Trying to find a system that works.

ashley925 · March 2014

My H and I are completely different when it comes to money. I'm a saver. I can hold onto a dollar for a year if I have to. I'm cheap when it comes to groceries. And I hardly ever buy anything for myself. I had to become this way more so because my husband spends money ALL THE TIME. He starts projects that he never finishes, throwing away hundreds in the process. He trades for things on Craigslist that end up costing him money out of his pocket. Etc, etc. It wouldn't be such a bad thing if A: we had money to throw around and B: he would actually TELL me before he went out to spend it. I've been trying to find a budget system that works for us, but it's so hard to keep him on track, and then I lose my motivation in the process. At one point we seemed to be fine, but recently a snowball of events has left us really wiped out for the past few months.

What kind of systems have worked for you guys? How have you blended your differences in finances?

lifeonthehill · March 2014

H and I are lucky that we both were basically on the same page from the start. H wants to save and I want to pay off debt. After a lot of talking we found a compromise.

I say talk to him about it. Set out specific goals and work towards them together. Set aside designated fun money. We get $50 each a month to spend on whatever the heck we want no questions asked but when it is gone it is gone and we have to wait until the 1st to get the next $50. Good Luck!

jessica490 · March 2014

When we joined our finances, we got on the same page. Every time we get paid, we pay our bills, give ourselves an allowance, leave a little cushion in our checking account for gas and whatever, then we put the rest in our savings accounts ( house down payment, e-fund and vacation). That way there is no question as to where the money is going to go.

vlagrl29 · March 2014

Luckily we think the same as well as far as finances are concerned. We jointly combined our checking and savings, but have separate business accounts and retirement accounts. If I were in your position I would either let him be in charge of everything so he can see when the money runs out OR keep your finances separate so you don't have to worry about it. That would drive me nuts!

Xstatic3333 · March 2014

PP have great ideas. You'll have to do a little trial and error to see what works best for you.

We are a little bit like you and your H. Honestly, what really helped us was just getting H to get on the same page as me. He went a little house crazy after our wedding , and I made him see that if we want a house, we need to do X, Y, and Z to get financially ready. Having a limited amount of discretionary "fun" money for each of us also helped. And I can't lie, there may have been some nagging involved :P

ta78 · March 2014

Setting our goals and making our 5 year plan has really helped us get on the same page.

spalko · March 2014

Can you show your H on paper what he is spending and how that money could be used for your family? Maybe him actually seeing how much you have coming in vs. how much is going out he'll realize that his spending is a bit out of hand. Maybe allowing X amount each month for fun money would be a place to start. Discuss what would be a logical amount for each person then go from there. This way you aren't cutting him off completely but making him realize he only has so much money each month to blow.

hoffse · March 2014

H used to be a spender until his last couple of years of law school. We got engaged, and I basically pointed out that every dollar of his loan money he spent was being borrowed at nearly 8% interest. I told him that when we got married I would support him as much as possible, but I could not afford to pay his tuition, his rent (he goes to school in a different city), and support his spending at current levels. So I challenged him to reduce his spending so that we were primarily spending money we had earned, rather than money we were borrowing.

He made a huge effort to cut back, and it's kind of become a game to him to see what kind of deals he can nab. In the process he has gotten even cheaper than me (which is saying something), and he now lives on about $250-$300/month outside of his rent, tuition, and textbooks (which are budgeted out of his loans). That includes his gas, groceries, clothing, entertainment, insurance, etc. In fact, I'm now able to subsidize his rent because he has cut back his spending so much.

I think the key is to develop common goals. One of our goals when we got engaged was to graduate with a combined student debt below a certain threshold. We already knew what my debt was when we got engaged, but his was still up in the air. He's close enough to graduation that I know we will meet that goal.

Our next goal is to buy a house. That means continuing to live the way we have been so that we can get together our down payment.

Talk to your H and try to get on the same page. If you can't, then I would go separate with the finances. While I generally think that marital money should stay joint, the big major exception for me is when you have a spender that absolutely cannot be reigned in by the saver. The saver should not suffer because of that, after efforts have been made to address the problem.

smbenevides1989 · March 2014

I've always been the spender along with H, but when he lost his job 2 months before our wedding, we realized we really need to cut back a lot. I really buckled down spending wise since I read Total Money Makeover. H has definitely gotten better, but not without making a big credit card mistake. I now give him $30/week to spend on whatever he wants. I stick with $10/week because I don't need to spend like he does. If I need it I budget it.

I have taken over the bills in our household and divy it up to where the money needs to go. I have been able to pay off all our credit cards except one so far, and this started in September.

Definitely talk to him about the budget. Show him how much money is being thrown out from his foolishness. If he cannot see past that, separate the bills and have him pay his own.

Another option would be the envelope system. You place so much money in envelopes for certain things (groceries, gas, fun, eating out, etc.) once that money is gone - its gone. No more credit cards, debit cards, etc. What you have is what you have.

KatieCutie05 · March 2014

People keep saying "get on the same page"- But its one thing to say "lets work on paying off our debt" and entirely other thing to actually DO it. You NEED a plan. A concrete month by month budget with exactly how much you can put toward your short term goal that month, then the next. And agreeing together to never use credit cards and just make sure you don't spend more then you bring in. We follow Dave Ramsey's plan - which was great for us because it gave us a mutual plan to follow and a mutual goal to work toward. And he's got a lot of great tips about how to work together on money. The "budget meeting" works well for us. I make the budget because i'm the math nerd but DH gets a vote. Its not finalized until DH approves it. We do this every month. DH still goes over about 20-30 a month on his spending but through his second job he also brings in an extra 700 so i can't be too mad. Its not about cutting expenses as much as it is - giving yourself a limit. Talk to him about your future goals and how you will attain them. Tell them you don't want to control him, you just want to work with him so you can attain all your dreams.

I will always be the frugal saver and DH will always be a spender but what i've realized is - thats okay. Its okay to be different. We need each other and now that we're actually working together on the same plan we use each others strengths. I'm there to help him tame his spending habit and make sure he doesn't and he's there to make sure i actually have a life! DH and I both got 150 dollars for Christmas. His was gone in a week and he's still talking about all the other things he needs. Mine is still around - Actually I wanted to put it toward our debt but DH wouldn't let me... Finally a few weeks ago i spent some of it but i could put the rest to my car payment and never miss it. I might use it to pick up some new clothes cus I know DH will tell me to spend it and he's right - it was a gift. My point is when you start working together - you begin to realize how much you need each other and those annoying differences begin to fill in your imperfections. He's strong where i'm weak and vice versa.

Erikan73 · March 2014

Both of us use to be spenders, him worse then me which I realized shortly before marrying him. But I started helping him figure things out and working to pay off debts. Now we each put a set amount into our checking account and that money is only allowed to be touched for bills. We each get our allowance, me I prefer cash, him on his individual checking account because he prefers to use his debit card (we have our allowance money deposited into our own individual checking accounts). Like another PP, once allowance money is gone, it's gone and what we use it for is our own business. But anything that would take money from the joint checking, we have to discuss first. I finally got him last month to sit down and look at the spreadsheet that I've been doing to keep track of expenses & income and I think it finally hit him, we don't have much wiggle room for extras by the end of the month so he asks first now.

Mom987 · March 2014

DH is typically on the same page as me, which is nice, but sometimes I have to remind him "how are we going to pay the house off early if you spend like this" and "how are we going to afford two kids in daycare" so I talk about the goals that he wants so he can think about it more. We also had to replace pipes and pull from our e-fund, so he even said "looks like I won't be buying lunches this month" which is good, he should rarely buy lunches.

good luck to you both!

formerlyGDaisy09 · March 2014

H is the same way, or rather when he needs something he goes a bit overboard, a few years ago he took up running, rather than buying a couple pairs of shorts and t-shirts to rotate he dropped like $500 on running gear without telling me, and this was before we were married, I found out when we were buying out house that he charged it and had been making minimum payments.

for us buying the house was a changing point, H realized he had to get his spending under control if we were ever going to do it.

I made up an excel sheet, that we keep on google docs that is essentially a balance sheet. It's got all our money that comes in on one side and all the money we owe to various places on the other. then it has a cell for groceries, eating out, vet bills, essential shopping (pet food, cat litter, toilet paper, dish soap...), and a cell for extra spending. at the bottom of the sheet I calculate out what's left at the end of the month and divide it up amongst our savings accounts(nicely labled savings, vacation, e-fund, car, house projects, so when he thinks about spending extra he sees what he's taking away from). for eating out I calculate it as a percentage of what is left at the end of the month, so we have a budget for that.

the sheet helps H see what we're working with, our rule is we have a conversation if we're spending more than $20 on something, and anything that money gets spent on goes in the sheet...from a pack of gum, to a haircut....

this has helped H get a real idea of what we're working with and understand where all our money goes every month. and he can plug something into the sheet and get an idea if its even in the relm of possibilities before we talk about it. and it helps me know exactly what to transfer to our savings accounts at the end of the month.

hoffse · March 2014

PP made a good point that it's one thing to "get on the same page" and another thing entirely to do it.

I think the biggest issue in the short-term is your H spending money without telling you. That makes budgeting difficult. The first step to "getting on the same page" is overcoming this problem. You need to find a happy medium where you aren't questioning every purchase, but you ARE talking about purchases that are taking away from meeting your common goal (house, vacation, debt repayment, etc.). Sometimes it's fine to splash out on a new gadget or toy, but he shouldn't be doing it without at least running it by you first.

I do actually watch our accounts very closely - more for fraudulent charges than anything else - but I suspect it also makes my H really think about the things he needs vs. the things he wants. I will never wonder about a $100 Costco purchase from him - but I'll definitely ask if the $100 is coming from Best Buy... My H knows that we WILL have that conversation at some point, and it's always better to talk about it before the money is spent. As a result we do discuss most purchases outside of the mundane groceries, gas, etc. It also means we stick to our goals better.

formerlyGDaisy09 · March 2014

I do actually watch our accounts very closely - more for fraudulent charges than anything else - but I suspect it also makes my H really think about the things he needs vs. the things he wants. I will never wonder about a $100 Costco purchase from him - but I'll definitely ask if the $100 is coming from Best Buy... My H knows that we WILL have that conversation at some point, and it's always better to talk about it before the money is spent. As a result we do discuss most purchases outside of the mundane groceries, gas, etc. It also means we stick to our goals better.

I do this too! it helps. The biggest one H know's will lead to a conversation is when he withdraws cash from our checking account. Most often it isn't a problem and sometimes he'll even send me a text along the lines of "i took $20 out of the account, i needed cash to pay for parking".

My H is also a big impulse shopper at the grocery store, he'll go in for milk and come out with a 12 pack of good beer, ice cream, and maybe some candy in addition to the milk (not that I don't like beer and ice cream), I think knowing that I'm going to check the account helps him check himself a bit...if I only asked him to pick up milk I probably won't question a $10 grocery store charge (often he'll be low on cereal or something) but if all we needed was milk and there's a $40 charge for the grocery store you can bet we're going to talk about it.

brij2006 · March 2014

We are opposites when it comes to what page we're on. H is a spender, I'm a saver then spender. So I like to save up like crazy, then spend one lump sum on something big. He would rather spend $100-200 here and there.

What helped us get on the same "game plan" was Dave Ramseys Total Money Makeover. Now we sit down and do the budget together each month. We also have set out goals for what we want after getting debt free, and what the gameplan in for that.

This has helped us both understand why we're putting the money in places, and what it's doing. I get the satisfaction of my save and spend by putting aside money each week into a separate account. Then at the end of the month I write out a big check that goes toward the debt. H gets satisfaction by seeing our car maintenance budget and making it work to do modifications to his toy car and upgrades to ours (he's a car guy).

So it's all about working together to an end goal. We know that our end goal is to be able to move forward with fertility treatment and not worry about the financial portion of it. We both had to change our ways of thinking in order to move toward that.

Trying to find a system that works.

Re: Trying to find a system that works.

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