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Family Bloodlines
I have been having issues with my H, we are separated pending divorce, and have been in counseling. A lot of our issues have stemmed from his family's (primarily mother and sister) over involvement in our relationship and H's refusal to put our nuclear family first (we have a 5 1/2 month old and things snowballed almost immediately after the birth)and set some much needed boundaries. Basically, his family is extremely un-accepting of outsiders and his sister made it clear when I was about 8 months pregnant with my son that regardless of me being the mother of her nephew and married to her brother that I am not "family." This appears to have been an issue in his relationships in the past 9I am only now finding out more about this) and only seems to be an issue with women (wives/girlfriends of cousins, me, my H's past relationships, their ILs) because when men marry into the family they seem to be accepted with open arms.
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**Some background** H is the only son with 2 sisters, his mother has 4 sisters and there are a number of male and female cousins. MIL had zero relationship with her SILs and MIL, and MIL's sisters and daughters appear to have the same sort of relationships with their ILs.
We have been in counseling, and the subject of bloodlines has been brought up and it got me thinking about my own family. I consider my siblings' spouses to be my brother and sister, they treat me the same way. I have a step-father who I call Dad, his parents were grandparents to us, his siblings are my aunts and uncles, and their children are my cousins, although we share no direct genetic ties we consider ourselves all to be family.
So I guess my question is, do other families have the same strong, almost dysfunctional, preferences for only blood relatives that they drive off anyone who they consider to be an outsider? Or are more families out there more like mine where we accept others with open arms? Or somewhere in between?
Re: Family Bloodlines
MY family- we welcome new people. Heck- my stepmother has talked about how when I first got PG, she had a moment of "will I feel connected to my grandson" since there is no "bloodline".
OMG. That flew out the window. They have such a strong, close relationship - she adores him and has from the moment he was born. "Blood" has absolutely nothing to do with it.
I'm sorry for your situation, and I'm sorry that even w/ counseling, clearly your STBXH doesn't "get it". He's basically signing himself up to never be in a good, solid, happy relationship. If they chased you off and you all have a CHILD together - he's a lost cause.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you...this is just not something I have ever experienced before, so I was curious if it is common. It really only came to a head after the baby was born. My SIL had always been a little rude, dismissive and passive aggressive toward me but never outright mean and hateful. I always knew she didn't like me for whatever reason, and she does speak nastily about the cousins' wives so I assumed it was happening about me too...this is a whole new monster though.
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At the end of the day, I do still love my H (even though he's been a complete jerk for the past few months) and it makes me really sad for him that his family will never let him be happy because they will never support him in a healthy relationship. (He had been married once before and I found out recently that she had similar issues. But she had grown up with the family and was still pretty much alienated by the sisters and mother after their engagement)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That is what can make this issue all the more different.
You may not be his sis' family but where this is at:
YOU are your H's FAMILY.
And your H is YOUR family.
When you get married, you and he become one new unit and hence one new family. YOU come first with him.; HE comes first with you.
If you're having trouble accepting this concept, get more counseling.
Your larger problem is that your H did not put you and your kiddo first. He's either woefully informed or some kind of wuss that is still tied to his sisters' apron strings and his mother's, also.
Where this is at now: no sense even trying to save this marriage; there is nothing here for you. What matters now is that your H puts his son first, not his sister's.
As far as the other stuff, I deal with some issues with the IL's because of cultural differences and it took a while for them to accept me, but once they saw how serious we were and then once we got married, they have always treated me like one of their own. Sure, we have our differences and they drive me crazy sometimes but they would never treat me the way your IL's have treated you. And even more importantly - my H would never allow them to treat me poorly.
I'm so sorry you are going through this...this is not how a marriage should be
He is Italian, but grew up in the US. We have been in counseling and all of this has been brought up in counseling. I feel like I did put him first, but did not get the same in return. When I married him I put everything into the relationship and when our son was born our little family became my priority. Things kind of blew up after the baby was born and I tried to set some boundaries with his family.
We don't live in the same state as H's family, so I hadn't spent very much time with them before we got married and the baby was born (we got pregnant very soon after the wedding). Prior to the birth MIL came to visit maybe twice a year and stayed for about a week each time. SIL moved to our town in CA shortly before the baby was born so, I hadn't spent a lot of time with her either.
To clarify, I knew he had been married before, but did not know that his family had played any part in their marriage ending. It was only after I spoke with the wife of a friend of H's (who was really close to his ex-wife) that I heard about the role his family played in their divorce. H had told me that his first marriage fell apart for various reasons, inclduing finances and just falling out of love with eachother. I didn't really question it because I do have friends who have divorced for various reasons, so the fact that he was divorced didn't raise any major red flags for me.
So before the baby arrived, was his family intrusive or disrespectful like this towards you? I can't imagine it suddenly starting once the baby arrived. You must have seen some hint of this behavior from them, even if it was on a smaller scale. At that point, your H should have stepped up and told them to cut the crap. It's a shame that you even have to deal with this at all and that your marriage suffers. I want to blame his family for this, but the ultimate issue is your H because if he was half a man, there's nothing they could do that could interfere as he would be telling them to step off.
My DH's family is very much a "blood is thicker than water" family. Fortunately, we live OOS and don't have to deal often. But I just try to be polite. Sadly, my DS is treated much differently than the other grandchildren but we've been able to shield him from that. BTW, they're Italian, too.
My parents and I consider some friends "family" and include them in holiday celebrations, etc.
there were some warning signs, like I said, his sister in particular was always a little rude and passive aggressive toward me but because she lived onteh other side of the country I had very little reason to have much interaction with her until she moved to our town. Once she did, she really tried to dominate our nights and weekends and it only got worse once the baby was born.
I do agree with you R.Wilsonny, although my H's family has played a part in the problems, I absolutely agree that in the end it is an issue between the two of us.