3T Batsignal - Help me craft a gracious response! (somewhat LR and BR)

poppies717 · April 2014

We have to go to ILs this afternoon where my *awesome* BIL and SIL will be showing off the new baby with little regard to our situation.

Known Facts to BIL and SIL: Poppies & Mr. Poppies TTC for 2+ years. Poppies & Mr. Poppies went through IVF twice. Poppies & Mr. Poppies have decided to build their family through adoption.

Possible Known Facts to BIL and SIL: Poppies got pregnant and miscarried after IVF#2. (We have no clue if they know. DH didn't tell them, but if my MIL gossips to them about us like she does to us about them, they probably know.)

Other Factors: BIL told DH that we have to "deal with it" when it comes to being around new baby. SIL is like Regina George ("OMG, I LOVE YOUR BRACELET!" only more sickly sweet and hyperactive). Poppies & Mr. Poppies are *done* with the "BIL and SIL Show" and really don't like them that much. This is a fairly well-known fact to Mr. Poppies' family.

If (okay, when) something is said that is really insensitive, I want to stay classy and gracious and not let my inner bitter come out. Is this okay to say without sound like too much of a bitch?

"I hope you never known the pain of miscarriage. I especially hope you never know the pain of miscarriage after trying for years and undergoing multiple fertility treatments." And just leave it at that? Maybe get up and walk away? Gah. It's going to be really hard not to throat punch someone or ask for @islandmonkey8 to mail poop.

On a positive note, thank goodness for my MIL. She told us to come at a certain time so we would only have to endure a few hours of the baby, and she told me she was going to have a bottle of wine just for me. I think she finally gets it.

LooneyLife · April 2014

I'm sorry your faced with an uncomfortable situation. I don't really have any advice other than to do what you feel is best for your own mental/emotional health.

From what you've written it doesn't sound like you feel like there's much you can do to make them understand or that they'll get it. So I wouldn't waste my energy on them. Do what is best for you and your husband.

islandmonkey8 · April 2014

First option: you have dogs. Bring poop in a bag just in case, say you got it in the mail but it was addressed to them.

Second option: do number one and throat punch them.

Third option: Say what you have posted above and be polite. Because family can be awkward.

I wish they could be understanding and supportive instead of asshats. I'm happy that your MIL is being supportive so you have someone there who is supportive.

FutureMrsWright2012 · April 2014

I'm sorry that you're even having to deal with this from family, but I'm glad to hear that MIL is finally understanding. I think if you are comfortable with your response, then absolutely go for it. I am so proud of how strong you are and am hoping for the same strength as me and DH head to my nephew's 1st birthday party today. Sending lots of love and patience your way!

nfp147 · April 2014

I agree with @LooneyLife It may not be worth it for you to waste your energy trying to make them understand. But, if it'll make you feel better, let 'er rip.

I'm glad your MIL is being supportive though.

Good luck. I hope the day goes much better than you anticipate.

Aimothy · April 2014

Honestly, I would likely glare at them as I walked out of the room. THEN, if my husband knew what was best for his life, he would say something to his brother/sister.

I'm glad your MIL is starting to get it. And that she's got a bottle of wine ready for you.

abt8113 · April 2014

Do you think that YH would say something? I usually defer to DH when it is something involving his fam. If it makes you feel better, I would say what you have written. I'm also okay with you throat punching someone too.

ILoveRedVino · April 2014

I'm not the type to have a snarky response ready, even though I sometimes want to. I'd just walk out of the room without saying a word. I feel like the less said, the better sometimes.

I do think that snark coming from your H would be ok.

BruinsBabe33 · April 2014

Have your H say what you wrote after you leave the room and have him stare them down.

OohSparkly13 · April 2014

BruinsBabe33 said:

Have your H say what you wrote after you leave the room and have him stare them down.

^THIS. If it is his family, I really think it should come from him.

I also still vote for sending poop...but only if you can include a note that says "I don't know what you expect us to do. You're a piece of shit. You need to deal with it."

aggiebug · April 2014

Thinking of you yesterday. How did it go? I hope better than expected.

poppies717 · April 2014

It was okay. I lasted about 40 minutes of being around baby before I needed a minute to cry a bit. SIL did say something like "I want you to know we are praying for you" and I said, "Thank you. We don't find comfort in praying ourselves right now after losing our baby, but I appreciate the warm thoughts." She said, "I know it's hard," so I replied, "Unless you've been through miscarriage, please don't say that." I gave a few seconds of silence for her to open up or realize she'd stepped over a line. The look of horror on her face...So yeah, any lurkers out there, NEVER tell a woman you "know" how awful miscarriage is if you haven't been there. I walked away after that.

So they DID know we lost poppyseed and my BIL still told DH a few days ago to "deal with it." DH and I had a long talk about how to deal with his brother and family going forward. I feel like we are getting walked all over, and they are super condescending to us. There's a LOT of history here that's for another day, but I think DH is going to let his brother know that his "Deal with it" comment was inappropriate and that he's only bringing it up after the visit because he didn't want to rock the boat.

Thanks for the support, everyone! My ILs aren't easy to deal with, and I wish it could just be on DH, but it always ends up being the men in one room and the women in another. Unfortunately, I have to defend myself. :-/

LooneyLife · April 2014

It sounds like it went as well as expected. It sounds like they SIL at least tried a bit, even if she didn't completely understand.

It sounds like you handled yourself well and I hope you're not put in such an uncomfortable position again any time soon.

islandmonkey8 · April 2014

I think you handled that situation as best you can. Sometimes there are people who just don't get it and the best you can do is try to be the better person, especially when it comes to family. I am happy that this isn't the responses you are getting from all of your family though. I hope that some how your husband's entire family learns some compassion for you two. You deserve it more than ever right now.

PS. I still will send poop if you'd like me to.

LuckyAngel07 · April 2014

I think you handled things pretty well. You stood your ground, but you weren't snarky. At least SIL tried to have a clue.

And I'm glad YH is going to talk to his brother. What a heartless a-hole to tell you guys to "deal with" being around his new baby when you just lost yours.

brij2006 · April 2014

I'm so sorry you have even had to try and figure out what you want to say at a family gathering, and I'm so sorry they're asshats about the whole situation. However, you handled that beautifully and in the best way that you could. They will never "get" it and they will never fully understand what you and Mr Poppies have been through. The only thing you can do is inform them as to what is or is not appropriate to say.

3T Batsignal - Help me craft a gracious response! (somewhat LR and BR)

Re: 3T Batsignal - Help me craft a gracious response! (somewhat LR and BR)

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