Family Matters
winksniper
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Issues with MY mother
My fiance and I have been engaged for just over a month. We have been together for three years, but ever since day one my mother just can't get over his dislike for him. She is extremely traditional and Fiance and I are the exact opposite. She can't get over his long hair and his piercings, and thinks they're disgusting. The first thing she said after I announced my engagement was, "So is he gonna cut his hair so he looks more like a man?" It's pathetic and unnecessary.
On top of that, I was the one to propose (remember what I said about being non-traditional?) and I bought my own ring, and of course she had an issue with that, and now I'm convinced she doesn't even take my engagement seriously now. She seems to think it's her decision whether or not I marry him.
I feel so bad for Fiance because she has had negative things to say about him for the past three years, despite hardly knowing him. And the reason I don't bring him around is entirely because of these negative prejudgments she has. If she wouldn't have ever said anything negative about him before even knowing him in the first place, I would be more open to the idea, but now that it's necessary to have them know one another, the situation is difficult.
How can I go about making things easy for all of us? This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, and it's already extremely stressful.
On top of that, I was the one to propose (remember what I said about being non-traditional?) and I bought my own ring, and of course she had an issue with that, and now I'm convinced she doesn't even take my engagement seriously now. She seems to think it's her decision whether or not I marry him.
I feel so bad for Fiance because she has had negative things to say about him for the past three years, despite hardly knowing him. And the reason I don't bring him around is entirely because of these negative prejudgments she has. If she wouldn't have ever said anything negative about him before even knowing him in the first place, I would be more open to the idea, but now that it's necessary to have them know one another, the situation is difficult.
How can I go about making things easy for all of us? This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, and it's already extremely stressful.
Re: Issues with MY mother
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
AND have you said "Mom- I love you and want to have you in my life. But right now, that's becoming harder and harder. If we continue on the path we're on, I really don't know what the future holds for us. I don't want to feel like this. I want you involved, I want you to be a part of my life. How can we get there?".
Anyways, to answer some questions, my mother is very judgmental overall. Several other members of the family have had similar complaints about how she judges people and things so harshly so quickly. I understand it's human nature to judge people quickly, but I don't think she needs to air her grievances with his appearance with me so often, especially at this point when we've been together so long. My mom is very her way or the high way. She thinks anyone who doesn't think like her is weird and different and should be avoided, and similarly, anything she doesn't understand, she dislikes. I'm not expecting my mom to love my fiance for his looks or anything like that, I just primarily need her to get over it and look past those things.
Have I talked to my mother about this? Absolutely. But she and I both have dominant personalities, so it's hard to come to a happy conclusion without there being a fight. And this has been the case for many years, long before I even met my fiance. That's just how we are. I'm trying to move past that, however. I'd love for my mom to be on board with everything going on in my life, but it's difficult when we disagree on so many things.
Finally, Fiance and I don't plan on having any children so that entire tactic is out.
I do appreciate the advice, though. I'll try my best to have a real, calm, sit down conversation with her about these things. May need a referee though.
Also, there can't be a fight if there is only one person fighting. Meaning - the "talk" starts to go down that path? Disengage, walk away.
Some if this might also be accepting that you can't change your mom. Trying to make her see your side may simply not work. From that, figure out what you want. Her in your life but your upset and annoyed w her, or her not in your life quite so much but you a little more peace an quiet b
I think all you can do is when talking to your mom is talk about all the wonderful things about your FI, you know all the things you love about him. How well he treats you, makes you happy and anything else. Because of her attitude she hasn't gotten to know him so the only way that she can get to know him is based on what you tell her. Tell her even about the small things, like it was so wonderful coming home the other day after work and he had done... (dishes, laundry, dinner, etc).
It probably probably take time but hopefully that will help her see how much you love him and happy he makes you and how good he treats you and supports you and in the end I think that is what parents want for their kids. Good luck!