My husband has a secret life

DandelionGreens · April 2014

I found out yesterday that my husband of 4 years has a secret twitter account and email and more than a year ago he was browsing dating websites. I am so devastated and have no one to talk to about this. If I ever forgive him, I could never have my friends or family knowing.

We were trying to make a baby, and we are supposed to close on a house in 30 days, and here he is sending pictures of his you know what to sluts online, and having intimate cyber-sex conversations with them. He showed one girl his real picture and told her his real name. And I found out he has KIK messenger? I don't even know what conversations were had on there. I am so so sad and I don't know if I can forgive him.

I made him sleep at his sisters house last night and hes telling me he wants to start a new life with me and he will delete it all. He was sending dirty tweets out yesterday while I was in the other room! My sex life has not been fulfilling. It's not comfortable to talk about sex, when I say I want to do it, we usually end up doing it within 72 hours. I'm a pretty girl, but I feel like he's more fulfilled with his online life he says is just a fantasy. He says its not real. He's been having the dirty conversations I always try to get him involved in online with someone else. When I talk sexy, he laughs or makes a joke and totally brushes me off.

I am so mortified. I can't stop crying and I have noone to talk to.

Janimal · April 2014

Say good bye to him and hello to a counselor for YOU.

For right now, no more contact with him until YOU figure out what YOU want. No one needs to know why. Nosy friends and family will have to satsify themselves with "we have some problems to figure out" and that's it. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE with him. Insist that he respect your boundaries and that you won't communicate with him until YOU are ready.

You need someone in real life to talk to. Go to a counselor right away. Take care of yourself. His sexual addiction/issues are NOT about YOU. CALL A COUNSELOR NOW!

and...(hug) - you deserve better.

GilliC · April 2014

DandelionGreens said:

I found out yesterday that my husband of 4 years has a secret twitter account and email and more than a year ago he was browsing dating websites. I am so devastated and have no one to talk to about this. If I ever forgive him, I could never have my friends or family knowing.

We were trying to make a baby, and we are supposed to close on a house in 30 days, and here he is sending pictures of his you know what to sluts online, and having intimate cyber-sex conversations with them. He showed one girl his real picture and told her his real name. And I found out he has KIK messenger? I don't even know what conversations were had on there. I am so so sad and I don't know if I can forgive him.

I made him sleep at his sisters house last night and hes telling me he wants to start a new life with me and he will delete it all. He was sending dirty tweets out yesterday while I was in the other room! My sex life has not been fulfilling. It's not comfortable to talk about sex, when I say I want to do it, we usually end up doing it within 72 hours. I'm a pretty girl, but I feel like he's more fulfilled with his online life he says is just a fantasy. He says its not real. He's been having the dirty conversations I always try to get him involved in online with someone else. When I talk sexy, he laughs or makes a joke and totally brushes me off.

I am so mortified. I can't stop crying and I have noone to talk to.

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. Don't believe that he will suddenly change his ways. It sounds like your relationship has a lot of very serious issues, and I wouldn't be optimistic that you'll find a lasting solution to all of them.

Regardless of what you decide to do, find a good therapist that you're comfortable talking to. That way no matter what, you'll have someone to talk to, and someone who can help you sort out your feelings.

TarponMonoxide · April 2014

DandelionGreens said:

I found out yesterday that my husband of 4 years has a secret twitter account and email and more than a year ago he was browsing dating websites. I am so devastated and have no one to talk to about this. If I ever forgive him, I could never have my friends or family knowing.

We were trying to make a baby, and we are supposed to close on a house in 30 days, and here he is sending pictures of his you know what to sluts online, and having intimate cyber-sex conversations with them. He showed one girl his real picture and told her his real name. And I found out he has KIK messenger? I don't even know what conversations were had on there. I am so so sad and I don't know if I can forgive him.

I made him sleep at his sisters house last night and hes telling me he wants to start a new life with me and he will delete it all. He was sending dirty tweets out yesterday while I was in the other room! My sex life has not been fulfilling. It's not comfortable to talk about sex, when I say I want to do it, we usually end up doing it within 72 hours. I'm a pretty girl, but I feel like he's more fulfilled with his online life he says is just a fantasy. He says its not real. He's been having the dirty conversations I always try to get him involved in online with someone else. When I talk sexy, he laughs or makes a joke and totally brushes me off.

I am so mortified. I can't stop crying and I have noone to talk to.

Based on all of this:

Show him the door and file for divorce.

DO NOT do anything else.

DO NOT try to conceive a child with him and DO NOT purchase ANYTHING with him.

See an attorney and get your finances ready; safeguard all of your assets. And when you have all your affairs in order file and do not look back.

What a BUM.

BTW, get tested. He was probably intimate with these pickups he's found. Do not take chances.

BlueBirdMB · April 2014

I'm so sorry. Internet hugs.

You need to leave now. Go wherever you can- parents, friends, etc. To me, it would be easier to separate myself from the environment than to kick him out- that's just me. Then I agree you need to contact a lawyer and a therapist.

Nothing about this is okay. He has serious issues and you two have serious issues that I'm not sure are repairable.

Get out of buying the house. I hope you can get your deposit back- call a real estate lawyer. Obviously, stop TTC.

And I agree, I doubt this has all been fantasy. People don't go this far without it becoming physical. Get tested.

DaringMiss · April 2014

www.survivinginfidelity.com Go there.

I agree with other posters. Get out the house purchase if you can. I don't care if it is the most fabulous house in the world, it will financially bind you to your wandering husband at a time when you need to keep your options open. Even if it costs you $$, it is better than being saddled with a house that you will have to sell in a year if you decide to divorce him. Plus, the purchase is now tainted with the stain of his infidelity. If you reconcile down the line, you can buy a different house that will feel better.

Get an STD screening. Cheaters never tell the whole truth right up front, so he probably has had sex with other women. Go to your OBGYN and be straightforward about why you need to be screened. They have heard it all and won't judge you.

Insist that your husband get a FULL STD screening as well. Everything, including HIV, herpes... the works! Tell him that you want to see the printout of the results from the doctor's office. If he says "Don't you believe me?" tell him flat out "No. You have lied to me and I no longer trust you."

Go talk to a lawyer. Talk to three if you are smart. If they have talked to you, they can't represent your husband. You don't need to file for a divorce, you just need to know what your options are. Health Insurance, asset division, alimony and retirement accounts are HUGE items that you need to know about going forward. Even if you decide to file tomorrow, you can still cancel it later if he shows signs of real remorse.

Only YOU can decide if you want to reconcile with him. Don't feel pressured by him, your family or friends or society to get back together with him. You don't have to do anything, in fact. You can take MONTHS to decide if you want to forgive him. You have the power. You have the right to deserve the BEST for yourself, and that means a loving, honorable spouse, who is honest and transparent.

TarponMonoxide · April 2014

If you are religious or spiritual, see a clergyperson. It helps.

Disneygeek77 · April 2014

Please make an appointment with a Dr and get tested. This is your health and your future and not something you ignore or hope for the best and trust that he is telling you the truth. You simply do not gamble with your health and your future.

If he can lie about this secret life he can certainly lie about being physical with someone else.

Please do not wait. Make an appointment tomorrow.

irk · April 2014

Most everyone has told you not to buy a house, get yourself checked and stop planning children with this man. Lying is the most hurtful thing in a relationship it is very hard to overcome. Find a therapist to help you with this if you feel overwhelmed. Know that you are not alone in this problem many people find out secrets that are hurtful. You have done nothing wrong he has! Get away from him as quick as you can, stay away as long as you need to. Only you will know what to do and when. Take your time to heal but see a lawyer and protect yourself as well.

KatieCutie05 · April 2014

Run and run fast! And you should find yourself very fortunate that you found this before you got pregnant and bought a house... Don't sign anything except divorce papers.

TarponMonoxide · May 2014

And even if his online life is a fantasy, this is pretty sick.

Not to add more wood to the fire --- who knows how long all of this has been going on?

The above poster is right:

Sign nothing except divorce papers.

Wishing you luck. Let us know what happens.