Family Matters
HiThere674
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How do you handle this?
My husband and I are moving really far away. With all of the drama of moving and some things with my husband's work we are not even considering having any family member visit us and therefore not asking anyone over. Without going into too much of an issue here, my husband and I will not even be moved into a house but will be staying in a hotel from a month to who knows how long and our things will arrive who knows when (it's a long story) however this has not stopped family relatives (primarily my side) from trying to invite themselves over. I have already explained that this is not an option and with things being too hectic, its not a good idea which leads to "Well, after everything calms down (who knows when that is) when can we come over?" This means getting plane tickets and everything.
I hate having to appease everyone but the family members who have constantly asked aren't getting the hint that once we do settle down the new home is not going to be opened like a hotel. I want to have time to explore my surroundings and because I work at home, get myself better situated as well as my husband getting to know his new workplace. Also, these family members have not taken "No" seriously and had already visited us a couple of months ago and even though I love my relatives, I just want to have time with just my husband and I after such a move. How do you be polite but assertive in saying a simple "No,its not good for us."?
I hate having to appease everyone but the family members who have constantly asked aren't getting the hint that once we do settle down the new home is not going to be opened like a hotel. I want to have time to explore my surroundings and because I work at home, get myself better situated as well as my husband getting to know his new workplace. Also, these family members have not taken "No" seriously and had already visited us a couple of months ago and even though I love my relatives, I just want to have time with just my husband and I after such a move. How do you be polite but assertive in saying a simple "No,its not good for us."?
Re: How do you handle this?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
However, what else is going on here? After your initial move - yes, I can understand needing time. Especially if your going to be living in a hotel! But once you're in a home... why so resistant to people coming? I personally find this "we need time for just us" a bit odd - especially as you're not talking about next week. You're talking about at least a month to "who knows how long". If it takes 6 months to get into a house - are you STILL going to then insist "no one can visit because we need MORE time "just for us""??
What is it about these people that you don't want them to visit?
Are they your family or your DHs? Where does he stand on this?
As far as your house being a hotel - you can very much limit how long people stay. they want to come for a week? Say "we'd love for you to visit, but we won't be able to host you for a week".
Or "we just had visitors last month. We'd love for you to visit, but we really only have time for a long weekend.".
OR if it's REALLY that big of an issue, set the precedent right at the start of "We'd love to see you. Unfortunately we won't be able to have you stay in our home. I have a list of local hotels.".
You push back enough, you're wishy-washy enough, you say "no" enough.... it may turn into where your family decides "to hell with it" and figures you don't EVER want them to come so... they don't come. Ever.
And then 2, 5, 10 years from now, you'll be complaining that no one ever makes the effort to come see you.
Until you tell us different, I'm going to assume your family is excited for you. And a part of their desire to visit is to see your new city, to get a sense of what your life will be like, to still feel connected to you. Even if you welcomed them w/ open arms- I will tell you that the excitement on their end will wear off in time.
Years ago, DH and I moved to a new city. The first year, we had visitors every month. Our friends and family thought it was cool and they wanted to come see us. We embraced it and LOVED having them come. But after the first year? The excitement wore off. They still visited us, but not NEARLY as much.
I can only imagine if DH and I had been like "NO! no visitors!!!! We need OUR time. We'll let you know when you can come. It might not be for a LONG time!". It would have impacted their excitement and I'd bet you a million bucks that by the time we said "come visit!!", they would have been "eh, we'll see" about it.
So again... be careful what you wish for.
As for the time after being settled it...I admit I was being silly. It was late when I wrote the entry and was feeling some resentment. I want to be settled in, not just with the move but with my work until people come and some of the statements here are right.
There is some truth though that there are certain family members who I have bad feelings towards towards because I feel like they only call me when they need something like money but won't call just to say hi. After having them in my house for a couple of days, they were really rude and then complained the entire time because I couldn't put work on hold while they were there.To be fair, it was a busy time for me job-wise and I did try to make time but it was hard to balance everything. I also felt criticized for how I cooked and cleaned. It is these relatives I would rather not see any time soon.
Your first paragraph makes more sense. And I still say "don't over explain". They ask to come visit, just say "We'll let you know when it's a good time once we get settled". They push? "We'll let you know when it's a good time once we get settled". They get upset and talk about plane tickets? "We'll let you know when it's a good time once we get settled".
Over and over and over. Seriously- just saying the same thing over and over WILL drive home the point. And if they say "why do yo ukeep saying that?". You just say "because there is nothing else to say. We'll let you know....".
As for the rude guests - truly, you can either limit their stay, OR you actually don't have to let them stay in your home with you. You REALLY don't. I know it's the norm in many families and it's nice to extend that offer when they have to pay to fly there. BUT you still don't HAVE to do it. And if they have a problem with it? Well then, they don't have to come....
Tell them "in the beginning we'll be living in a hotel, so you're welcome to come out to XXX state, but you'll have to get your own hotel room. We can suggest some that are close to our extended stay suite if you'd like. We'll let you know when our situation changes and we have a house."
If you have relatives who are ingrates - you can always draw the line and say "immediate family only stays with us - - you'll have to get a hotel room." You need to have the b*lls to stand up for yourself and say "no." Maybe think with your husband about what is a "Yes" with you (long weekend visits, visits where you don't cook or entertain, immediate family and bff's only), and what the "no's" are (distant relatives, rude relatives, more than 3 people in your home at once, more than 1 set of visitors every two months." Having a list will help you make boundries, and once you have healthy boundries and say "no," saying yes will be more enjoyable.
PS: I will also add - my sister moved to a major European city a few years back. Of course I went to visit her. I stayed in her house (for free), but I would be really resentful if I found out she complained that we only visited her because she was at a major city and we wanted a "free/cheap vacation." Trust me, I would have rather NOT have paid thousands of dollars in airfare to see her and my nieces and nephew, who we love and missed! Would I have loved to visit this city SOMEDAY - sure! But given that my kids were age 5 and 7, they were too young to appreciate some of the best things about it (museums, etc.). I'm not complaining, we had an AWESOME, AMAZING time, my sister was a great host (mostly said "consider this place a hotel - we're all too busy with school to sightsee with you, but come and go as you please!), but I would be sad if she felt "taken advantage of" because I did not see my visit that way at all!
Yea I would go with something like "Sure, your welcome to come to visit (where you live) anytime you want. I'll try to get you a list of hotels close to us since we don't a house for ourselves, let alone visitors, yet. Also, make sure to let us know what dates you chose so DH & I can try to plan some time with you all while your here around our work schedules".
I don't know your relationship with these people, but there are worse things in life than people wanting to visit you. & willing to spend hundreds of dollars on plane tickets to do it. After a stressful move far far away you may welcome a hug from home. Just saying