Family Matters
mjpatzwa
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help dealing with sister in law
I've been having trouble with my sister in law that started before I even married her brother. Her family worships the ground she walks on and she has a very "entitled" personality-- she has been given everything in life-- including the clothes she still wears and her family vacations. Well, it started when we first got engaged. My husband and I each decided we wanted to include our siblings in the wedding party. It was a lot easier for him because he and my brother are actually friends. Well, not so much for me. His sister makes no effort. Well, we asked her together and she made a comment about possibly being pregnant during the wedding. The wedding was 7 months away at that point, and I made it clear that I don't mind having a pregnant bridesmaid, but having one with a newborn wouldn't work. She insisted she wasn't pregnant at the time during "the ask" and that she would be able to participate and contribute to the prewedding events. WELL, she was totally pregnant (liar!).
At the wedding her boobs were popping out of her dress, she didn't show up to any of the prewedding events, and she made the entire day about her and the new baby (who was three months old by that time). She even insisted on bringing the child to her hair appointment saying she couldn't even be away an hour....um yes you can-- she has an able bodied father. They also insisted on staying at our house and we never even got a thank you-- it was our wedding!! As you can imagine, I'm livid and clearly hold grudges despite my best efforts. This is the perfect example of her behavior, though.
Anyways, I've been trying my best to really be a part of her children's lives, but she makes absolutely no effort to make that possible. We have NEVER been allowed to hold the baby-- even after we made a special trip up (drove 8 hours in one day) to see her. I sent her an email the other day to ask about the kids birthday parties because they are two weeks apart and they sandwich the fourth of july. She replied that we weren't invited to the 5 year old's party and that the baby's party will take place after her birthday ON MY BIRTHDAY. We are certainly not cancelling our plans for my birthday to drive up four hours and back four hours for a one year old. I'm so upset. I'm at a loss. I'm trying my best to be a good aunt, but she is making it impossible-- and I honestly cannot stand to be around her-- but I do it for the kids. UGH.
Am I insane? Is there a better way to approach this? I just really dislike her and despite my best efforts, it's not getting any better. UGH.
At the wedding her boobs were popping out of her dress, she didn't show up to any of the prewedding events, and she made the entire day about her and the new baby (who was three months old by that time). She even insisted on bringing the child to her hair appointment saying she couldn't even be away an hour....um yes you can-- she has an able bodied father. They also insisted on staying at our house and we never even got a thank you-- it was our wedding!! As you can imagine, I'm livid and clearly hold grudges despite my best efforts. This is the perfect example of her behavior, though.
Anyways, I've been trying my best to really be a part of her children's lives, but she makes absolutely no effort to make that possible. We have NEVER been allowed to hold the baby-- even after we made a special trip up (drove 8 hours in one day) to see her. I sent her an email the other day to ask about the kids birthday parties because they are two weeks apart and they sandwich the fourth of july. She replied that we weren't invited to the 5 year old's party and that the baby's party will take place after her birthday ON MY BIRTHDAY. We are certainly not cancelling our plans for my birthday to drive up four hours and back four hours for a one year old. I'm so upset. I'm at a loss. I'm trying my best to be a good aunt, but she is making it impossible-- and I honestly cannot stand to be around her-- but I do it for the kids. UGH.
Am I insane? Is there a better way to approach this? I just really dislike her and despite my best efforts, it's not getting any better. UGH.
Re: Help dealing with sister in law
Oh boy.
The wedding. You were wrong on many fronts on that. A 3 month old is not a "newborn", for one. And even if she had a newborn- SO WHAT? She doesn't have to plan her life around your wedding.
Prewedding events - believe it or not, your BP actually isn't "required" to attend every and all events. Yes, as a BM I make that a priority. But hell - she had a very young child. She gets a lot of slack on this.
She "insisted" they stay at your house? Did she hold a gun to your head? If not, you actually COULD HAVE said no.
Which really makes me wonder where your DH stands on all of this. You don't mention him at all. Is he just sitting back and letting her do whatever she wants?
And what does it mean that she made the entire day about her and her baby? I HIGHLY doubt everyone was surrounding her and paying all their attention to her. SHe may have been focused on her baby, and I'm sure people wanted to see the baby, etc. But really.... at any wedding, there are usually a LOT of different things going on. No one is paying 100% attention to the bride 100% of the time.
All that being said - you know how she is. You aren't going to be close to her. Accept that. You seem to expect "normal" from her. Obviously you aren't going to get it. Adjust your expectations and adjust your responses to her based on those expectations.
While I'm actually trying to take what you're saying at face value about her, I really, really , really wonder what your contribution is to all of this. So what that you weren't invited to the 5 year olds party? It may have been a smaller, friends only party. People do stop throwing big "invite every family member" parties. And the 1 year old is on your b-day? Again, so what. Don't go. You have plans. No biggie.
There seem to be a lot of expectations on your part that she's supposed to plan her life around YOUR life. You're just one person. And one person she doesn't seem to be close to. She has other people/ other priorities in her life. Why you feel you should play such a big role... not getting it.
And again, where is your DH on all of this?
Bottom line- adjust your expectations. DOn't be a martyr ("I do it for the kids!!!"). Live your life for you and DH and if she falls into that, great. If she doesn't, so be it.
I don't think there is anything you can do.
It would have been easier to let her be an usherette or a female groomsman --- all she needed to do was wear a black dress and show up on the day of, and sit on the groom's side with the ushers/groomsman....but the horse is way out of the barn. (economically more feasible for her and all she would have to do is show up on the day of and "follow the lead of the groomsmen.")
And what do you mean "one with a newborn wouldn't work"? Work schmerk ---- someone can watch the little one while she partakes in being in the wedding.
Or she could have demurred and decided not to be in the wedding, being she just had a kiddo and it's not economically feasible, being they are a growing family.
So, where has the OP gone? Why won't she come back and play?
Seriously you guys. Babies solve EVERYTHING!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This thread delivering the funny today lol
On the 2nd point... dude, just stop. It's not your role as his wife to coddle and fix HIS relationships w/ HIS family. It really isn't. If he's frustrated, then he can work on it. And quite honestly- SHE might actually resent you trying to place yourself between her and your DH.
Your DH is a grown man - he can either work on his relationship OR you can both start accepting that she is who she is. Not every set of siblings out there are close. Stop trying to force an issue where clearly she isn't going to meet you 1/2 way.
You won't make it any worse if you just step back and stop trying to be involved.
And I can't ditto this enough. I learned this lesson the hard way. My ILs bug me to no end. They also bug DH. Luckily we're on the same page.
But about 8 years ago, I went too far. My mom died and I was complaining to DH about how his parents didn't acknowledge it - at all. Now, to a degree, that still does suck. BUT I had gone down such a path with them and my bitching with them, he just looked at me and said something to the effect of "so? You don't seem to like them so why do you care if then sent a card or not?".
it was a slap in the face, but a much needed slap. For as frustrated as my DH gets w/ them too- I had simply gone too far.
So- I backed off. I can still vent to him - but I'm much more careful about it and I always try to find the good in what they do too. I try to find a balance. Because in the end, they ARE his parents and they are actually good people and he loves them.
But at that point, 8 years ago, he had stopped hearing me because I just never saw the good and I pushed too far.
If you keep insisting on trying to force a relationship with her, you are only going to put yourself in the position of being disappointed and the tally of what she does wrong will only continue to grow. So STOP. Back off. You can't force her to be your friend, you can't force her and your DH to be close. Yo uhave to let them navigate their own relationship and YOU have to start working with who she is - not with who you wish she was.
Because at some point, something TRULY important will happen and your DH may not care. Because he's tired of hearing how his family can't do anything right. As much as he might agree, he may very well get tired of hearing it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10