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H
Tonight we ate dinner with the in-laws. Right before dinner my husband disappeared to his old bedroom to "check-on" something. Okay, fine, sometimes he just disappears there and leaves me awkwardly sitting there with his parents or alone. Short version: His parents are semi-hoarders and I can only go in the ground floor of their house since they are too embarrassed to let me see the upper levels and basement. After about 15 min or so I called up to him to let him know dinner was served and sitting on the table. It's usually a bad habit of him to disappear just as dinner's served to go to the bathroom, change his clothes or start a new chapter in a book.
When I called up, I got a snippy response that he was looking for something and would be down in a few (turned out to be 10) minutes. When he finally came downstairs something seemed off. I asked him what was going on as did his mother. He mentioned that he was missing money which he had hidden in his old dresser. His parents and I were both shocked. As it turns out his parents had furnace repair guys in the past few days and they had to go in to all the bedrooms due to radiator issues. They didn't watch the workers because they had no idea there was money hidden in his old bedroom. Knowing hubby was upset I offered to help look but was sternly told, "no."
When I asked my husband how much money was stolen he wasn't exactly sure. He said he knows the money was in there on Monday night when he was over there because he "checked" on it. After a few more times of checking, just to be sure it wasn't stuck in the back, he confessed that he had two other wads of cash in the dresser that hadn't been touched. I initially thought that the money was from one of his international trips since he saves money from other countries as a souvenir. He further went on to state that this was US dollars and he thinks it was somewhere in the area of $60.
Since he mentioned the two other wads of cash, I asked him 1) why he had money hidden at his parents house (I thought it very odd)? and 2) if maybe he was mistaken or might have grabbed it when he ran to store. My husband became even snippier and downright pissy with me when I asked him these questions. He skirted the answers, so I asked more directly. What the money was related to, work, trip, etc? His answer, "yeah, something like that" and he quickly changed the subject. He is 100% sure the money was in there since in order to get to the dresser via the horde you usually have to move several framed pieces of art to get to the dresser drawers. He even took all the drawers out, checked the bottoms and backs of dresser and removed all the clothes piece by piece. He seemed slightly upset with himself, but even acknowledged, "it was stupid to leave it there, that will teach me not to horde stuff."
Not finding the money, we finally left and went home. When we got home, he was extremely distant and emotionally cold which is a little abnormal. He went outside to shovel, came back in, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over his head declaring he was going to sleep about 2 1/2 hours earlier than normal. Essentially he said about 15 words to me after we arrived home. He refuses to call the company and tell them about their "employee" who was upstairs or even call the police. I tried talking to it, even offering to call the police for him, asked the name of the business to check with the BBB and even ask my cop friend for advice. He told me to leave him alone and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I told him I was sorry and asked if I did anything wrong. He yelled at me that he didn't have the energy to make "this" about me and rolled back over. I'm confused and hurt by his behavior. I even took a shower to cover up my sobbing so he wouldn't hear me. I feel weird that he has stuff hidden at his parent's house and won't even talk to me about it. I also want to help him, but don't know what else to do. I can't sleep I'm so upset over the situation. Suggestions? Do I have a right to feel this hurt or am I just being touchy?
Re: H
1. Why is he hiding things at his parents house?
2. Why is he so bent out of shape about $60?
3. Why the hell does he disappear randomly to go to areas of his parents house that you are "banned" from and leave you to socialize with his family alone?
4. Why are you apologizing when he's being a giant dick about this?
I'd have walked right up the steps to find out what the hell else he's hiding in that room. This whole thing is just all sorts of bizarre. I call BS that this is all about $60. He's got something else going on that he doesn't want you to know about OR he needs help for his issues if he's really this pissed off about $60. Who "hoards" $60 in the first place?
And yeah, this is so, so, so not about $60. Either he was hiding something else OR the issue isn't about the money as much as it is about HIM perhaps having "hoarding" tendencies too.
And a huge WTF to the fact that he just disappears. To change, or read a book? Huh?
This is what I want to know.
Moreover why are you permitting him to talk to you like you're a common skivvy?
Stand up for yourself and tell him to cut his nastiness the eff out.
This whole thing is strange. Again, where did you get this great big prize you married?
I'd have a sit down with him and ask for straight facts. If he gets all pissed off again I'd leave. It sounds like the tip of an iceberg to me.
edit: spelling
He's inattentive, evasive, he shuts down and pulls the divisive cold shoulder act when he refuses to talk about something, he's got a hidden stash of money (or so it seems; if we take the story about the money at face value) and he seems like an odd chap in general -- who leaves his spouse to change his clothes or to go read, elsewhere in the home of his parents????
AND he is purposely hiding something FROM YOU.
Why aren't you flaming mad, OP? You ought to be.
The bigger problem is that the OP is lax to stand up for herself.
And she refuses to find out what really is happening here.
He isn't your lord and master and he ain't the boss of you. Starting here and now, refuse to be spoken down to by your H and refuse to put up with his childish responses.
And tell him flat out he is not to leave you hanging in the lurch while he vanishes into the bowels of his parents home.
Enough is enough.
As for the money he's got at his parents' home?
Have an issue with that, too. WHY is he keeping money in his parents' house?
I see a problem with this, too --- how fully committed is he to you? It's like he can't make the transition to being a family with you --- he's got some sort of abnormal tie to his parents' home; he needed to break that tie years ago when he was old enough to move out and get his own place. How much of a grown up is he?
If he keeps up the snottiness and the bullshit with not tying up loose ends at their house (why is he keeping money over there, if this is money he is keeping at all??? Perhaps he is hiding something else!!!), demand he see a counselor with you --- and make it a must, for the continuation of his marriage.
If he refuses, rethink him.
Do you want a potential of 50 years of being spoken down to by your spouse? You willingly welcome 50 years of being treated like a wayward child when you ask him a question?
And you want 50 years of him hiding things from you?
I think not.
You aren't permitted to see the rest of the home? This in itself is very strange. You already know they are hoarders (and that's a sickness in itself; I can imagine what kind of a housekeeper your H is) --- are they hoarders are are they simply slobs that can't clean up their own mess? BIG DIFFERENCE.
You know what they are; why are they refusing to let you see the rest of the home??
And if they're so bloody embarrassed, they can get a maid service to clean up and get some company that specializes in removing junk from a home to do the job.
(and if their house is as bad as you say it is, I'd call the board of health on the downlow; what they have there is a fire hazard among other things)
You had a problem with his sister, who is an alleged horder also -- if you ask me, she's a slob and I'll bet your ILs are too -- and I'll bet your H is the same way. Not hoarders: SLOBS. And there is no way I'd put up with this, if I were you. You're not going to tell me "no he is not like that in his home." Because I am willing to bet he is --- and very doubtful he is cleaning up after himself.
I am wondering if your H is a bit more than odd or he's got some sort of social skills problem (who takes off and leaves his wife hanging in the lurch while he goes off to "change his clothes" or read???) or if he is merely just a pig who doesn't care about his wife at all.
This exactly:
I'd have walked right up the steps to find out what the hell else he's hiding in that room. This whole thing is just all sorts of bizarre. I call BS that this is all about $60. He's got something else going on that he doesn't want you to know about OR he needs help for his issues if he's really this pissed off about $60. Who "hoards" $60 in the first place?
Is he just strange, has he got a social skills problem or a learning disablity?
Or is he just a pig?
It's got to be one of the above. Or maybe both.
I would go right upstairs if I were you. How dare they treat you like a nobody -- and how come your wonderful husband -- when you became a couple with him and you went to his parents' home, never said "Sigmatam can see anything she wishes to see"???
You're only married to this jerk since November. Something is very weird here --- very weird -- and I would go right up those stairs and have a look. Giving you orders that you're not to see the rest of the house??? And you complied??? What are you -- a wayward child? or his equal???
This is weird, too: wow, ever heard of a smaller dresser???
Since I moved in with hubby before our marriage, I've been living out of those cloth storage bins. We can't move my larger 5' long dresser as it won't fit up the stairs of our current place. We won't be looking for a new house until late Winter/ Spring and don't plan on moving the dresser from storage until then. After 6 months, of digging clothes out of the cloth storage bins I'm going crazy. Clothes are flowing out of bins and bins are coming apart/bending/ etc. As of now we have 1 bedroom/ 1 closet and stuffing both our clothing in it is becoming a mess. Anyone have ideas short of buying all new bedroom furniture?
Hey all,
Thanks for the support and acknowledging I'm not crazy. Hubby broke down sobbing this morning over the whole situation. I told him point blank I was going to stay at my parents house for a while since he couldn't come clean with me.
As it turns out he's completely ashamed about his parents house and he just doesn't know how to deal with it. He didn't even know the money was in there until earlier in the week. Apparently it's been there for something like 18-20 years. He put it in the drawer when he got back from a trip and forgot about it. He really hasn't been able to get in the room since then, but had to move some stuff for the workers. He was also checking to see if we could get his dresser to our house in the process. Apparently, the upper levels of his parents house are so bad with the hoard that it is almost impossible to get the dresser out. His older sister (not the one who hoards) was telling me that he's been trying to get them to clean it so he can get his stuff out.
As for the not coming to dinner when called, he generally does that at our house. It got better when I started eating without him. He doesn't change at his parents house just tries to help them with small house stuff when we are over since his father is old and can't do it. His mother asked me after the first few months we knew eachother not to go upstairs ever since she was so embarrased; I decided to respect her wishes since it is her house and his older sister advised me it was bad. Hubby was actually going to sneak me upstairs at their house so I could see his old bedroom the next time we went out of town.
As for the money $60 is not an issue for us, but he also confessed it wasn't 60 dollars that it was a lot more--ie $250 ish. He didn't want to tell his parents the real amount. I don't know why, but it was one of the first things he mentioned this morning.
He's more angry with his parents for letting the house get that way, and we've even discussed calling social services to help them, but they've been picking up a little since we threatened. At our house I will admit, he's a bit messy, but he actually does more than half the cleaning. He tends to pick up pretty well since he doesn't want it to get or look like his parents house.
Until this morning I didn't realize he had so much pent up anger at his parents. I think he just doesn't know how to deal. He's generally not a jerk to me, so I was really taken aback by it yesterday. It was definitely uncharacteristic of him. His family all of them have avoidence issues and he admits he handles things badly because he doesn't know how to deal with it. My family is opposite, if there's a problem you say something.
I'm still hurt and angry by his behavior and he knows that. We discussed trying to move his stuff over here, but he just can't figure out how he will do it with all his parents stuff blocking the way. I was shocked he was so bitter about his parents this morning. You were right, there was a bigger issue. He moved home from college, but couldn't stay there since he couldn't get in his room.
Oh, and I know it sounds like I'm defending his behavior in the post. I'm not. Even he acknowledges it's not acceptable. I actually ended up yelling at him and reeming him out in front of his parents last night. It probably wasn't the best place to snap on him, but I very rarely hide my feelings. His parents even agreed that he was being a jerk to both his mother and I. His mom had the same questions as I did.
As for money, it's not a worry and we are financially stable. His account is our joint account. I have another account, but only because my student loans come out of there.
He's actually not upset over the amount, it's that he hesitated and left it at his parents house instead of doing the smart thing and taking the money home once he realized it was there. BTW, the rest of it is sitting in my wallet currently so I can put it in the bank. He's also angry with himself for not making the intelligent choice. I agree that he should be upset with himself for this and he knows it.
As an update his mother is missing jewelry as well. They think it was taken because the upstairs is such a hoard and they thought no one would notice a few missing pieces. Hubby and I actually think this may be a "good" thing since it may jog his parents into getting rid of the hoard.
It makes no sense to me at all.
Have you ever heard of the Neil Simon play Rumors?
There's this scene at the end of the play where a character makes up a fantastically outrageous cock and bull speech to fool a cop.
Whyyyy is this entire explanation you have been given by your H reminding me of that speech at the end of Rumors???
My point is this is weird and something isn't right here --- he did what?? "broke down sobbing"???? This already is fishy and just plain effed up.
First he shuts you out and then he acts like a first grader and then you get to walk on eggs...and now all of a sudden, he's Mr. Down To Earth Apologetic Guy???
I am wondering what you are in for with this guy -- and wow, how old is he??? Sounds like he's well into his 40s or older...and going on 8 years old.
He has probably lived with them for years --- and I'll bet he only left that house when he got together with you.
IF she was so upset about the house, he'd have taken the bull by the horns and did something about it.
Something here is not adding up. Sorry but I smell a big rat in this denominator.
What about how he has treated YOU?
He treated you like garbage, talked to you like a nobody and didn't care how you felt. You wound up walking on eggs around this guy and he didn't care.
This is truly amazing --- he left that money there years ago and he still recalls where it was put and what the exact amount was that is in that stash???
Something isn't right here. I don't know what's going on upstairs but what it is is that something's amiss -- he is hiding something. What was so fascinating that he had to "check on" that he was gone for such a long time?
You married him in November. That's a scant 4 months ago.
And there already are so many problems in this marriage --- problems that existed before you got married. I can't figure out what you saw in this guy that you thoght he merited marriage to you.
How he has treated you is unacceptable. This is bordering on an anger management problem -- and what is his game plan for fixing how he has mistreated you???
What about that???
I appreciate your advice, but I think you are jumping the gun on "so many problems in the marriage" and even misunterstood parts of it. Every couple argues or fights occasionally. We've essentially had two arguments since we've been married. Last night was one of the two. I know my husband is telling the truth about his parents hoarding since it is one of his family's touchy points. His older sister, says it's been getting progressivly worse at his parents house for 25 years. Only his mother and other sister can't acknowledge the hoarding, since they are the hoarders. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's what hoarding is.
You are right, he acted like a second grader and threw a temper tantrum. He had a temper tantrum because he's mad with himself and with his parents for letting his parents house get so bad. He is also worried about their house since they are in their 80's and his father is having surgery soon. He admits it was a dick move of him to do this to me. If he had a history of being a jerk, it would be a whole other board game. And yes...I told him he should go to counseling to help him find a better way to deal with these issues. As for helping his elderly parents with some house work and computer issues, I think that is fairly normal. My brother in law remodeled my parents laundry room. If hubby ignored his elderly parents I'd be more pissed.
I can understand him being upset, I just don't want it taken out on me, which I made extremely clear. You make it sound like he's abusive. One time of being an jerk, does not make this a chronic problem. He actually did not want to discuss the entire situation in front of his parents because he was so angry and disgusted with them. As he brought up to his mom, who lets workers in the house and doesn't watch them. I mean running upstairs and barging through his parents cluttered mess seems extremely immature and rude when his mother asked me not to go in certain parts of her house since she is so embarrassed. I mean, do you dig through all you in-laws' possessions? I don't think that is moral or wise. I mean after all, I was there as her guest.
As for the dresser in his old room we really needed another one since we are purging our current home of his family's crap. He decided to see what was in the dresser, since he had no idea what was in there. He wanted to check it out (while making room for the handymen) to see what it would take to move it over to our house. I give him points for trying to get us more storage space. As it turns out it is some of his old clothes and the random cash. He checked what was in there, but stupidly left the money since he we were going out to dinner and didn't want all that cash on hand.
As for accusing him of living with mommy and daddy for his adult life, it is false. I know for a fact he has lived in his current house for about 13 years. I highly doubt both his older sister who is in her 50's and our mutal friend (who I've known 20+ years) and who has known him 13+ years would both lie to me. He's lived here since after his sister's, the last resident's, wedding. It's a family owned house, so we've had to make tweaks and de-clutter immensely. I have carte blanche to toss anything I want. Together we are working on house to make it accommodate our needs. Hubby and I are on the same page as far as this house. Make it livable and house hunt when weather gets better. He told me 2 years before we got married that he didn't want to stay in his current place. I thought he was overreacting about it. I didn't realize the amount of work we would need to put in to his house.
BTW, our other fight was over a mess of mine, since he tripped over my shoes and fell down the stairs. As a result we've installed shoe racks in our house.
Sorry to disappoint, with the lack of a "big" hidden secret on his point, but there isn't one, aside from his humiliation and misplaced anger over the conditions of his parents house. He came clean and was honest.
Oh, coming late to the dinner table was acceptable in his family growing up. One other poster had a husband whose family did that too. His nephews do that all the time, or even leave before dinner's over. I think its unstructured and poor parenting, but not everyone is raised the same way. My husband hates when I eat without him. When he doesn't come down at the time dinner is called I start eating w/o him. I've also found giving him a 5 min warning for dinner has helped get him to table too.
Finally, I am trying to get his parents to call police, but they won't because of aforementioned house. You can't force someone to call the police. While they have their issues, his parents are still adults. Hubby is suffering with acknowledging his stupidity and with the loss of his money.
I still think it's odd and rude that he leaves you alone with his family to go "check on something" or "read a book". I get that it was acceptable in his house growing up but he's a grown ass man at this point and there's no excuse.
And he still hasn't told you why he lied about how much money it was.
It really seems like he's still hiding something.
My ILs aren't hoarders, but they DO keep stuff too long. It's all in closets and out of view, but even that small bit of keeping stuff they don't need/ won't use (like clothes in dry cleaning bags from over 20 years ago), etc, but come up w/ lame reasons why they can't get rid of it... even using that as a basis of comparison - yes, I can actually see how your DH is just so pissed and embarrassed at where his parents have gone.
The whole money thing IS still odd. But - you know, I've gone through some stressful situations and what I've learned - people don't always act rationally when overly upset or stressed. It's easy for us on the outside to nitpick this and think it's bigger than it is, when it really might be he was just so upset, he wasn't thinking straight. IT DOES HAPPEN.
But - I still think that he might benefit from some counseling.