How do I get DH to help around the house esp. when sports are on?

Corky0905 · December 2013

I need some ideas of how to get my husband to help out around the house more. We both work full time jobs that include working every other weekend (we are on the same weekend) and he does work many hours. On my days off, I spend some time vacuuming or doing laundry and tidying the house, along with other things like cleaning bathrooms and grocery shopping. He will occasionally help with yard work during the warm months and shovel snow in the winter, but because he works every other weekend, a lot of times he does NOTHING on his days off. I get that he wants to spend his off time doing something he enjoys and he definitely deserves it. But when that time is a TV marathon of a soccer game followed by a football game followed by a golf tournament, I have a hard time not getting pissed off. For example, yesterday, he went to the golf range then to a local double-header hockey game while I visited with my sister at her house. Fine, we both deserved time off. Today, he slept in while I took the dog for a loooooong walk. No problems with that, although I would have liked his company to talk about his week. When he did wake up, he went straight to the basement to watch 2 sports events. I asked him (on a commercial!) to help me with the humidifier in the basement and I got a big groan and was told that spooooorts were oooonn.... I felt like I was talking to a whiny 4 year old! He apparently has no plans to help me with anything today! How do I get him to help?

iteachkids81 · December 2013

I would suggest talking to him at a time when you have his attention-when tv is off and you are sitting quietly together over dinner.

Explain to him that you are feeling just as exhausted as he is with your work schedules but that you both made the decision to buy a house so you both need to make the effort to clean and maintain it. Tell him you don't mind doing the cooking, cleaning etc, as long as he chips in for the things you need help with (tweak the list to your needs)

Maybe if you know something like the humidifier will need to be dealt with, you could mention it in the morning before his sports are on? Ask if he'd like you to keep a list with chores you'd want him to do and when you would like them done by- that way he can plan to get them done before or between his chosen sports programs.

Hope that helps.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

PP poster had great advice on talking to him about it without sports on.

H and I keep an ongoing list of things to be done so on days off we can tackle it together in about an hours time it makes a daunting list on the fridge really easy to handle when we both cross things off rather than just me.
I am only working part time so I do most everything during the week but his responsibility is to do the dishes and to vacuum the house on Sundays while I do the bathroom and any other oddball things I missed. He will also switch laundry if I ask.

OtterJ · January 2014

We have a dry erase board in our kitchen with our weekly to do list. It includes weekly chores, as well as any "special" projects or tasks to be tackled. I write the ones that I plan on doing in one color, and the ones that he can do in another color (taking into consideration what he is/isn't good at), and things that we have to do together in a third color. Daily to-dos are listed at the top, and those never change, and are part of our set routine (I cook, we do dishes, he takes out the trash, etc.)

At the beginning of the week, we talk about the weekly list, and I make sure that it's not confusing. If he has any concerns over what can/should be added or removed from the list, he voices them. I always have more stuff to do on the list than he does, and he can see that, so he's never complained (we both work full time too). When we do a task, we wipe it off the board. If something doesn't get done, it remains on the board for the next week and gets circled in red (which helps me see when I unintentionally make a list too ambitious).

He likes it, because he can check it when he has time, instead of me badgering him and bombarding him with a long "honey-do" list as soon as he gets home (which I used to do...oops). There was a while, where he would do his things on the list in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. I loved waking up to an unloaded dishwasher!

It took us a while to figure out what does and doesn't work for us. Try talking to him (when sports aren't on), and letting him know that you DO need help, and asking him what you can do to help him accomplish it. You can always try something, and if it doesn't work, try something else.

formerlyGDaisy09 · January 2014

We've been trying to address the same thing, some things that have helped:

1. Hubby can do the laundry, as long as its sorted by wash cycle. I found a 4-bin laundry sorter and all dirty laundry gets sorted by Linens (hot-wash, tumble dry) Light colors (warm-wash, tumble dry), dark colors (cold-wash, tumble dry) and delicates (Cold-wash, hang dry). the only one Hubby has to sort out is the delicates by color. He's gotten pretty good at coming home and doing a load of laundry when a bin is full (bonus, he can watch TV while he does it)

2. New Rule...while I'm doing something, you're doing something, because lets face it, I'd like to sit on my butt sometimes too. This rule doesn't apply all the time, but it does help when there isn't something pressing like a game on TV. If I'm washing the dishes, he's taking out the trash and wiping down the counters. or if i'm vacuuming the floor he's helping me move couches. This has helped imensley.

3. I cook dinner you do the dishes...or vica versa. also if I'm cooking dinner I give him a 5 minute warning and he sets the table and fills glasses.

4. If he has a day off that I don't have I'll leave him with my "hit list" of things I need to get cleaned that week and say something like "honey, this is all the stuff I have to get done this week, it would be really great if you could do X today" X being something like clean the bathroom, vacuum the living room, or pull weeds in the garden. I choose one thing, based on the biggest need (and the weather in the case of outdoor tasks), at this point hes figured out that he had better have X done before I get home, and if he wants more brownie points tackling a few other things on the list is a good idea. I never leave him with something that is going to take more than an hour.

we're still working on things. My approach and his approach are different. DH will decide "oh that'll take me about an hour, I'm going to start it an hour before wifey gets home", he relaxes until then. While I start in on tasks right away knowing that when they're done I can spend the rest of the day relaxing. he's beginning to learn to get things like the dishes done right away because me arriving home to a pile of dishes in the sink (if I come home earlier than expected) is pretty much a guarenttee that I'll get angry.

DaBearsBride · January 2014

DH and I are both very VERY headstrong people so one person telling the other to do certain chores has never worked. Four years later we have a system that does. We draft chores. At the beginning of each month we make a huge list of regular chores that need done and go back and forth drafting chores until it is all divied out. Big projects (cleaning basement or remodeling) are begrudgingly done together (lol) but we NEVER fight about chores anymore!!

MrsDcamacho · January 2014

My hubby used to be the same way. One thing I found out was if I pump up his ego he jumps right up to help. "Sweetie you do such a great job cleaning the bathroom and folding clothes, maybe even better then me!" Now He does all the laundry,cleans the bathroom and mops the whole house without me having to ask. I also agree that talking to him while he watches sports is probably won't work. Best of luck

Erikan73 · January 2014

I love the dry erase board idea posted above. For us daily to do lists help & I try to keep them short to 3-4 things. They aren't always big things, like one night it can be, wash darks, vaccum bedroom & vaccum living room. Well none of that takes long, but it's stuff that needs to be done. He's finally discovered that if he helps out more, I'm not so tired and we have more time then to do fun stuff while the house still looks nice.

daisy662 · March 2014

Gdaisy09 said:

We've been trying to address the same thing, some things that have helped:

1. Hubby can do the laundry, as long as its sorted by wash cycle. I found a 4-bin laundry sorter and all dirty laundry gets sorted by Linens (hot-wash, tumble dry) Light colors (warm-wash, tumble dry), dark colors (cold-wash, tumble dry) and delicates (Cold-wash, hang dry). the only one Hubby has to sort out is the delicates by color. He's gotten pretty good at coming home and doing a load of laundry when a bin is full (bonus, he can watch TV while he does it)

2. New Rule...while I'm doing something, you're doing something, because lets face it, I'd like to sit on my butt sometimes too. This rule doesn't apply all the time, but it does help when there isn't something pressing like a game on TV. If I'm washing the dishes, he's taking out the trash and wiping down the counters. or if i'm vacuuming the floor he's helping me move couches. This has helped imensley.

3. I cook dinner you do the dishes...or vica versa. also if I'm cooking dinner I give him a 5 minute warning and he sets the table and fills glasses.

4. If he has a day off that I don't have I'll leave him with my "hit list" of things I need to get cleaned that week and say something like "honey, this is all the stuff I have to get done this week, it would be really great if you could do X today" X being something like clean the bathroom, vacuum the living room, or pull weeds in the garden. I choose one thing, based on the biggest need (and the weather in the case of outdoor tasks), at this point hes figured out that he had better have X done before I get home, and if he wants more brownie points tackling a few other things on the list is a good idea. I never leave him with something that is going to take more than an hour.

we're still working on things. My approach and his approach are different. DH will decide "oh that'll take me about an hour, I'm going to start it an hour before wifey gets home", he relaxes until then. While I start in on tasks right away knowing that when they're done I can spend the rest of the day relaxing. he's beginning to learn to get things like the dishes done right away because me arriving home to a pile of dishes in the sink (if I come home earlier than expected) is pretty much a guarenttee that I'll get angry.

Wow. Glad I'm not your husband! Lol! This approach really seems nagging to me. If you are doing something he needs to be doing something? He's a grown man! My husband and I each have responsibilities. He does his when he wants and I do mine when I want. He doesn't always get them done how or when I'd like, but he is an adult and that is his prerogative. If I don't like it, I do it myself. It's not worth getting upset over. My expectations of a clean house are pretty ridiculously high so I don't expect his to be the same. He's a great guy all around so if he doesn't take out the garbage when I'd like, I just do it myself. Not really a big deal. Now OP, I understand your problem because it sounds like he doesn't do much of anything. I agree with pp's that you need to discuss this and come to some sort of a compromise. Good luck!

formerlyGDaisy09 · March 2014

daisy662 said:

Gdaisy09 said:

We've been trying to address the same thing, some things that have helped:

1. Hubby can do the laundry, as long as its sorted by wash cycle. I found a 4-bin laundry sorter and all dirty laundry gets sorted by Linens (hot-wash, tumble dry) Light colors (warm-wash, tumble dry), dark colors (cold-wash, tumble dry) and delicates (Cold-wash, hang dry). the only one Hubby has to sort out is the delicates by color. He's gotten pretty good at coming home and doing a load of laundry when a bin is full (bonus, he can watch TV while he does it)

2. New Rule...while I'm doing something, you're doing something, because lets face it, I'd like to sit on my butt sometimes too. This rule doesn't apply all the time, but it does help when there isn't something pressing like a game on TV. If I'm washing the dishes, he's taking out the trash and wiping down the counters. or if i'm vacuuming the floor he's helping me move couches. This has helped imensley.

3. I cook dinner you do the dishes...or vica versa. also if I'm cooking dinner I give him a 5 minute warning and he sets the table and fills glasses.

4. If he has a day off that I don't have I'll leave him with my "hit list" of things I need to get cleaned that week and say something like "honey, this is all the stuff I have to get done this week, it would be really great if you could do X today" X being something like clean the bathroom, vacuum the living room, or pull weeds in the garden. I choose one thing, based on the biggest need (and the weather in the case of outdoor tasks), at this point hes figured out that he had better have X done before I get home, and if he wants more brownie points tackling a few other things on the list is a good idea. I never leave him with something that is going to take more than an hour.

we're still working on things. My approach and his approach are different. DH will decide "oh that'll take me about an hour, I'm going to start it an hour before wifey gets home", he relaxes until then. While I start in on tasks right away knowing that when they're done I can spend the rest of the day relaxing. he's beginning to learn to get things like the dishes done right away because me arriving home to a pile of dishes in the sink (if I come home earlier than expected) is pretty much a guarenttee that I'll get angry.

Wow. Glad I'm not your husband! Lol! This approach really seems nagging to me. If you are doing something he needs to be doing something? He's a grown man! My husband and I each have responsibilities. He does his when he wants and I do mine when I want. He doesn't always get them done how or when I'd like, but he is an adult and that is his prerogative. If I don't like it, I do it myself. It's not worth getting upset over. My expectations of a clean house are pretty ridiculously high so I don't expect his to be the same. He's a great guy all around so if he doesn't take out the garbage when I'd like, I just do it myself. Not really a big deal. Now OP, I understand your problem because it sounds like he doesn't do much of anything. I agree with pp's that you need to discuss this and come to some sort of a compromise. Good luck!

IT's actually not that bad, and note, the when I'm doing something You're doing something rule (not really a rule) doesn't apply all the time. this came from H getting really angry at me that I spend the whole weekend cleaning and we never got to do anything fun on the weekend. Right now H works 30 hours a week and I work about 60 and I'm in grad school. I think we'll re-adjust our approach when I graduate in June, or if he gets the second job he's looking for. but for now this approach has been working really well for us. This past weekend we took the dog on a two hour walk together, watched a few movies, and I was actually able to spend a good amount of time relaxing and I got my homework done!

I used to come home to a messy house and later look at netflix and see that he'd watched 4 movies that day (damn recently viewed feature), now I come home to a slightly less messy house, a dog who has been walked or taken to the dog park, and maybe one or two movies that have been watched on netflix.

How do I get DH to help around the house esp. when sports are on?

Re: How do I get DH to help around the house esp. when sports are on?

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