLEARLY, I did not blow my DH off. He was out doing something else so I went out with my mom. He and I went to a dinner that evening. THE NEXT DAY he wanted me to come with him and his buddies somewhere and I said I should do housework and he told me I should have done it THE DAY BEFORE when I was with my mom instead. I ended up going with him anyway so he did not get BLOWN OFF. I love how TN can become Choose Your Own Adventure sometimes lol.

As for my housework, it did get done, and no I do not neglect my house all the time to hang out with my mom. More wild assumptions. I was just saying that I wanted to get stuff done but DH was trying to convince me to do otherwise. I managed to squeeze everything in but he still doesn't get how I can have go spend a couple hours with my mom.

CowgirlK39 said:

I'm quite close with my mom. She calls just about every other day just to chat and vent about her job. If I'm busy, I won't answer but I usually call her back when I get some time. We do go places together and sometimes she drops by for an hour. I don't think this is that bad but apparently I'm in the minority. DH thinks its ridiculous, but his mom is BSC and drives everybody nuts. Another friend of ours has a mom who behaves like a college kid (changing boyfriends many times, getting drunk every week and going home with guys, etc) and told me that she "doesn't get" how I can talk to my mom so much.

DH and I got into a disagreement today because he planned on us doing something all day. I told him I had housework to do, and he told me I should have been doing it yesterday instead of spending all day with my mom. I don't get what is so bad about spending time with my family. My mom and I just chat or hang out like friends would. She doesn't run my life or dictate what we do, she just hangs out. Does anyone else find this weird, or maybe do any of you spend time with your family like this?

"Sighs... People, please READ MY POST CLEARLY, I did not blow my DH off. He was out doing something else so I went out with my mom. He and I went to a dinner that evening. THE NEXT DAY he wanted me to come with him and his buddies somewhere and I said I should do housework and he told me I should have done it THE DAY BEFORE when I was with my mom instead. "

I want you to carefully read what you originally posted and then your follow up and try to see the HUGE difference between the two and how we could have come to the conclusions we did? BTW - if more than one or two people come to the same conclusion, then the odds are its you, not them.

And while I am very close to my mother, I still say that you were in the wrong in the situation you provided to us as your example of how your DH doesn't understand.

1) it does not matter what your husband was doing on Day X. He could have been at work or at the bank or out playing golf. That should have no bearing on why you made your choices unless you made your choices to spite your husband.

2) The way YOU wrote your post "my husband had plans for us", it sounds like you knew of the plans in advance. And if that is true, then you made your choice to go out with your mother, knowing you had housework to do that could impact this event.

And if you did NOT know that your husband was taking you out the next day, then why didn't you post that in either your Original Post or subsequent followups? Human Nature usually dictates that we paint ourselves in the most optimum light and if you had not known you were going out with your husband (and you posted that) we would have all responded differently.

3) If the housework was no big deal, then why couldn't you put it off yet another day? Again this is how I would look at it if I were your husband. If it was no big deal to put off to see my mother, then it was no big deal to put off one more day to see me.

Its how you presented it to your husband. Mommy is more important than housework, but DH is not as important to put it off.

So if this is how you navigate your relationships between the two of them, then I can totally see how your husband is starting to react negatively towards her.

cloudymeatballs · March 2014

I am very close with my Mom. We talk almost every morning and I see her usually at least once a week. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with my H. If I were to go over to see her and didn't do things I had intended it is my problem and I will find my time to do whatever I was supposed to do. My H has no problem at all with any of this. I have even ended up at my Mom's talking and such for a few hours more than had planned, came home late to make dinner, but he was all good and cool about it. My H knows how important family is to me, I have a large one.

If he ever gave me a hard time about it I may want to ask him too what his problem is. I see nothing wrong with your relationship with your Mom. I think it is awesome! More women should have their Mom as their friend! I am so thankful to have my Mom in my life so close and I will cherish every moment I get with her... Life is short and since it doesn't seem to really cause any strain with you and your H, other than this little thing, I wouldn't worry much about it. If you do start to blow him off for whatever reasons,, then he can say something.. xoox

chelsy31588 · March 2014

After skimming through, and I may have missed it, but why did no one bring up the fact that the HUSBAND can help with the chores so his WIFE can join him on his planned event? Four hands work faster than two! That is all I think your relationship is fine, and there was just some communication issues/time management issues.

Ilumine · March 2014

chelsy31588 said:

After skimming through, and I may have missed it, but why did no one bring up the fact that the HUSBAND can help with the chores so his WIFE can join him on his planned event? Four hands work faster than two! That is all I think your relationship is fine, and there was just some communication issues/time management issues.

I recognize that part.

HOWEVER, its not the fact that she has chores to do as much as she chose to ignore said chores for her mother, but refuses to do so for her husband. This could have been school work or changing a hair appointment or a myriad of other things.

If my husband chose not to grade his papers so he could go golf with his buddies on Saturday and then use the excuse that he could not do something preplanned on Sunday, I would be just as hurt because he RANKED me lower on his priority list.

ah625 · March 2014

Am I the only one who thinks housework can wait?

cloudymeatballs · March 2014

ah625 said:

Am I the only one who thinks housework can wait?

I sure do. You can do it when you do it. You don't need to be on a super set schedule. Just my opinion...

jennifermcnatt · March 2014

My mom and I are close. I talk with her mostly everyday give or take. She lives several hours away. I talk to her when hubby is at work. Put your hubby 1st. But nothing wrong with being close to your mom. Just prioritize it a little better. So everyone is happy.

schuette2 · April 2014

My mom and I are very close. I work part time and go to school full time, and since DH's job could one day take us out of state, I spend a lot of time with my parents (I'm an only child). The last several months, I've had Fridays off, so mom & I will do lunch then run our errands together, and we almost always have dinner with my parents and Grandpa on Sunday night. DH's parents live in IL, but if they lived closer, we'd spend more time with them as well.

As far as housework goes, I get more cleaning done in the time between someone calling to say they're coming over and they're actually showing up than I do any other time.

Tell me about your mother

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