meddling MIL and distant SIL and the holiday

missmodeste · April 2014

I'll try to make this as short as possible but there is a lot of backstory - and I may go down in flames but here goes:

My BIL and SIL got married last year. They got engaged last Christmas and we got to meet SIL when we were all in town visiting MIL. We hung out and everything seemed nice and normal. Two weeks later my DH and I get an email from MIL acting as their save the date. It was a mass email because they were getting married in SIL's hometown (a destination for most of us) in 8 weeks and her mother needed a quick head count to plan everything in time. A little gauche, but whatever I was excited because we got along with BIL very well despite living across the country form one another.

I called MIL that evening to figure out travel plans and wedding events with them when she told me that our children were not invited. I know the bump has a history of no kids ever at weddings but there were many reasons that made it attending without them hard - and I was butthurt because it was my BILs niece and nephew. My kids were 2.5 and 7 months at the time, one still breastfeeding with severe separation anxiety (to include screaming when mine and DH's parents would keep her for a short time). We didn't want to leave them behind overnight or the weekend with a sitter for those reasons and leaving them with a hotel sitter would mean my 7 month old screaming the entire time with a stranger.

I agree the bride gets to do what she wants. My DH called his brother to confirm what MIL told us. He asked my DH to be the best man and DH obviously accepted. SIL refused to speak to us on the phone about the subject so I decided to stay behind and was angry she wouldn't talk to us. MIL kept pressuring me to "support" SIL and leave them with a baby sitter - BIL told us to leave them in our hometown. MIL knew about the severe separation anxiety and I was bummed that she didn't explain that to BIL and even more bummed that knowing I'd be staying behind they were all cool with that. DH booked a plane ticket and my feelings were hurt only to receive an invitation that surprisingly included my children a week before the wedding. I didn't buy two plane tickets a week out to attend but wished them well.

After the wedding I told BIL I was sad that he didn't want me there enough to work with our circumstances - have his niece and nephew around - his brother's family to an out of town wedding. It came out that MIL told them to not invite the kids because she thinks no kid weddings are better (it was in the morning at a garden). She didn't want the distraction and told BIL and SIL that I had a sitter and I'd be leaving them behind. MIL confessed to telling them to not invite the kids. DH stood as the best man where there was a child flower girl in her wedding party - the only child to attend but our kids are the only direct relatives of the bridal party and the groom. That made me pretty sad that her relative was honored to be in the wedding party (not a niece as she's an only) while my kids were told they could not come.

I was mad at MIL for suggesting it because we had a very close relationship and never once told us she didn't want the kids around for the wedding - and by default me. She played it like SIL and BIL chose this first and she was trying to get them to understand. She also told me it was a gift because she knows how hard it is with little kids and knew we'd enjoy ourselves more - but just didn't tell us that BEFORE telling BIL and SIL to not have them. It's just grown into this huge thing where we don't speak to BIL/SIL and they don't speak to us. MIL meddles and makes things worse by playing sides and obscuring information to either side. I was mad at MIL for a long time but we worked things out and were finally great with each other.

A few months ago I extended an olive branch to SIL asking her if she wanted to start anew. I told her why I was upset over everything but wanted to move forward if she did. She emailed me a paragraph response about how she would have to apologize to me a thousand times for refusing to talk to me and not having my kids at her wedding. Her reason was that she was really stressed at school, was too busy to answer phone calls and went with MILs recommendation of not inviting them because it was easy. I told her we needed to talk over the phone and to stop talking to MIL about us because she was making things worse for us - that it'd be better to hear directly from one another to clear the air.

Well, she never contacted me so I took that as her not wanting to build a relationship. That was three months ago and it's been radio silence ever since. I'm OK with our separate lives but MIL wants us to be BFFs.

MIL secretly set up an intervention for all of us this Easter weekend. BIL randomly text me after months of silence and we found out we were both visiting at the same time. BIL and SIL planned this trip without asking us if we'd be in town (very likely because both of our parents live in the same town) considering how things were left between us. I don't appreciate this "gift" as MIL called it again because now I get to spend the holiday forcing a reconciliation that wasn't prompted that SIl or myself. I got mad at MIL telling her she is doing it all over again by not keeping open communication and doing things that she sees best. She's mad at me that I don't graciously accept this gift and thinks it's my responsibility to fix the relationship with SIL so we can all be a happy family. And, MIL and SIL are still speaking about our non-relationship. MIL confronted me about how I'm the one avoiding her many calls - which is not true at all.

Is it all my fault as MIL tells me for not going to the wedding and starting our relationship off right? How do I fix it this and avoid my MILs meddling nature in the future?

BlueBirdMB · April 2014

They had the right to not invite your children. You also had the right to not attend. Both were choices and neither was rude. However, I would have been very upset that they invited one child and not your children. It's just a slap. And I'd be more upset that my MIL didn't want her grandchildren there, but wanted other children there. Wow.

You do not have to have a relationship with them if you don't want to. I wouldn't let this thing let you not have a relationship with them, but you can do as you please. Go this weekend and avoid any talks about your issues. Put on a grand smile and pretend that all is just peachy keen. Keep it light and simple and be overly complimentary and kind. Then go about your way. Don't make plans with MIL until you are certain what those plans entail in the future.

princess_cal · April 2014

You need to get over this. I didn't have any kids (except for my niece and nepher who were in the wedding) at my wedding and everyone dealt with it fine, and were actuall happy to have a night out.

These people are you family now and your MIL is trying to get everyone to mend fences. It's Easter, have a little forgiveness and move on.

R.Wilsonny · April 2014

^ I agree but it seems like OP is more upset about the circumstances surrounding the non-invite of her kids to the wedding. It seems like MIL likes to overstep her boundaries. I do agree that OP needs to let this one go though. OP, you need to pick and choose your battles here. You clearly see what kind of person your MIL is, so going forward, just be polite because that is all that is expected of you, and then save your battles for when a real *bigger* issue comes up.

Sillygirl45 · April 2014

You really need to let this go. It doesn't matter why kids weren't invited. They weren't.

You shouldn't have said anything to your BIL. Their wedding was about them, not about you, your kids, and what you would have had to go through to attend. Honestly, that's not their problem and it was very rude to give him crap about it. I'm not surprised they aren't talking to you.

I think you need to apologize to both of them for making this a big deal and leave it at that. Plenty of people leave seven month olds with sitters. You chose not to. That is fine. But, it's not their problem. I do understand why, but still not something you had a right to be angry with them over.

It's also not unusual for someone to have a flower girl/ring bearer at a "no kid" wedding. It's absolutely none of your business how this child is or isn't related to them. Their wedding, their choices.

Your kids were told they couldn't come? The kids are 7 months and two and a half. Give me a break. No one told them anything and they couldn't care less. You're upset, not them.

You don't have to be friends with your SIL and BIL, you need to be polite. If you want to to let them not having kids at their wedding color you relationship, I guess that's up to you.

EastCoastBride · April 2014

MIL sounds toxic, TBH. I'd distance myself from her. GREATLY. And where is your DH in all of this? What is his take on it and his mom?

That being said - whatever the reasons behind your kids not being invited, they weren't invited. You say that you "agree" that the bride (AND groom) can make that decision, but clearly you don't agree. You keep telling everyone why you're upset about your kids not being included. The fact that you keep bringing that up - you dont' agree. And you're letting them know that over and over and over.

This issue? You need to let it go. Quite honestly, I dont' blame your SIL for not contacting you. She doesn't need to be told yet again how upset you are that your kids weren't invited and basically being made to feel that she was wrong.

BACK OFF on this issue.

Now, to this weekend. If you want to "reconcile" w/ SIL, you need to take it way way back and you need to make it a simple "I'm sorry for my involvement in the stress over your wedding.". PERIOD. Don't get into why you're upset, or MILs involvement, etc. That only opens up so many doors for arguments, etc. And I would say "I would really like to put all this behind us and try to start fresh. I don't know exactly what that means or where this will go, but I'd like to at least be able to talk to you and look forward to seeing you and BIL.".

And if SHE says anything about MIL/ your kids, etc, you just respond with a "I understand that things were stressful and you were being pulled in many directions. Let's just put this behind us.".

As far as your MILs feeling that you all need to be BFFs - to that, I'd tell MIL that she needs to back off and she needs to let you and SIL figure things out. the two of you CAN NOT be forced to be BFFs just because you married brothers. If there is any hope that you all will ever be close, it has to be because it happens naturally. (but again, where is your DH on this? Because on this issue, some of thsi needs to include HIM backing you up and telling his mom to back (the fuck) off).

And again - distance yourself from your MIL. She tries to insert herself? To her, you say "Thanks for your concern but I'll handle it myself". If she's putting herself in between you and someone else (SIL or whoever), say the above and then contact that person directly. Don't LET MIL be the middle man anymore. You can't trust her. Move forward knowing this. Always go to the source.

Kimbus22 · April 2014

The people in the wrong here are your MIL (for creating this mess) and you (for not just keeping your mouth shut). Your SIL doesn't have anything to apologize for and shouldn't be the one making the first move toward reconciliation. You should be. And it should be separate from your MIL.

I'm really confused as to why you're not on speaking terms with your BIl/SIL (who didn't do anything wrong) but you ARE making plans with your MIL (who has zero boundaries and manipulates you all.)

Ilumine · April 2014

missmodeste said:

I'll try to make this as short as possible but there is a lot of backstory - and I may go down in flames but here goes:

My BIL and SIL got married last year. They got engaged last Christmas and we got to meet SIL when we were all in town visiting MIL. We hung out and everything seemed nice and normal. Two weeks later my DH and I get an email from MIL acting as their save the date. It was a mass email because they were getting married in SIL's hometown (a destination for most of us)

This is not unusual. In fact, this is the norm in this day and age. While not rare, the odds that two grown adults and their entire families meeting and marrying in their home town is pretty much 50/50.

in 8 weeks and her mother needed a quick head count to plan everything in time. A little gauche,

What was the unsophisticated part of this, at least on the part of the bride and groom? The standard for wedding invitations are 4-6 weeks out. Heck, even having one person (i.e. your MIL) getting a quick heads up to see who would be able to go to help out the hosts is not unusual.

So either you went into this wedding with a chip or your experience is clouding your past perspective.

but whatever I was excited because we got along with BIL very well despite living across the country form one another.

Obviously you were not "whatever" because you brought it up in a negative light.

I called MIL that evening to figure out travel plans and wedding events with them when she told me that our children were not invited.

Why would you contact your MIL about these things? Outside of the fact that you are grown adults who can make your own travel plans, SHE ISNT THE ONE ORGANIZING THE WEDDING. If you had any questions, you should have contacted the people who, you know are actually doing the wedding planning, the bride and groom.

I know the bump has a history of no kids ever at weddings but there were many reasons that made it attending without them hard - and I was butthurt because it was my BILs niece and nephew.

SO?

My kids were 2.5 and 7 months at the time, one still breastfeeding with severe separation anxiety (to include screaming when mine and DH's parents would keep her for a short time). We didn't want to leave them behind overnight or the weekend with a sitter for those reasons and leaving them with a hotel sitter would mean my 7 month old screaming the entire time with a stranger.

You have a legitimate concerns here.

I agree the bride gets to do what she wants. My DH called his brother to confirm what MIL told us. He asked my DH to be the best man and DH obviously accepted. SIL refused to speak to us on the phone about the subject so I decided to stay behind and was angry she wouldn't talk to us.

You and your DH were SO OUT OF LINE for badgering this woman, its no wonder she wants absolutely nothing to do with the lot of you. Even IF MIL interfered, the minute you and your both kept at it, even AFTER TALKING TO YOUR BIL, you became the rude, demanding, selfish, 'zilla.

You had not right to push it.

MIL kept pressuring me to "support" SIL and leave them with a baby sitter - BIL told us to leave them in our hometown. MIL knew about the severe separation anxiety and I was bummed that she didn't explain that to BIL

It is not your MIL's place to explain your children's special needs. Nor does your BIL have to work his entire wedding around your children's special needs.

BTW - if your children are supposed to be so all given important to your BIL (you know his only biological underage family) why didn't he know about their special needs before all of this?

and even more bummed that knowing I'd be staying behind they were all cool with that.

Of could that be the reason why your children were NOT invited? Given the fact that your DH was going to be the Best Man and your baby has issues not being with you, how were YOU going to handle the 2.5 yo and the baby during the ceremony and the reception? Its not like you were expecting another guest do your parenting duty right?

DH booked a plane ticket and my feelings were hurt only to receive an invitation that surprisingly included my children a week before the wedding. I didn't buy two plane tickets a week out to attend but wished them well.

After the wedding I told BIL I was sad that he didn't want me there enough to work with our circumstances - have his niece and nephew around - his brother's family to an out of town wedding.

Seriously, the entitlement and self-centeredness! This was THERE wedding, not yours. The fact that you went after them AGAIN, just amazes me.

It doesn't matter if this was your MIL's fault. Why couldn't YOU accept that in this situation, you know the wedding of two other people, your kids were not the main focus of the planning.

It came out that MIL told them to not invite the kids because she thinks no kid weddings are better (it was in the morning at a garden). She didn't want the distraction and told BIL and SIL that I had a sitter and I'd be leaving them behind. MIL confessed to telling them to not invite the kids. DH stood as the best man where there was a child flower girl in her wedding party - the only child to attend but our kids are the only direct relatives of the bridal party and the groom.

So the feck what (yes I swore). Blood does not mean your children get to be everywhere at any time. It does not mean that they are better than every other children in the world. And given the fact that the flower girl is usually picked by the bride, who by your own admission had only met your kids (both who are too young) once, why would they be included in the ceremony?

That made me pretty sad that her relative was honored to be in the wedding party (not a niece as she's an only) while my kids were told they could not come.

I was mad at MIL for suggesting it because we had a very close relationship and never once told us she didn't want the kids around for the wedding - and by default me.

So THIS is actually what you have problems with. Not that your kids were not invited, per se (other than the fact that someone else's kids got the lime light), but that they did not work around their needs/wants to include you.

She played it like SIL and BIL chose this first and she was trying to get them to understand. She also told me it was a gift because she knows how hard it is with little kids and knew we'd enjoy ourselves more - but just didn't tell us that BEFORE telling BIL and SIL to not have them. It's just grown into this huge thing where we don't speak to BIL/SIL and they don't speak to us.

I would't want to speak to you either. Granted, your MIL created this mess, but your BIL and SIL did not do a single thing wrong, but you sure did.

MIL meddles and makes things worse by playing sides and obscuring information to either side. I was mad at MIL for a long time but we worked things out and were finally great with each other.

Your BIL and SIL did nothing wrong, but MIL and YOU did.

A few months ago I extended an olive branch to SIL asking her if she wanted to start anew. I told her why I was upset over everything but wanted to move forward if she did.

I cannot believe you attacked her again.

She emailed me a paragraph response about how she would have to apologize to me a thousand times for refusing to talk to me and not having my kids at her wedding. Her reason was that she was really stressed at school, was too busy to answer phone calls and went with MILs recommendation of not inviting them because it was easy. I told her we needed to talk over the phone and to stop talking to MIL about us because she was making things worse for us - that it'd be better to hear directly from one another to clear the air.

Well, she never contacted me so I took that as her not wanting to build a relationship.

No wonder she doesn't want to talk to you. She knew why you were upset before the damn thing happened. She knew why you were upset after the damn thing happened. And you had to email her with your grievances again. Why would she want to listen to you air out your problems YET AGAIN before you started fresh.

Why couldn't you just take her email response as a "go" and start fresh? Because you needed to let her know ONE MORE TIME how upset you were. Feck no.

That was three months ago and it's been radio silence ever since. I'm OK with our separate lives but MIL wants us to be BFFs.

MIL secretly set up an intervention for all of us this Easter weekend. BIL randomly text me after months of silence and we found out we were both visiting at the same time. BIL and SIL planned this trip without asking us if we'd be in town (very likely because both of our parents live in the same town) considering how things were left between us.

So they are supposed to run their vacation plans by people who are not talking to them over something they didn't do wrong? Again, its these little things you post that point to your very self-centered view

I don't appreciate this "gift" as MIL called it again because now I get to spend the holiday forcing a reconciliation that wasn't prompted that SIl or myself. I got mad at MIL telling her she is doing it all over again by not keeping open communication and doing things that she sees best. She's mad at me that I don't graciously accept this gift and thinks it's my responsibility to fix the relationship with SIL so we can all be a happy family. And, MIL and SIL are still speaking about our non-relationship. MIL confronted me about how I'm the one avoiding her many calls - which is not true at all.

Is it all my fault as MIL tells me for not going to the wedding and starting our relationship off right? How do I fix it this and avoid my MILs meddling nature in the future?

I know that I sound harsh. And honestly, I meant it to be that way. Because you have two choices here. Recognize that your bad relationship with your SIL is as much your fault as your MILs, but in no way your SIL's fault OR not and continue to have your MIL meddle.

Because by not getting over yourself, your MIL won. She created a situation where her DILs are not talking and now she gets to continue to meddle to try to bring you two back together. You want her out of your meddling life, take away the things she can meddle over.

And yes, I am being harsh because, while the odds are that you are going to get defensive over your actions vs having that "A-Ha" moment, it seems that other people have tried the tactful route and you haven't "gotten it" yet. Heck you even acknowledge that the bridal couple get to have kids free weddings...but not anyone in YOUR life. Do you see how wrong that is?

Yes, you can be hurt by it. That is totally understandable. But you cannot BADGER people over decisions that they are totally in the free and clear to make. That makes YOU the bad guy.

I would suggest that YOU apologize to your SIL for your badgering and badgering and maybe things will be able to work out .

VOR · April 2014

Hmmm... where is the OP?? Love the post and runs.

ms12345 · April 2014

@Ilumine, I get what you're saying for the most part. I think the OP really blew things up. However, I keep getting hung up on this:

"It came out that MIL told them to not invite the kids because she thinks no kid weddings are better (it was in the morning at a garden). She didn't want the distraction and told BIL and SIL that I had a sitter and I'd be leaving them behind. MIL confessed to telling them to not invite the kids."

Why couldn't the BIL or SIL say this when it first came up, if this was the truth? Seems that little bit of information from THEM would have saved a whole lot of aggravation and hand-wringing... and a WHOLE LOT of triangulating! I think they're ALL at fault (OP, DH, BIL, SIL) for triangulating and going through the MIL.

EastCoastBride · April 2014

ms12345 said:

@Ilumine, I get what you're saying for the most part. I think the OP really blew things up. However, I keep getting hung up on this:

"It came out that MIL told them to not invite the kids because she thinks no kid weddings are better (it was in the morning at a garden). She didn't want the distraction and told BIL and SIL that I had a sitter and I'd be leaving them behind. MIL confessed to telling them to not invite the kids."

Why couldn't the BIL or SIL say this when it first came up, if this was the truth? Seems that little bit of information from THEM would have saved a whole lot of aggravation and hand-wringing... and a WHOLE LOT of triangulating! I think they're ALL at fault (OP, DH, BIL, SIL) for triangulating and going through the MIL.

But if MIL is that manipulative.... I just can't put this on BIL/SIL. Especially if SIL is sitting back and letting BIl handle this- because it's his mom and his family. And he's blind to it....

Maybride2 · April 2014

WHO CARES who told them not to invite kids to the wedding? Seriously? They're very aware, thanks to your numerous hissy fits, that you weren't happy about it. The wedding is over now, there's no point in continuing to whine over them not rearranging their wedding to accommodate you. There's not. So either grow up and truly try to move on - NO MORE MENTION of your poor babies not being invited to a wedding that they were too young to care about anyway - or continue acting like a petulant 5 year old with a grudge and expect that your SIL won't want a relationship with you.

Ilumine · April 2014

ms12345 said:

@Ilumine, I get what you're saying for the most part. I think the OP really blew things up. However, I keep getting hung up on this:

"It came out that MIL told them to not invite the kids because she thinks no kid weddings are better (it was in the morning at a garden). She didn't want the distraction and told BIL and SIL that I had a sitter and I'd be leaving them behind. MIL confessed to telling them to not invite the kids."

Why couldn't the BIL or SIL say this when it first came up, if this was the truth? Seems that little bit of information from THEM would have saved a whole lot of aggravation and hand-wringing... and a WHOLE LOT of triangulating! I think they're ALL at fault (OP, DH, BIL, SIL) for triangulating and going through the MIL.

Because before the BIL was even able to call and ask his brother to be his best man, they called him to bitch and when they did not get the answer they wanted to hear from BIL they tried to circumvent HIM and went on to badger SIL.

"My DH called his brother to confirm what MIL told us. He asked my DH to be the best man and DH obviously accepted. SIL refused to speak to us on the phone about the subject "

Seriously? Would you give into them at this point?

catmiss9 · April 2014

My niece and nephew ages 1 and 3 years at the time were not invited to our wedding. My brother and SIL were in our wedding (groomsman and MOH) and did not want them there. They thought their children would be happier at home with a sitter, their activities and routine. O/P did you have children at your wedding?
SMH...weddings always seem to bring out the worst in some people.

meddling MIL and distant SIL and the holiday

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