Always felt older than I am, but he's probably the opposite?

Re: Always felt older than I am, but he's probably the opposite?

• WendyGR member

  

  March 2014

  You need to be absolutely on the same page if you plan to marry this guy. If he never wants kids or a house but you do, that's a recipe for disaster and you should think about finding someone with similar life goals.

  Report3 Reply
• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  March 2014

  I agree with Wendy, but I also have to wonder just how young you are, and if you're on some level playing the part of the "mature for her age young woman" rather than truly experiencing life.
  

  

  Report4 Reply
• LizzyCee member

  

  March 2014

  Because I've received a lot of judgment and criticism in the past, I don't like to directly state my age.  I'm in my twenties.  I believe it's unfair to assume that any woman around my age who behaves differently is "playing a part".  Everyone is different, and that should be fine.  My perception of enjoying life is likely different than yours.  
  
  I do appreciate the feedback.  I think I need to warn him ahead of time and have a sit-down conversation.  

  Report0 Reply
• TarponMonoxide member

  

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  LizzyCee said:

  My fiance and I are young.  People that don't know me think I look like I'm 16, and people that get to know me think I'm nearing my thirties.  I've always behaved as if I was older than I really am.  I've never been big on going out drinking with friends or staying out late.  Because of this, I've done a lot of thinking about the future of our marriage.  Of course he wants absolutely nothing to do with this.  He's mentioned that he wants to continue living in an apartment and has no intention of settling in one place.  This is a relatively new discovery I've made after being with him for four years.  Am I wrong to be discussing homes, a family, etc. right now, even if I don't intend on starting on any of this for years?

  He wants to more or less get wedded bliss, but where he can celebrate that oneness in his own apartment, minus you?
  
  Did I understand you correctly: he wants to keep his own apartment and live in it alone after you are married?
  
  This is not good.
  
  Either he has an independence problem, he's got some kind of fear of leaving *his place* behind or he  is not willing to commit fully to you and share everything with you.
  
  I'd stop look and listen and put this engagement on hold until you get to the bottom of this, with a counselor's help.
  
  Do not marry him until this issue is fully resolved.
  
  If he refuses counseling, refuse marriage to him.
  

  Report0 Reply
• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  March 2014

  It's not an assumption based on age, really, especially since I don't actually know your age - it's something you're unconsciously expressing in what you're saying here, that I'm picking up on.
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• Xstatic3333 member

  

  March 2014

  I took it as him wanting you two to live in apartments and move around together, but correct me if I'm wrong OP. Desires and circumstances can change, but you're not wrong for wanting to talk about this stuff before getting married. Before we got married, I knew that my H and I both wanted 1-2 kids and wanted to wait a few years before trying. We also figured out that we wanted to buy a house in the country, but not until we were very financially ready. These types of conversations are important. That said, we don't let thinking about the future derail us from enjoying the stuff going on now, like our new jobs and our travel plans.
  
  Bottom line, you do need to talk about it and make sure you're on the same page. However have fun in the now too, even if going out drinking isn't what you find fun. Go for hiking, museums, volunteering, a church group, yoga, etc. Whatever you can enjoy in the now, both with and without your FI.

  Report0 Reply
• VOR member

  

  March 2014

  For the fact that you seem to relate the normal behavior for your age group to be about drinking and staying out late, and because you don't do that, people thing you're older - I'm going to sit down next to Kuus. Yes, in my 20s, I did a lot of that. But I also did a lot of other stuff too. And I've known plenty of people who didn't do that - who weren't into the bar scene. But they weren't focused on buying homes and getting married either. They had interests that they spent their time pursuing. There isa HUGE spectrum of people, hobbies, interests etc. It's not "drink" vs "settling down". You seem kind of limited in your views of the world, TBH.

  Report3 Reply
• sillygoosegirl member

  

  March 2014

  If you think you might marry him someday, you absolutely should be talking about stuff like that, even if it is still way off in the distance.

  
  

  If you don't think you might marry him someday, or don't think you want to marry him someday, you've been in this relationship somewhere between 2 and 4 years too long.  

  Report0 Reply
• Sillygirl45 member

  

  March 2014

  
  

  LizzyCee said:

  My fiance and I are young.  People that don't know me think I look like I'm 16, and people that get to know me think I'm nearing my thirties.  I've always behaved as if I was older than I really am.  I've never been big on going out drinking with friends or staying out late.  Because of this, I've done a lot of thinking about the future of our marriage.  Of course he wants absolutely nothing to do with this.  He's mentioned that he wants to continue living in an apartment and has no intention of settling in one place.  This is a relatively new discovery I've made after being with him for four years.  Am I wrong to be discussing homes, a family, etc. right now, even if I don't intend on starting on any of this for years?

  Hold on a second...he wants nothing to do with planning your future? BIG RED FLAG.

  
  

  This is a new discovery after being together for four years? Another BIG RED FLAG.

  
  

  Maybe your first love isn't your last. That's what being young and gathering experience is about. Figuring out what you will and won't put up with. No one is perfect. But, there are things you can compromise on and there are deal breakers. 

  
  

  No one gets a medal for sticking it out with an incompatible partner. 

  
  

  You need to have an honest sit down conversation. My concern is he will just tell you what you want to hear and give you the "someday" explanation. You don't have to wait around for "someday" and hope he follows through. Think about it.

  Report0 Reply
• TarponMonoxide member

  

  March 2014

  I think the OP needs to clarify the entire post. Verify what she means --- it looks to me like he doesn't even want to live with her after they are married.
  
  Maybe I interpreted it incorrectly. At any rate, she needs to clarify.
  
  Sounds like this is not the guy for her.
  

  Report1 Reply
• artbyallie member

  

  March 2014

  It really should not be an "of course" that the person you're planning to marry does not want to discuss your future at all. That's kind of the exact opposite of the attitude that a soon-to-be spouse should have.

  Report0 Reply
• GilliC member

  

  March 2014

  You absolutely need to be open for discussing these things, and you need to be on the same page. It sucks to find out that someone you really love has completely different plans for life, but it happens, and you can't avoid those subjects just because you don't want to face the uncomfortable truths.

  
  

  If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you go through something like The Hard Questions and really sit down and talk about things. It won't be fun. Sorry. But it will be a lot less painful than sweeping things under the carpet and then trying to figure out what to do about them ten years down the line when there may be children involved.

  
  

  http://www.amazon.com/The-Hard-Questions-100-Before/dp/1585426210/
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• Maybride2 member

  

  March 2014

  Is it that he never ever ever wants to settle down, get married and all that? Or is it that he doesn't want to do it RIGHT THIS MINUTE? Because when I was in my early 20s (which I'm assuming you and him are), I wasn't ready to promise anyone a plan for my future. Yes, I eventually wanted to get married and have a house and have kids........but I wasn't going to hammer out a timeline and sign it with blood, so there wasn't much to discuss about it. But this doesn't mean that I spent my early 20s drunk and sleeping around; the fact that you think that that's what "normal" 20-somethings do and that you not being like that makes you special leads me to believe that you're incredibly sheltered and probably don't actually know many people in their 20s. Are you in school? Are you working? Do you have your own place? There is a huge middle ground between partying every night and being "settled down", and it's actually a super wonderful time of your life to cherish. But whatever - if your boyfriend has told you that he never ever ever wants the same future that you envision for yourself, then you'd be a fool to stay in this relationship.

  

  Report1 Reply
• Erikan73 member

  

  March 2014

  I think it's fair to think that the apartment thing will change as he gets older. In my twenties I didn't want to have to deal with the responsibility of taking care of a house or the financial part of it. I liked not having to deal with repairs or yard work, but as I got older that changed. And I get if he is also in his mid 20's he probably isn't thinking too much about the future like retirement.

  But I think after four years in a relationship it's fair to sit him down & go, I'm not looking for marriage proposal right now & I don't want kids soon (unless you do then that changes things) but looking down the road, can you see yourself married? Do you want kids someday? Can you see yourself settling down in an area developing roots? After four years, it's important to know these things. These are things that can make or break a relationship. Then based on his answers you have to decide what you are going to do. He could be like my nephew & his GF, they have a 5 year plan, they have been together almost 2 years, and living together for 1 (they are both in mid 20's). Their plan is after 5 years if they are still together then they will talk marriage. I know they have talked about marriage & kids, etc. They just want to be in date mode for 5 years & have fun with their friends before settling down & starting a family. For them they feel like marriage means you have to buy a house, have kids, etc. For now they want enjoy each other & explore life together. And who knows, maybe your BF has the same attitude, but it's important to make sure you agree on where things are going for the two you

  Report0 Reply
• Sillygirl45 member

  

  March 2014

  I think a big issue here is you say he is your fiancé. Not a boyfriend. You really should have come to an agreement on these things long before agreeing to get married.

  
  

  Do yourself a favor and don't put off these discussions now. Why waste your time if he's not on or going to be on the same page. 

  Report0 Reply
• Kimbus22 member

  

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  Based on your defensiveness and refusal to just tell us how old you are, I'm guessing early 20s.  Which means you really don't need to be actively working on these things now. But you do need to know if you're going to work on them in the future.  At this point, there's no reason for you to be engaged if he's not willing to talk about the future.  You guys need to have an actual talk.  Is it that he needs 5 or 10 more years before he wants to settle down and have a house and children?  Or is is just that he really doesn't see himself wanting these things at all.  Because those are two very different scenarios.
  
  But I got married young.  I was always more responsible and settled than DH.  But he did a LOT of growing up between 20 and 30.  A lot. Stuff that seemed decades away to him at 22 or 23 was all a reality by 30.  And it wasn't me pushing for them.  It was me making it clear that I expected those things to happen and that he was free to go if he didn't want them too.  Then I followed his lead when he felt ready.
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• Tofumonkey member

  

  March 2014

  LizzyCee said:

  Because I've received a lot of judgment and criticism in the past, I don't like to directly state my age.  I'm in my twenties.  I believe it's unfair to assume that any woman around my age who behaves differently is "playing a part".  Everyone is different, and that should be fine.  My perception of enjoying life is likely different than yours.  
  
  I do appreciate the feedback.  I think I need to warn him ahead of time and have a sit-down conversation.  

  The issue I have with this isn't you or your age, it's his. It's not about enjoying life - it's about enjoying a stage of life - being young and carefree and not tied down by the 3 m's (marriage, mortgage and midgets/ kids). It doesn't mean drinking all the time and being a feckless layabout. It means enjoying your early twenties. Traveling. Having adventures. Making stupid mistakes and having a great time. Developing as a person.
  
  You may be ready to talk about and plan the future, but he's not. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with him or his views - he's enjoying this stage, either let him and enjoy it with him or find someone more in tune with progressing to the 'next' stage early, as you are.
  

  
  

  
  Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
  I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!

  
  http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk

  Report2 Reply
• Sillygirl45 member

  

  March 2014

  I absolutely spent my 20's staying out late, drinking, traveling, and having fun with my friends. I also had a good job, my own apartment, my own car, and put myself through college.

  
  

  It doesn't have to be one or the other. It is possible to be working toward your future and enjoying the stage of life you're at. You don't ever get to go back again, may as well enjoy it while you're there. You don't have to be out bar hopping every night if that's not your thing, but take time to sit back and enjoy whatever it is you enjoy about this stage of your life. 

  
  

  Again, I just don't understand why he's your FI. What caused the two of you to get engaged when he won't talk about what he wants his future to look like and you want to plan it now? You guys just aren't on the same page. 

  Report1 Reply